Our Daily Treasures

Next challenge

2012-02-12T06:36:00.000-05:00

My veins seem to be all shot from so many IV pokes. The last time the clinic nurse tried four times and couldn't get anything, so she sent me to the ER. The experienced ER nurse poked another 8 times before she finally resorted to a very painful spot in my wrist. (But I wasn't leaving without an IV, given that our vacation depending on me being able to administer my own meds!)

That IV spot shot itself this morning, which meant I had to pull it out. And so I now face trying to make it through the days without the Zofran. I'm not sure where this might go. I had days that were manageable, and days that were not so good, even on the medication. Now I have to face it all without anything more than Gravol.

19 more weeks to the due date, which hopefully means only about 17 until the baby actually comes (my babies are usually early.) At least the weather should pick up soon enough, which will help the days go faster. Benjamin is discovering the outdoors and loving it. For now I just sit at the kitchen window and watch him romp in the snow, but when spring comes I'll break out my lounge chair and backyard swing and soak up the fresh air and sun.

Vacation

2012-02-11T07:48:00.005-05:00

This past week James and I got away for four nights of vacation. It was lovely.

We jaunted down to Niagara-on-the-Lake, a beautiful little town that is packed with tourists from April to November, and absolutely empty in the winter. The locals kept asking us if we were bored with nothing to do, and we kept replying that with three young boys at home, "nothing" is exactly what we were looking for.

We stayed at the Harbour House, a luxurious yet cozy inn rated among the top places to stay in the province. During the summer, rooms go for almost $400. We scored it for $100 a night.

Because the inn was all but empty, they upgraded us to their best room. Very spacious, which we appreciated since we knew most of our time was going to be spent in the room, just relaxing. A toasty fireplace and jacuzzi tub, with a little Juliet balcony overlooking the harbour and lake.

Every morning they served a European breakfast - cereals, homemade granola, French toast casseroles, ham and cheese stratas, fresh baked bread, home made jams, petit pains au chocolat, scones, rolls, meats, fresh fruit salad...it was such a spread that we were filled enough to skip lunch and go right to dinner. We always sat at that little table right by the french doors, with the sun streaming in and the blue sky blanketing overhead.

We pampered ourselves with two spa treatments on two different days - massages and pedicures. I've never had a pedicure before. I will now be getting more of them. We don't usually indulge in luxuries like these at home, and it felt so "upper class."

Every evening we escaped the inn to the various fine dining restaurants around town. With only four days, we only visited four restaurants of the many, many that are around. But each was lovely and unique in its own way. And because we are early diners (at home, we usually eat around 5pm) the first two night we had the restaurants completely to ourselves!

The Charles Inn:

Zees Grill:

It was a little funny to be hauling in my IV pole, pump and two boxes of medication and supplies, but the hotel staff didn't blink an eye. I wasn't feeling at my best all week, but luckily there wasn't much on the docket. One day we walked the main street and popped into the stores, two different days we visited the spa, and one day we took a drive down Niagara Parkway, a gorgeous stretch of road along the Niagara river with houses that will take your breath away.

We caught up on sleep, watched movies, played games, conversed, and read to our heart's content. We both agree that it was the perfect little getaway for us, and we even preferred this time that there wasn't the stress of airports and taxis and buses getting us to our location. A short, pretty two hour drive and we had arrived in our own little Canadian paradise.

New callings

2012-02-10T08:05:00.002-05:00

Do you believe that your life can shift in major ways at any point in your life?

As I'm heading into my thirties, this is starting to be a concept that is fading further and further away. I am still tied to a generation (my parents) that was often educated and then worked in one job/field their whole lives. Marriage and children often came early, and then a settling into a very happy contented life that remained much the same year in and year out. My mom did go back to university in her thirties to become a teacher, but it was something that was always on her radar, a very natural step after a decade of raising her kids and volunteering in classrooms. To me as a ten-year-old girl, I still felt very little disruption in my life.

And so, now, as we find ourselves settling into a life pattern, I'm finding it more difficult to think that God could have major plans for me that don't in any way resemble what I'm doing now. Sure, there is a good chance that James grows our business, and perhaps does more writing as the business requires less of his hands on attention, but I find it hard to glance in our future and imagine something too different from what we are doing now.

And I think it could be a dangerous mind-set. Because I could be ignoring some important preparation now, or, worse, I could ignore and miss a fantastic opportunity for change and excitement in the future. Because it is possible that the road I could be led down is something that I would never fathom. Something I would never imagine myself doing. It is one thing to plan and dream your own ideas (and I sure do have many of those!) but even my own widest dreams could be minuscule compared to what God might have planned.

Maybe not. Maybe I will inspire in a quiet way from this beautiful little home and life I have right now. But I never want to miss a possibility because I'm too caught up in comfort.

If this is a girl...

2012-02-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

Bought this too cute winter outfit while on vacation this week. (The reds actually match.) It was too adorable to pass up, even though I don't know if this little baby is a girl. If not, I will have one beautifully dressed little niece!

Simple Living

2012-02-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

The more I ruminate on what I have read in the book Organized Simplicity over the past couple of days, the more excited I am about my purging project. I am a little bummed that I'm this excited right now, when I'm not in tip top shape healthwise, and when it's the middle of winter and the completely wrong time for a garage sale. All this comes down to the fact that I will likely have to wait until April or May to really tackle this project.

But I'm not sure I will end up waiting that long. I know how important it can be to act on desire like this, because in a couple of months who knows if I'll have the same drive. So if I can convince my wonder, amazing husband to clear me some room in the garage where I can gather yard sale items, I might get moving sooner rather than later.

The most important concept I've gathered from my reading is about purpose. I need to define (in writing, for me, since that' most effective) what vision I have for my home, and then more specifically, for each room. For example:

Main floor: an area where the kids can run around in freely and safely, a friendly atmosphere that let's guests know they can kick up their feet and relax here

Living room: a gathering place for our adult friends, a place to sit and read, our entertainment hub

Kitchen: a place to cook healthy foods from scratch as much as I can

Entryway: effective storage for daily outdoor clothing/shoes, but hidden away as much as possible

With this vision, I can now enter each room and evaluate it against these pictures. An item should be either useful or beautiful, or it doesn't need to be there. If the item is not helping to fulfill my vision of the room, get it out!

I am making a goal to track my room by room progress here on my blog, as a measure of accountability. It will likely be a drawn out process, not something I tackle in a myriad of days in a row. But hopefully, if I get my act together, I can post my ideas and photos of each room, record the items I've held onto for forever but am now tossing, and sharing the joy/agony of the process. Maybe you'll be inspired to embark on your own "organized simplicity" journey, too. If so, be sure to share!

Conversation

2012-02-04T08:35:00.000-05:00

One of my many favourite things about my marriage is that James and I can sit and talk with each other for hours. The other night we both found ourselves in the living room around 8pm, with the kids tucked into bed and the nightly clean up finished. Usually at this point we would decide to play a game or watch a movie or work on a project together. We actually spend a lot of time together in the evenings, usually only heading out solo once or twice a week.

Anyway, there we were lounging on the couches and we got into a conversation. We explored the topic in depth, which then evolved into another and another and another, and before long it was past 11pm, which, these days, is well past time to be in bed for us.

I don't know about you, but for me, conversation gets my mind juices flowing and my energy bursting. But for James, it slowly winds him down. So at 11pm, James fell into bed and was asleep in minutes, whereas I found myself sitting in bed wide awake, knowing I had to be up in six hours and in no way about to fall asleep! This happens often for us - we get a really good debate going, parrying and lunging and hitting blows back and forth, and then James falls asleep and I'm pumped up.

But that's the way it goes. It's still one of my favourite parts of ours days.

Organized Simplicity

2012-02-03T09:13:00.003-05:00

I've gathered a few of my favourite excerpts from the book Organized Simplicity. I'd love to share a few, and add some of my own thoughts swirling around in my head.

"You are making a choice to own and keep every item you have in your home. The important thing to ask yourself is: Is the choice to have the thing in your home worth missing the opportunity to not have it? Do you value owning the item more than you value the liquidity and open space you have without the item It you value the item more, buy it or continue to keep it in your home. If you value the money and the space more, don't buy the item, or sell it if you already own it."

"You're not a victim. You allow each item in your home to be there. Do you love it all? Do you find it useful or beautiful? The surprising effect of getting rid of the things that you don't love is that you grow deeper in love with the things you choose to keep. Your kids love every toy they own. You'd gladly wear every pair of jeans in your closet. You like all the music in your CD collection. Simplifying is not parting with love. It's gaining it."

Stuff, stuff, stuff. This is a HUGE obstacle to being able to organize my home. I'm not a hoarder per se, but I do hold onto things that quite possibly have a future use. I hold onto things related to sentimental memories (different than something that actually has a sentimental memory in itself.) I hold onto items that are worth a lot, even if I don't use them much.

No more. "I am not a victim." I love that phrase in the book. If I don't like the clutter around the house, then I can get rid of it. Nothing is saying I have to hold onto it all. As I was reading the book, things kept flashing into my mind, things that I never would have previously gotten rid of, but suddenly seemed superfluous and annoyingly in the way.

I have a nice set of dishes we got for our wedding (not super expensive) but they can't go in the dishwasher so I never use them. These are not practical and so they will go.

I have a lovely decorative shelf with glass shelves, but it's hidden in our basement because it is impractical to have around with little boys and a house full of people. While I love the shelf and it's very beautiful, my priority in the house is to have a home where the boys can play freely and safely and this piece just doesn't fit. It must go.

CDs and DVDs. Too many we never listen to or watch. I will be much more ruthless in cutting down our collection.

Knick knacks. I've never been a big knick knack person, but they have started to pile up over the years. When I read about the difference between an item that reminds you of a great memory (like a souvenir of a trip) and an item that is a memory (like a childhood teddy bear) I was suddenly able to look around the house and tick off a bunch of things sitting on shelves and mantles that just don't need to take up the space anymore.

Toys. Toys, toys, toys. The bane of my existence. We have too many. We have too many the boys have never played with. Toys are hard, because 90% of them were gifts, and I feel really bad about selling/donating gifts. But we're bursting. What I want out of the toy room is a place to be creative, make music, do puzzles, and play together. Right now it's just a place to gather the toys, with no room to actually play in (which means the toys migrate around the rest of the main floor, which I can't stand!) At least half of the toys need to go.

Clothes. I'm pretty good with keeping the clothes under control. One bin per size. One extra bin per adult for the off-season. One bin of extra shoes. But I know there are several pieces of clothing I could still cull from our closet.

And so I will finally bend to the boys' pleas and have a yard sale in the Spring. There are still many things we have to hold onto until our expected baby grows a little older, but that's just time and season. I want more organized simplicity in my home and this spring I'm finally going to get it!

Tidbits on me

2012-02-02T13:19:00.002-05:00

It's naptime, but I'm on the couch, so I likely won't nap. Which means I'm just sitting here, basking in the silence. It's really nice. I can't decide which is a better way to spend my lovely 2 hours of naptime - sleeping or being alone. It's a toss-up. I gave the bed to my wonderful amazing husband (home for the day due to Caleb's sleep dentistry appointment) who really could use the extra 2 hours of sleep. Plus the phone guy is coming sometime this afternoon, so I offered to stay up in case he comes during the precious hours that are naptime.

Anyway, I'm enjoying the quiet.

I made dinner last night, first time in a really long time. It was an easy casserole, chicken, mixed veggies, can of soup and topped with stuffing. It was yummy, but Benjamin didn't like it at all. We rarely eat salt on anything, and those canned soups taste really salty when you're not used to it.

I'm now administering my own IV meds from home. Someone at some head office decided that I was capable enough to do my own, and didn't need to be taking up the hospital clinic time every day. Turns out it's perfect timing, because I was wondering how it would work having to take Benjamin with me every day. So I have a little hospital corner set up in my living room with the machine and supplies. Honestly, after watching the nurses do it for three months, I can pretty much do it in my sleep.

I'm reading a book called "Organized Simplicity" and I'm loving the ideas in it. (Thanks to Jen who let me know when Amazon was offering it for free!) I'll post some excerpts in the next couple of days. But the main idea I'm coming to understand is that everyone is allotted 24 hours in a day. People who seem to accomplish more, people who say they are too busy, people who balance well - we all have the same "time" opportunity. It's all about the choices we make on how to use the time.

In reading this book, I've also realized that I actually am doing really well in managing my time in a way that lines up with my idea of how I want life to feel. I like a 50/50 balance between scheduled activities and lazy days or last-minute plans. While I want to simplify in my house a little more, my schedule is actually doing pretty good.

I've been feeling the baby move for the past week and a half. I first felt in on Sunday, January 22 (18 weeks along). I think that's the earliest I've ever pinpointed my baby moving. Lots of twirls and rolls inside.

A great reminder in today's women's bible study that we can expect joy in our lives from God. And even if the actual circumstances of our life are not joyous (like feeling sick and in pain 24/7 for 9 months), we can still feel joy. I've got to let that settle in me a little more.

Groundhog predicted an early spring. Well, winter never really came. Unfortunately, groundhogs are only right about 37% of the time. Even if winter comes, there won't be much more than two months of it, which I think I can handle.

Benjaminugget

2012-02-01T07:29:00.003-05:00

You know how "they" say that babies love skin-to-skin contact? I remember those first few weeks when you cuddle up to a swaddled newborn and let their warm skin melt right into your chest. It never lasted much past those early weeks, though.

Until now. Benjamin has suddenly rediscovered a love of skin-to-skin time. Out of nowhere, when he is really tired, or being rocked before bedtime/naptime, or when he just wakes up, he will squirm down in my arms, pull down the neck of my shirt and cuddle his face into my chest. Even if my shirt is not so pull-down friendly, he'll work really hard and squishing it down so he can find a warm spot of skin to lie against. So sweet.

HNIC: PS

2012-01-30T13:27:00.001-05:00

As it turned out, there was no Leafs game on Saturday night! It was the All-Star break, and I had no idea how to break it to Colin. Turns out, I didn't really have to. The All-Stars skills competition was happening instead, so I just explained that instead of a game, we'd watch a whole bunch of little races.

In preparation, I dug out my old Leafs jersey from high school. Colin put on his hockey pyjamas, and threw on a Maple Leafs t-shirt over top. Then he gathered all his little hockey memorabilia (right down the the Kinder surprise hockey playing duck figure) and lined them up on the table next to the couch. He also brought down his comforter with the Original Six logos on it. James made us a feast of junk food including popcorn, mozza sticks and ice cream.

We settled into the evening. The first half hour of ceremony was almost painful it took so long, but we made a game out of playing "watch for the Leaf players" and "identify players from the original six" (logos on comforter, remember?)

The first event was for fastest skater. Lots of adrenaline and rooting for our team (the one with all the Leafs on it.) But it was the second event that made the night. Called the "Breakaway competition" it actually wasn't about scoring at all. It was about showmanship. Each player in the game tried to show off with a fancy trick or two as he skated toward the goalie. It didn't matter if the puck actually went in the net, in fact, the goalies were also in on the game. The goalies would try to stop the puck facing backward, or with their glove over their face, or doing twirls. The players would twirl and twist and lift up the puck with their stick or try to bat it out of the air.

We had two favourites. One player donned a Superman cape and a pair of thick glasses. Then on his way down the ice he slid on his stomach as though flying through the air. He hand passed the puck from one side of his body to the other, catching it with his stick and flinging it into the net. On his second go, he used a trick puck that exploded into 5 chunks when he let go of his slap shot. The second favourite player stopped midway on his skate toward the net, threw off one glove, then the other, tossed his stick away, then pulled a mini 12" stick from underneath his jersey, and proceeded to score on the goalie with the miniature stick.

But my favourite part of the night was watching Colin. He was so ecstatic about everything! He would jump up and perform a live replay of the neatest tricks. Then he would make up his own trick, if he was in the competition. We would cheer when we got a point and groan when our team lost one. We cheered extra loud for the Maple Leafs.

This is definitely going to turn into a weekly event for Colin and I. It was so much fun, spending time just the two of us.

Why the golden rule can be a bad thing

2012-01-29T07:24:00.000-05:00

We all learn the "golden rule" when we are young: do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It seems a perfectly good rule to live by, one that should bring peace and happiness to your life and the lives of those around you.

But sometimes, it is the wrong thing. The completely wrong thing.

I heard a story the other day that illustrated why, in marriage, the golden rule should not apply. It had to do with french fries. If you like french fries, you know that there are a hundred different types out there - thin and thick and baked and deep fried and salted and plain. Every restaurant has their own type, every store bought brand has many varieties, and even when you make them at home you've got lots of options.

There once was a woman who loved super crispy fries. But she loved her husband so much that every time they had french fries she gave him all the super crispy ones, a selfless act of sacrificial love. The thing is, her husband really loved his french fries more soggy. But every time they had french fries he allowed his wife to give him the crispy ones and selflessly let his wife take the soggy ones. It was several years before the couple found out the truth about their mate's preference in french fries, and luckily they were able to laugh about their breakdown in communication (and from that day forward enjoy their own favourite kind of fries.)

French fries are admittedly a small matter in marriage. But apply this story on a larger level and you can see where trouble could brew. Let's say, after an argument, the woman really wants to sit and talk it out until the wee hours of the morning. But her husband needs a 24 hour cooling off period. If they applied the golden rule, "do unto others as you would have others do unto you," then because the wife would try to sit down with the husband and force him to talk immediately, because that's what she wishes would be "done unto her." And the husband would graciously give his wife space for 24 hours, because he feels he should "do unto her as he would have done unto himself."

The examples could go on and on. How a couple spends their time alone. How they deal with extended family issues. How often they invite people over. How they raise their children. How they approach their sex life.

In fact, selfless love in a marriage usually involves the opposite of the golden rule. It means open communication, finding out what your partner's needs, wants and desires are and then sacrificing how you would rather have things done in favour of doing it their way. Of course there is a give and take involved, times where you give and times where you receive. But I can certainly attest to (and I'm sure many of you can also) that the greatest happiness you will find in marriage is when you are not getting your "own way" but are instead doing something special for your spouse.

Hockey Night in Canada

2012-01-28T10:00:00.001-05:00

When I was 15 years old, I discovered hockey. I wasn't raised in a sports-watching home, and while I enjoyed playing on school teams, we weren't really a sports-playing family either. But somehow, one Saturday night, I landed on the CBC on TV, and Hockey Night in Canada. My love of the Maple Leafs was instantly born.

What was even cooler was that my mom wandered in and asked what I was watching. When she saw what it was, she sat down in ecstasy, and admitted before she married my dad she had been a huge hockey fan! We watched many Saturday night games throughout my high school years, and I have followed the team on an off ever since.

I always figured I was just waiting until I got married, then I would find in my husband a soul mate in sports. I mean, most men are into sports, right? Well, turns out I married into a family who aren't sports people either. Neither my husband nor his three brothers are big sports fans. I mean, come on! What are the odds?!

Now I have three sons, and I hope my odds will be better in finding a kindred spirit in my love of sports in one of them. They are too young now to be anything other than influenced by what James and I expose them to. Without TV, I don't watch too many games anymore, but with internet streaming improving, there just might be a revival of HNIC in our house after all! It was sports day today at Colin's school, where everyone wears their favourite team shirt. Yes, both my boys are decked out in Leafs gear. And last Saturday Colin wandered into my room and asked if there was hockey on, and, perfect timing, the Saturday night game had just started. I think I have found our new tradition! Colin and I have a date for tonight again (just for the first period of the game) to watch the Leafs and eat some junk food (probably ice cream, but as he gets older, we'll certainly crack out my traditional pizza/wings/wedge fries/pop fare.) Here's hoping it sticks with him!

Colinism

2012-01-27T08:47:00.000-05:00

Last night James showed Colin and Caleb the short film he made in university. It's a great little comedy piece called "The Dim Reaper" about the Grim Reaper's son learning to take over for his father. The boys have been asking for a long time to see both of our movies, so James obliged. However, because I was really sick and in bed, he didn't want to show the boys my movie without me being there to see their reactions, so instead he popped in "The Sound of Music" and showed them some of the songs and scenes. All three boys had their eyes glued to the screen, absolutely loving every minute.

When James turned the movie off for bedtime, Colin turned to James and said "Daddy, I liked your movie, but Mommy's movie was amazing!"

While I wish I could say my student film was as brilliant as one of the best movies of all time, in truth Colin just didn't realize James had skipped over my film.

"Convince me"

2012-01-26T17:54:00.001-05:00

I hope the "convince me" method will be the one I favour when my children are teens. I love this concept. The idea is that, once you have raised your children to their teens, it is time to let them start making decisions. If you are authoritarian until they leave home, they will be unprepared to make rational, smart, difficult decisions on their own. So those teen years are perfect for helping them to learn how to make good choices.

That being said, I don't believe you can leave them all to themselves, since hormones and other cray brain activity can impare good judgement. Enter the "convince me" method. When my instinct is to say "no" but my teen is firmly on the other side of the fence, instead of just saying "no," I say "convince me." This will hopefully mean that my child will go away and think about the situation, the outcomes, the problems, the solutions. I'm a pretty good debater, and they will soon realize that they will have to think out the situation from all angles if they are truly going to convince me. The end result of this method is that eventually by the time my kids come to me with a request, they'll have thought it out completely before hand, thus equipping themselves with good decision making skills.

Colinism

2012-01-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

"Mom, can we have a chat?"

Colin entered my room calmly, came to the side of my bed and posed this thoughtful question in a serious manner. I agreed, and he laid out his plan. You see, over the last two weeks he has been yearning for a certain Lego toy he saw in his Lego magazine. He originally asked us to buy it for him, but we quickly explained that we don't buy things whenever we want just because we want it. We first have to have the money to buy it, and if we don't, we have to save up. I recommended he put it on his list for his birthday/Christmas.

But then I felt a little bad, because, of course, his birthday and Christmas both come in the same month, which just passed, which means another 11 months before that comes around again. And I could see how hard that would be for a six year old.

After we said we wouldn't buy it, he said he would save up his money. He opened his piggy bank and counted the few dollars that were in there. And I felt a little bad again, because we don't do allowances yet, and now is not exactly a good time for me to start enforcing new ideas around the home.

Anyway, back to Colin in my bedroom, and his request for a chat. In a manner that showed he had put much thought into the matter, he laid out his plan: he asked if he could do some big chores around the house to earn some money, in order to save up to buy his toy.

Well, he hit it on the head of the nail. There are many different methods parents use for allowance, but the one James and I like most is that there are "family chores" the boys will be expected to do because they are a part of the family: keeping their rooms clean and the play room tidied, and, as they grow, sharing part in things like cleaning the bathroom, dishes, laundry, etc. But we will also use a "money chore" list - a list of bigger chores around the house that need doing, and that have an assigned money worth to them. At any time, the kids will be allowed to choose from that list to earn money.

I told Colin I'd think about some money chores. It's hard, because he is only six and isn't strong enough or big enough for bigger tasks. And the smaller ones are ones he does as family chores. Then I realized this would be a good opportunity for some long neglected chores to get done, ones that have been missed because I'm ill and James is so busy.

So now, once a week, Colin can choose to wash the kitchen floor (water, vinegar and a scrubby sponge), wash the bathroom floor, or vacuum the stairs. All three never get done with the regularity we'd wish. A perfect symbiotic relationship!

He's so eager to start right away, but we had to convince him to wait until Saturday to be shown how to do it and what level of quality is expected to earn the money. But he's a good little worker, and I have no doubt he'll get to it! He's a great example for his younger brothers, also.

Cookbook

2012-01-23T15:26:00.000-05:00

I know I've probably raved about my favourite cookbook before, but that's because it is truly awesome. It is one of my favourite wedding shower gifts to give (along with a cute apron.) The Better Homes and Gardens Red Plaid Cookbook is so good I just got myself a second one, since the first has been utterly destroyed from 7 years of use.

What I love about it:

1) The tips and explanation diagrams. From substitution ideas to pictures of different cuts of meat to selecting fresh fruits and vegetables to the complete kitchen tool guide - if there is anything you weren't sure of in recipe directions these pages will answer it for you. Photo step by step guides to tricky preparation processes are also valuable.

2) Favourite standard recipes. While there are some neat new ideas to try, this cookbook contains all your standard recipes you would want to know how to make. Scalloped potatoes, barbecue chicken, muffins, smoothies...so many easy simple recipes especially for someone just starting to cook.

3) Variation ideas: lots of recipes has variation ideas. In the latest revision, there is also a feature called "make-it-mine" which lets you start with a list of basic ingredients and then lets you choose from a list of different ways to change up the flavour. For example, the basic list might say "meat, condensed soup, vegetable, topping" and then you can choose from the list what meat you'd like, what soup flavour, what type of vegetable and what kind of topping.

4) No crazy long ingredient lists and very few one-off ingredients. I consider a "one-off" ingredient one that I have to buy specifically (and usually only) for one recipe. I usually end up tossing the rest, since so few recipes actually use it.

Leafing through my new, revised edition, I'm getting excited for when I'm back up and running again. Remember the concept of the book/film "Julie & Julia" where a woman decided to make very single item in Julia Child's cookbook? I'm feeling inspired to try something of the same with my Better Homes and Gardens cookbook. I spent an hour flipping through the pages today and truly felt like I could try almost every recipe in there. And so, come summer, I just might!

Calebite

2012-01-22T11:48:00.001-05:00

Yesterday Caleb announced that when he grows up, he wants to be a Time Machine Maker, so he can travel back and forth through time. Colin advised him that he could be an Inventor, who would invent lots of things, including time machines. Caleb agreed that sounded better than Time Machine Maker.

I love the seriousness of child's play and imagination.

Postscript - today Caleb wants to be Batman when he grows up. I guess we should wait another decade or two to see where things settle.

Benjaminugget

2012-01-21T19:04:00.000-05:00

If you've ever seen the film "A Mighty Wind" there is a character that says over and over "Wha happened?" in a drawn out, airy sort of voice. Ever since we saw it, James and I have spoken the line jokingly over the years.

Completely unrelated (since we haven't actually referenced the line in the last year or so) Benjamin has started saying "Wha happened?" exactly the same way while he plays with his toys. He'll have a car or an action figure in his hand, and it will crash or fall over, and he'll look at it and say "wha happened? wha happened?" as a part of his game.

I love the little things about our kids that just make you laugh out loud.

Against the grain

2012-01-20T16:19:00.003-05:00

Colin had a project assignment this week that brought an interesting parenting/teaching moment for us. He had to prepare a poster of photos that illustrated several different aspects of his family. Under the heading "my family" he taped up our latest family portrait, but because of the new baby coming soon, I also got him a copy of our last ultrasound to include. He was really excited to have something so unique to talk about.

Two days before his presentation, Colin came home from school dejected. When I pried him for information, he told me that his teacher said that the kids could not include any babies who were still in their mommy's stomach as part of their family. Colin felt pressured to take the ultrasound off, and sad that he couldn't talk about the baby.

I immediately countermanded the teacher's instruction. Obviously this baby is a huge part of our family already, especially given how it has affected the boys' day to day living. There is no way I was going to let the teacher tell Colin that just because the baby was not born yet, it wasn't a part of our family.

I firstly told Colin that he did not have to take the photo off, and that indeed the baby is part of our family. But the more important school-related lesson here is that you don't have to tailor your work to be exactly the same as everyone else's, and to exactly what the teacher wants. As long as the specifications of the assignment are met and the work is done, then being creative and unique is what education is all about.

It was an interesting moment for me, since I spent my whole school career giving teachers exactly what they wanted just so I could be rewarded with an A grade. I have since come to realize how limiting this can be in one's education. Thinking outside the box is the biggest thing that will lead to success in the "real world" and I don't want my children to fall into the typical school trap of simple regurgitation. I want them to know that good teachers will encourage discovery, and only bad teachers will punish them for it. And they will come across those kinds of bad teachers, but in most cases I'd rather they stay true to themselves and their ideas than only strive for certain letter grades. Because there are no As in the real world.

The next stage of life - Postscript

2012-01-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

Thinking about what I wrote yesterday, it occurred to me perhaps one of the reasons I've really been lingering on "the next stage" lately. Yes, it has partly to do with all the reasons I wrote, including illness and sleepless nights and missed honeymoon years. But you know what I really think it is? I think it's my next coping mechanism.

You see, I got through the first trimester of this pregnancy looking forward to the 16 week mark, which was always when I was able to get up and going again. Then, as 16 weeks came and went with no significant improvement, I got really down. I felt like I had nothing to get me through until JUNE, which felt so very, very far away. I mean, the boys will be done school and summer will be in full swing by the time this baby comes and I'm well again. 5 months just seems interminably long.

So "the next stage" has become a definitive point in the future to look forward to. Yes, the baby will come and yes, I can't wait for newborn cuddles again. But right now I need something to get my mind off of pregnancy and babies altogether in order to get through, and, well, this is it. Yay for the brain that knows what we need for survival and subconsciously comes up with it.

The next stage of life

2012-01-15T21:27:00.002-05:00

I know everyone says that we should enjoy the stage of life we're in and not wish for time to speed up and get us to something different. Well, I think "everyone" would understand that I'm a little eager for this pregnancy stage of my life to be done, given the miserable 3 years I'll have spent sick and pregnant by the time this baby comes. Of course I wouldn't give up my beautiful children for anything in this world, but I can be honest in saying I wish I could have done it without the illness and the absenteeism from life.

I am really looking forward to the next stage of life - the post pregnancy stage, the stage that says "here we go, this is the roller-coaster you've been waiting for." Knowing that aside from an occasional flu I'll be there for it all.

I am looking forward to volunteering at the kids' school and going on field trips. I'm looking forward to soccer games and baseball games and volleyball games and camping and kayaking with my family. I'm looking forward to hosting gatherings of family and friends. I'm looking forward to being caught up with things rather than just putting out fires. I'm looking forward to spending time with my husband that isn't doing dishes or falling asleep at 8pm because we haven't slept a full night in years. I'm looking forward to hosting sleepovers with cousins to give our siblings time alone with their spouses, and then looking forward to weekends away with my husband. I'm looking forward to projects and friends and learning and hobbies and girls nights out.

James and I have been married 8 years, which has been wonderful but also a blur, given that 2 years we spent on opposite work shifts (night/day), 3 years I was sick pregnant, and 3 years we had sleepless babies where I survived somehow on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I realized that we never really had a time of those honeymoon days, where you come home from work and hang out with each other every day, and travel and explore the world, or at least your corner of the woods. Again, I wouldn't change a single thing. But I really, really am looking forward to the next stage of life.

But that's just us

2012-01-11T10:01:00.003-05:00

Last night James and I had a *hot* accounting date with the business books. Okay, would be high on the usual list for date night, but actually, we both really love accounting. Strange, I know. But When one of you is on bedrest and the other is wiped from working and running the house, going out isn't really an option. So yes, we had a date doing math, and we liked it. But that's just us.

When James and I were still newlyweds, our financial advisor only half jokingly said that we should go on tour to talk with young 20-somethings about money. She was impressed that we had some good money sense in our heads and a good financial plan well on its way.

As the years have gone by, that comment comes back to me now and then. It's true that James and I have always had, and still have, a good money plan. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that it's really because not only are we both of the most optimal money personality (savers, who still allow for wise spending/splurging on quality now and then) but that when we married each other, because we are the same money personality, there was not going to be any friction between us when it came to finances.

I'm not sure if the stat is the same now, but for a long time money problems were the number one cause of divorce. That doesn't mean just those who have to budget every penny because of tight finances, it mainly means that the husband and wife have two completely different ideas of how the household money should be handled. The amazing thing for James and I is that we've never had one disagreement when it comes to money. We are always 100% on board with each other. I think that if you presented any money scenario to us and had us solve the problem apart, our plans would be identical when you compare them.

So because of our secret love of math and numbers, there we were last night, running and crunching numbers and creating graphs and charts and actually enjoying it. But that's just us.

Calebites

2012-01-11T07:21:00.002-05:00

Caleb: Colin? Colin? COLIN! Colin, Are your ears broken? Then ANSWER me!!!

2012-01-10T11:16:00.003-05:00

Last week I got myself hooked onto Pinterest, an emerging web fad that I think will really take off. It's not much more than a virtual pinboard, a place to collect all the neat ideas and inspirations we come across online. What's great is that it's finally all in one place, rather than on multiple specialty websites (like recipe or decorating ones), in an image folder on your computer (that never tracks where the idea came from, and is often missing crucial instructions!) or in the ever growing bookmark folder in your browser (those links disappear or make so sense after a couple of months.)

The time eater can be surfing around your friends' pin boards, seeing what great ideas they've found (then pinning them onto your own boards.) But I found that after the initial exploration, things have calmed down to a few minutes and a few new ideas a day.

I've already implemented this awesome idea for the closet in the baby's nursery:

(and no, it is not done in pink, and that is not revealing that we are having a girl! I'm going to wait until our new little one is born to see what colours I go with)

And here is a new idea I saw today, and I seriously think this could be the answer to my menu planning dilemma. I love to menu plan my dinners each week, to help keep on our monthly food budget. Sometimes I have the time to sit and browse through my cookbooks, but sometimes I just wouldn't rather it be much faster than that. With this method, I can quickly look through our favourite meal ideas, and also let James and the boys pick some ideas, too! I'm a very visual person, so it makes it much easier to have the meal ideas written down in front of me instead of trying to rack my brain under pressure.

While I'm not great at this kind of crafty thing, I probably could at least follow this example, or perhaps get one of my super crafty friends to help me out in the details. Nevertheless, I'm excited for the great ideas I'm gleaning through Pinterest!

(PS - if you aren't already on this website, you need to be invited by someone who is, so just let me know and I'll send you the invite!)

A little discouragement setting in

2012-01-09T19:40:00.002-05:00

Passing the 16 week mark of my pregnancy seems to have resulted in more than a little discouragement. The times when I've felt well enough to try and participate in something has led to a multiple day downward slide afterwards. I still have days where I can't get out of bed. I still have days where the super-meds I'm on don't seem to touch much of the illness.

16 weeks was supposed to be when I kick back into regular life. In all three previous pregnancies, this was the time when my daily activities returned to normal. While I'm still ill for the whole nine months, at least I was able to get back out.

The nurses have said it could take another couple of weeks, but after that then it's not likely just the HCG levels that are making me sick. There's a good chance it's a girl and the estrogen levels are making things worse than the last times. Or my body just keeps reacting worse to the whole experience. Either way, the next couple of weeks will either mean getting better, or remaining like this for another five months.

I am finding it really hard being so removed from life, particularly at home. I don't really know what the boys are doing at school. I'm missing the evolution of their growth and play and learning. I'm missing preparing meals for my family (yes, I really do love to do that!) I'm missing hanging out with my husband. I miss the organization of my home. I miss even the small things, like changing over the seasons of clothing. And I really don't feel like continuing on like this until June. By that time, school will be out and I'll have essentially missed an entire school year of my boys. And I'll have missed some of my favourite moments of toddler-hood with Benjamin.

Part of me hates this pity-party for one, but I also realize that our challenges are personally designed, and I can't compare what I find hard to deal with to other's seemingly more difficult struggles. This is hard for me, and I'm not exactly sure what I will need to do to get through the next five months.

Writing writing writing

2012-01-08T19:25:00.002-05:00

Saw a post for the Toronto Star's short story contest. Thought I might see what I could do. My problem is keeping it to 2500 words! My best short story right now is just shy of 5000, and I'm not sure I could hack it in half. The other two I have are both just over 3000. I think I'll take another stab at another story and see what count it comes in at. I love that short stories tend to write themselves. Now to find an editor with less emotional ties than myself to the work!

Colinisms

2012-01-06T10:35:00.000-05:00

Last week we did the old "pass the clothes on down" for the boys' Sunday dress. Colin has been waiting forever to grow into a nice black suit jacket he has hanging in his closet, and was ecstatic on Sunday when he put it on and it fit well enough to wear. He takes so much pride in getting dressed on Sunday (which he never replicates during the week!), getting all the shirt buttons done up, the vest on, the tie on. Once he put the jacket on, his eyes grew wide at his reflection: "I look just like Daddy!" he proclaimed in awe.

My mom then recounted that later at church that day, Colin had been sitting on my mom's lap reading a book. But all of a sudden during the passing of the bread and water, he climbed down and moved down the pew to sit next to James. He settled down on the bench next to his dad, and took care to imitate exactly the way James was sitting. He sat reverently for that 20 minute time span or so, a little miniature version of his father.

***

My dad was reading a chapter book of Scooby-Doo to Colin yesterday, and the chapter ended in a cliff-hanger: there was a monster to be caught, and a trap must be designed and laid! As soon as my dad closed the book, Colin disappeared off to Lego-land (as is his habit) to start building. Not long after, he came back to my dad and presented the trap he had built, what he imagined the characters would build in the next chapter. It was a tower with a mug of hot chocolate beneath it, and a large crate designed to fall when the monster went for the bait. It was actually really impressive! Colin was sorely disappointed when they read the next chapter later on and found out the characters opted instead to simply throw a blanket over the monster. Then again, Colin was not surprised when that trap didn't work. He clearly understood that he had the superior design!

Tears and cuddles

2012-01-05T06:39:00.000-05:00

One thing I've really tuned into while having to lie in bed upstairs while my family are downstairs are the tears. We have three really high energy boys, one of which is super sensitive, one of which is super emotional, and one of which is two. To keep things in order, we've always needed to run a tight ship. We try to allow the boys as much latitude as we can, but we have to reign things in quickly before they get out of control.

Nevertheless, there are always moments in the day when sharp words of warning must be used, usually to prevent injury. Often our boys' emotional response is tears. Half of the time the answer is to remove the boy from the situation (have some time apart in their room - not as a punishment, just as a way to calm down) and the other half of the time we have a cuddle.

Lately, every time I hear those tears start (yes, they are always accompanied by a good healthy loud cry), all I want is to pull them up into bed with me and cuddle and wipe away those tears from their cheeks. It has really made me want to always have that reaction to my boys' tears, not just when I removed from the stress of parenting. Although I know a balance must be struck between comforting and indulging, I like this new outlook bed rest have given me.

When tragedy strikes close to home

2012-01-04T11:19:00.002-05:00

How painful I find to write today, just having completed an entry on the beauty of the world. I suppose it is true that we live in a world of opposition, and we can only know true joy and happiness when in comparison to sorrow and pain.

I was shocked this morning to learn about the wonderful french couple with whom I lived during my exchange to France. Everyone who knows me knows who much I was affected by my time living there, how much the place has come to mean to me. Even 14 years later I am still in contact with my french family, following their lives and adventures, including the birth of a baby.

The biggest adventure they embarked on was when the mother and father sold all they had (including their precious gem of a home up a small mountain route in Ollioules) to sail around the world on their catamaran. Christian was a navy veteran, and the whole family had grown up sailing. I was even fortunate to spend some time on the boat, sailing and sleeping on the open Mediterranean waters.

This morning I was shocked to learn about their capture by Somali pirates, the death of Christian, and the kidnapping and subsequent brazen rescue by police of Evelyne. The notice came in French, and I was so unstable I struggled through much of the content. Sometimes even missing one word can change or alter the meaning of the message, and it took me several times to come to a complete understanding of what had happened.

I avidly follow news all the time, and so I had long heard of the situation with the Somali pirates. I'd heard the reports, seen the images, and yet never really understood what the tragedy of news reports really holds until now. Until now, those things seem like things that happen to other people. Brief soundbytes conveying news. But how devastating and life-altering those short reports are to families forever changed by a sudden event.

The unexpected wave of grief hit me like a brick wall this morning, a reminder of just how much I was impacted by my journey over there. When you are 17 and leaving home for the first time, you quickly find a way to fill in the gap of missing parents. Christian and Evelyne did exactly that for me, taking me into their home of two daughters and making me feel like a third. I feel like it is hard for me to mourn here, because I'm mourning a memory from 14 years ago, and yet it is something that has always remained a big part of me.

Elegantly eclectic

2012-01-04T08:57:00.000-05:00

"There is beauty all around"

I love that I have an eye for catching beauty around me. There is just something about living life seeing the little things that inspires me.

I stumbled on this website today, and every single image this author posts is breathtaking in its own way. Every photo is different, and the subjects are far reaching: people, places, moments, fashion. This website is going on my "follow" list so that every morning I can start my day by looking at something beautiful. Hopefully it will serve as a reminder to find something like that in my day that follows.

The bedroom dilemma

2012-01-03T09:14:00.001-05:00

Has anyone out there figured out the perfect way to decorate a master bedroom for a husband and wife? Because seriously, this is the bane of my existence.

For me, it starts with my imagination problem. I have this issue where I imagine something (anything - a dress, a decor, a colour) in my mind without having seen anything like it before. And then when I go out looking for it, surprise surprise, it isn't out there. And I go from store to store frustrated that nothing matches what I have in my mind. Then I usually come home empty handed.

Nothing, other than my ideal prom dress, has exemplified this problem more than decorating our master bedroom. I have these wonderful ideas of having something that is both romantic and an oasis. I have literally looked through thousands of photos of bedrooms, and have not found even one that I like. It's true. I have never seen a master bedroom that I really love that would be perfect for a married couple.

Sure, I've seen some lovely photos with gorgeous pinks or clearwater blues or calming greens that I just love. I've seen some fantastic shabby chic ideas that would be perfect for me, but have not a single touch of masculinity in them for James.

I look at colour palettes and nothing jumps out. I think of the colour groups and reject them all - red, orange, yellow, purple, blue, green. Neutrals are nice but don't have the excitement I'm after.

Right now our bedroom is a complete mish mash. We have James' double bed from before we met, sans a headboard or footboard. The dresser belonged to at least two people before James got it, before we met, and was built in the 60s, or maybe the 70s. The night table was also his, mismatched, old, peeling veneer top. The other night stand is just a table we used to have on our balcony at the apartment. Add a Wal-Mart special bookshelf. I do have a lovely quilt that I bought when we moved into our house, but it's a country, homey feel, which again is lovely in terms of making you feel like you want to sink into it, but cottage comfort isn't really what I'm going for. The walls are a burnt orange - I gave James the choice on the colour since I chose the rest of the colours for the house.

So where does that leave me? Hopefully not stuck in this collection forever. Perhaps if we build a new master bedroom, I can hire a consultant who is a magic mind-reader and who will know exactly what it is I'm looking for, because I certainly don't!

On the other hand, if you are a magic mind-reader and have been able to decipher all these ramblings into the perfect picture, please feel free to send it my way!

Reading reading reading

2012-01-02T14:58:00.002-05:00

The books have aligned in our house right now, and all of us are reading voraciously! I always love reading, but 16 hours a day in bed has helped me devour 200+ pages a day, and an average of at least 2 books a week (I like big books.) I got James an e-reader for his birthday, and he has discovered an author he absolutely loves. He always said he loved reading, but always preferred movies. Now, most nights, he first asks me what I want to do, but adds the caveat that "if you want we can just read in bed together."

Over the past couple of months we started reading chapter books with the boys, and they are hooked. We started with the classic "Charlotte's Web." After that I introduced them to the "Wayside School" series, and finally, on the recommendation of a friend with three boys, "Captain Underpants." Colin can't get enough. You should have seen how excited the boys were at Christmas every time they opened a chapter book. Every night we read a chapter to Colin before bed, and often during the day he'll show up with his book and ask for another chapter. Caleb is often napping or already in bed at night, but if we're reading during the day, he's right there beside you.

Even Benjamin is loving the idea of reading. He has a couple of favourite picture books that he loves to go through and name the pictures. He also loves to hear the rhyming rhythms of poem books. But he also gets the idea of "grown up" books. If he finds one of my books lying around, he loves to open it and "read" aloud, flipping page to page.

I can't wait to find a place in our home to create a reading nook in. Once we're out of the toddler toy stage (another 3 years) I might be able to carve out some space in the play room. Or if we go ahead with a house extension, we might be able to make one of the upstairs rooms into a library. Yes, I love the e-reader, but the atmosphere of books on shelves is something I will always love and crave.

2012

2011-12-31T15:32:00.003-05:00

As I lay in bed this morning, it occurred to me that the New Year begins tomorrow.

First of all, let me just put it out there that New Years shouldn't be in the middle of winter. The temperatures are just too darn cold and I think they hinder rather than help any new commitments. I wonder if New Years Resolutions are broken just as quickly in California as they are in Canada? For me, there is something inspiring and renewing about warm sunny weather. I'm thinking of petitioning for New Years in June.

At any rate, I nevertheless gave some consideration to what I might want my own resolutions to look like this year. My first thought was "well, the first six months are a write-off. All I want to do is survive." With the outlook not looking good for much improvement in this pregnancy, I'll count myself lucky just to get through the next six months.

Then I realized that the six months after that will be about survival also. Those first six months with a newborn can be a killer. Sleep is about the only goal you can have with a new baby around.

And then, just like that, 2012 is over! Whoa. That went by fast. It's a little disheartening.

And so I have revised my goal of the second half of the year to be this: slow down and enjoy the moments. Put baby in a sling or a stroller and wander through the beautiful summer weather we enjoy. Do only one activity a day, and don't rush through it. Take a walk, take a picnic, lounge in the backyard swing. Look at the stars. Sit at the park. Gather with friends in the backyard underneath the darkening sky and laugh. Eat good food, lovingly prepared. Cuddle, cuddle, and cuddle some more. Read. Strum the guitar on a blanket in the grass. Don't rush. Don't rush. Don't rush.

That made me smile. That gave me a little hope to endure the next six months. 2011 was a fairly peaceful and uneventful year. 2012 will definitely bring change, in the form of our newest and last addition to our little family. What else do you have in store for me?

Excerpt from "The Poisonwood Bible"

2011-12-30T19:55:00.002-05:00

"When I go with them [family visiting America from Africa] to the grocery, they are boggled and frightened and secretly scornful, I think. Of course they are. I remember how it was at first: dazzling warehouses, buzzing with light, where entire shelves boast nothing but hair spray, tooth-whitening cream, and foot powders...

"What is that, Aunt Adah? And that?" their [son] Pascal asks in his wide-eyed way, pointing through the aisles: pink jar of cream for removing hair, a can of fragrance to spray on the carpet, stacks of lidded containers the same size as the jars we throw away each day.

"They're things a person doesn't really need."

"But, Aunt Adah, how can there be so many kinds of things a person doesn't really need?"

I can think of no honorable answer. Why must some of us deliberate between brands of toothpaste, while others deliberate between damp dirt and bone dust to quiet the fire of an empty stomach lining?

The search for self

2011-12-29T16:57:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else feel like by the time you're my age (30s) you're supposed to have settled down in your search for self? Like the questions and uncertainties of teenagedom and university life should all be answered? That the insecurities of who you are should be settled?

I always thought that was the way things are. And maybe they really are for most people (I might have to wait to hear from you readers out there on this one.) But lately I feel like all those firm decisions I made about myself aren't so solid after all.

I've always struggled with some real dichotomies in who I am, what I love, what I believe. There are times when I look at what I oscillate between and wonder how on earth I can reconcile such opposition within me. How can those diametrically opposed ideas co-exist within me?

In the past, these varying differences have always led me to share parts of myself with people, but never finding anyone to relate to me as a whole. When I'm bonding over showtunes, I rarely find I can discuss at length the latest hockey trade. When I'm pouring over construction plans for my fence or deck with someone, I usually don't bring up the schooling versus education debate. If I was planning a canoe portage camping trip, I probably wouldn't be also sharing my experience as a hair model. And most people might not understand when I was really torn between learning to play the flute in band or joining a competitive volleyball team. In high school, I was on the Mathletics team the same year I made the senior Field Hockey team in grade 10. I have a deep desire to be a homeschooling mom living in the country and to work in the film business in LA. How on earth do all these things mesh?

These are all interest-based, and I suppose fairly superficial. I've managed through the years by floating between many groups, having to be satisfied with finding something in common with who I was with at the moment, rather than developing a deeper relationship with a couple people with whom I shared much more in common.

What I'm finding difficult now to reconcile are the belief-based ideas that I find competing with each other. Perhaps some of this comes from my debating team background, an ability to see all sides of the conversation, and a desire to understand where the other person is coming from. Sometimes I wonder if it comes from the very strong and equally divided personality I have, where I am equally faith/emotional based as I am scientific/reason based. Generally people fall on one side or the other. But for me, I've always fallen smack dab straddling the fence. And I often find it so very hard to reconcile within me.

All this thinking is what led me to my opening paragraph - am I supposed to have figured this all out by now, or is it okay to still be shifting? Is it that I never really answered these questions before, or that my life experience is opening my eyes in new ways? All of this is swimming around in my head; they are not conversations I have yet felt comfortable to have with any person yet. The questions seem a little scary because mostly I don't think there really are answers for me, despite the confidence many others out there seem to display. Maybe some people really do have their life, beliefs, and ideas all boxed up with a pretty red ribbon and feel completely comfortable and assured in what's inside. But something tells me that that kind of stability is not in me to find. I crave ideas, I crave conversation, I crave debate too much.

So I wonder if you feel like your search for self has levelled out at some point in your life? Do you feel like you came through the turbulent years of youth and now stand on solid ground? This doesn't mean that there isn't growth in the future. What I'm referring to here is really the outward display of confidence I see in a lot of people who stand firm and declare themselves to others. I admire that stability, but does it actually exist? Or are they, too, having questioning conversations in their minds?

"Life is what happens to you...

2011-12-28T15:58:00.003-05:00

...when you're busy making other plans."

- John Lennon

Planning is good. Life goals get you places. And yet sometimes you can never in your wildest dreams or nightmares imagine what life is going to throw you.

Two things I've been thinking about in this area. The first was an interview I read by a current TV star. He said that he wished he could go back and tell his 16 year old self (he's 21 now) where he'd be in five years. You see, he was bullied through his school years so badly that he was homeschooled during middle school, and hated almost every day of high school. A friend of a friend submitted his name for a new TV show that didn't even have a role that would fit him. The producers saw it and created a new role just for him. He didn't have the slightest inkling during those dreaded days of high school that things could ever be this good.

The other thing is the situation of friends of ours. Last year they were a young happy family, with one smart little boy and another baby on the way. The husband was working hard full time and putting himself through college to be an engineer. Then one day their son was diagnosed with cancer. Try as he might, this husband could not juggle work and school and family and cancer, and so he had to drop out of school. He is still committed to returning to school to graduate, but doesn't know when that might happen.

So here I've been, these past two months, lying in bed and waiting for the illness to pass. I spend about 16 hours a day awake and by myself, which is a lot of time to spend in your own head. I've started at least two dozen different writing projects (mostly books) but can't get very far. (A side effect of the medication I'm on is lack of concentration.) And I've been lying here wondering what my future has in store for me. Right now I am a mother, and I love that. But what possibilities lie down the road? I love writing, acting, music, filmmaking, teaching, public speaking. I'm an artist through and through, but I've never felt the desire to make that my one and only pursuit. I know some artists will say that they would work like mad 40 years to become an overnight success, but I don't see that in myself. It's not a lack of dedication, but rather a love of so many different things.

And still it makes me wonder, if, one day down the road, I might be a part of something almost accidentally that thrusts me in a new and unexpected direction. I don't lust after fame (although no artist could honestly say they wouldn't love to be recognized for their art), but I do love the creative process.

I feel a new sudden sense of freedom, even while tied to my bed in illness. I feel like I don't want to set out a life plan, because maybe I'll be the one that gets in the way of life.

Christmas

2011-12-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

Christmas has come and gone. We are starting to get a feel for what it's like with kids. We are hidden under another huge mound of toys. I hit Zellers for clear storage bins, a boxing day tradition for me. I purge from our house year round, and still there is too much stuff here. Over the next week we'll gradually start to clean and organize and get the house under some sort of control!

I am not "turkeyed" out. I love turkey. I love Christmas dinner. We've had two this year, without much leftovers. I am looking sadly at the few remaining pieces and trying to ration it out for my turkey and cranberry buns.

We have one celebration left this coming weekend. We will celebrate a host of winter birthdays for my family - all three boys, both nephews and my niece, my sister and my dad. And yes, there will be more gifts. Come to think of it, we still haven't had the boys' birthday parties with their friends. We really didn't think this through when we had all three of our kids at Christmastime!

While I seem to be doing marginally better healthwise, I'm still tied to the IV medication. I was able to change it over so that I only need a half hour instead of seven, and I can do it at the hospital so that it's at the same time every day (first thing in the morning). I've migrated down to the couch so that I can observe all the holiday festivities and watch the boys play to their hearts content while they are home from school. I'm still laid up all day, but at least I can feel a part of things again.

It's been a whirlwind of a month, which I hoped would be the case. With so many events going on, the weeks flew by, bringing me to the end of my first trimester faster than expected. I tried going off the medication last week but regressed within two days. I'm hoping to see some more improvements in the next couple of weeks, but it seems more than likely I will be on the hospital IV for a long time, if not the entire pregnancy.

And so the winter months begin. A light snow has been falling all day. The air is crisp. I'll enjoy the season now, before we all get wrangy from being cooped up inside every day.

Remember

2011-12-21T17:40:00.001-05:00

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”

Marjorie Hinckley

Happy Birthday Benjamin

2011-12-20T14:14:00.002-05:00

Benjamin is two years old today. Wow. I think 18 months to about 2 1/2 is such a precious age. Okay, I really love all the ages and stages, but I really love the wonder that is being two.

Benjamin is soaking up everything in the world around him. He wants to be a part of it all. He wants to experience it all. He is not a sit back and observe the world type; he wants to jump right in and be there.

Benjamin loves to help out, which is his way of learning the world. Right now, he really loves to brings things to people (like bringing me my meals in bed every day) and also to load and unload the dishwasher. And he is persistent - he will stick with a job he's doing until it is done to the very last. His little face just lights up if you give him a task.

He is also discovering language at a "melodic" rate. That's the best adjective I could think of. He's not like the other boys, who just opened their mouths one day with full sentences and adult vocabularies, and not like the typical toddler who learns a word at a time, in relation to the things he knows and wants. Rather, Benjamin is learning words as though they were notes in a song, one following the other in a logical, lyrical and musical manner.

Benjamin loves to cuddle. All my boys are cuddlers, but at age two, there are certainly a lot more cuddles. He is slow to wake up in the morning or from nap, and always wants to just sit or lie with me for 20 or 30 minutes when he does wake. And at random times during the day (especially these days, when we don't see each other much), he'll come find my in bed, climb up, and snuggle right into the crook of my arm.

He also loves to play with the boys, but especially Caleb. I've noticed a special bond between those two. I'm not sure if it's because they are close in age, or because Colin is years more mature than his years, or if it's because Caleb and Benjamin are so similar in personality. But the two of them seem to get each other. If one is crying, the other will come running to offer a hug and wipe away the tears. They love to share everything together. They play games together, sometimes sitting with toys, more often running around the house.

We certainly love our little Boo-Bear-Boy. What a beautiful blessing his sparkling eyes and laughing smile are to our family.

Coming up out of the haze

2011-12-16T15:32:00.002-05:00

I think, I think, I just might be coming up out of the haze of the last 6 weeks.

Very often, with hyperemesis, there is a sudden recovery of symptoms. After about 12 weeks of pregnancy, the HCG hormone levels suddenly nose dive and within a couple of days there is a good levelling off. I think I might have hit that, at last.

Yesterday and today I'm suddenly feeling the urge to get back into life. Up until now, while I have managed to side-step the common side-effect of Zofran (depression) I have woken up every morning and felt that I could handle nothing more than simply trying to breathe and nibble before evening came again. Today, I actually made a very short venture out into the world on my own.

Granted, I was exhausted from the effort when I returned. It will still be another two or three weeks at least before I can regain all my strength. I gasp for breath from descending the stairs or speaking for more than ten minutes. My muscles have all seized from lying in bed for so long. And taking a bath (forget a shower) still means I have to lie down for a couple of hours afterward. But bit by bit things will improve.

Web published

2011-12-15T07:40:00.001-05:00

Another essay I wrote on the moments of motherhood was published on the "Power of Moms" website today. If you get a chance, check it out.

Moments in the Moonlight

Benjaminugget

2011-12-14T19:57:00.002-05:00

Figuring out pronouns is something that always takes toddlers a while. Usually you hear a lot of "me" in the place of "I, and a great confusion in the difference between "you" and "me". Often young kids will even talk about themselves in the third person.

Benjamin has a new one, at least one I've never heard used. He uses "my" for everything. "My do it." "My go with you." Of course he also uses it in the possessive sense "my mommy" and "my truck", but I guess he just figured it was easier to use that pronoun instead of trying to stumble through the rest of the English language.

Colinism and Calebite

2011-12-13T14:35:00.002-05:00

Last year James and I made a big decision about moving Colin to a new school for senior kindergarten. It was a decision that wasn't made lightly or easily, with many pros and cons on both sides of the debate. One of the biggest risks we were taking is that if the new school didn't work out, I didn't want to move Colin again for grade one. I really felt that whatever decision we made, it was going to have to stick for a few years at least.

Boy, am I ever glad this new school worked out - and I am happy with the decision in so many ways. I love the small school feeling, the fact that we know all the teachers and all the teachers know our kids. I love how the school can work together on projects and ideas, instead of being segregated by year. I love that between my good friend and I, we will have 8 kids between us, in 7 different grades at the school (talk about being in the know!)

Most of all, I love how my kids are thriving in the French language. Despite both James and I have taken French immersion, I am very apprehensive every time I send off one of my little ones to junior kindergarten. I worry that the language will hold them back, that they won't pick it up, that other kids with more fluent parents will leave my kids behind. I worry that it will not let them reach their full potential in the long run. I know that statistically all these fears are unfounded, and even if one of my kids struggled with the language and had to be pulled from the program, losing the first couple years of school will not negatively affect their entire lives.

Both my boys are doing amazingly. I am in awe of how quickly our young ones can pick up a new language. Yesterday, Colin was trying to relate an experience to me, and he seemed to be struggling a little, as evidenced by the far-away gaze in his eyes and the furrowed forehead. When I asked him what was wrong, he replied "Mom, I just can't think of all the English words!" I smiled, and told him that he can go ahead and just tell me in French, because I understand that too.

Caleb has blossomed all of a sudden in the language. He wasn't participating much through the first two months, but his teacher and I realized that it was more a desire thing than an ability thing, since Caleb was inconsistent in what he "knew" and "didn't know." Since December hit, the teacher has instituted her "no English in class" rule. The teacher never spoke any English to the kids, but up until now has tolerated the occasional English phrase from the kids, especially since most of them were not yet fluent in French. But now, no more. And you know what? Caleb is doing just fine. He's already starting to slip up at home, mixing in French with English all the time, which is one of the milestones on the way to fluency.

Don't you love when things work out so well?

Baby #4

2011-12-12T14:48:00.000-05:00

Today I had another ultrasound for little baby Gawthroupe #4. What an amazing experience.

The nurse came by early so I could get my Zofran before trying to head out into the world for the first time in 5 weeks. A dear friend offered to take me, since I don't think I could possibly drive. So I was all set.

Because the last ultrasound was so early, it was also a little inconclusive, for me. So it's been a rough 5 weeks, wondering if my little baby was alright. Well, if the last ultrasound was nerve-wracking and inconclusive, then yesterday's made up for that in spades. The OB said that because I was so tiny (having lost all that weight, I'm still in pre-pregnancy clothes, which is unusual for a 4th baby!) she was able to get a perfectly clear picture. So clear, in fact, that the OB herself was amazed. She kept gushing "I can't believe how clear it is! It looks just like a full grown baby! And look at it waving at us! And the little foot in the air...and the toes!" This doctor has done thousands of early ultrasounds, so for her to be as amazed as she was, I knew it was special.

Every sentence that came out of her mouth was hugely positive. She found the heartbeat right away, and I heard it loud and strong. All the measurements were perfect, nothing indicating any problems. The baby was waving around all its limbs, as if to show that everything is just fine. I really needed to know that, and it's not something you would normally get from an ultrasound at the end of the first trimester.

The doctor has told me that I'm a week ahead of where she put me last time. 12 weeks today! Yay! Most importantly, that means I should start to feel much better. Week 9-12 are usually the worst for hyperemesis, and after that normally things improve quickly. I've been ordered another week of my IV treatment, but I'm hoping after that not to need it.

So June 26 is the official due date, so we'll plan for something around mid-June, since my babies generally come early. It seems to very far away.

Colinism

2011-12-11T20:55:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Colin came into my room to find me playing old fashioned solitaire, on the computer. (It's less messy than real cards when you're playing it in bed.) With genuine interest, he asked what I was playing.

Mommy: It's a card game, called Solitaire.

Colin: How do you play?

Mommy: Well, you have to get all the cards in order, but there are some other rules and things, too.

Colin: Like what?

Mommy: (giving in, even though she is very tired and not feeling well) Up here you have to get them all in the same group by their symbol, starting at one and going up to king. And down here they have to count down, but you also have to alternate colours, red and black. And up here is where you get your new cards from, but you can only choose the card on top.

Colin: Oh. (pause.) Shouldn't you put that block five on that red six, then?

Mommy: (to herself) Oh shoot, how long has that been sitting there?

Mommy: (aloud): Yes, that's exactly right.

Colin: And if you do that, then you can put the 3 and 4 and 5 of the hearts up at the top.

Mommy: I guess it wasn't that complicated of a game after all.

Colin: Can I tell you where all the cards go?

Mommy: Sure love.

Early morning

2011-12-09T07:00:00.002-05:00

Colin (not Caleb, but Colin, my "sleeper") woke up at 4am this morning. He told me he couldn't sleep because he was too excited for pyjama day at school today. I told him to crawl in bed with me, but then he just lay awake beside me, fidgeting and talking. He actually was that excited. For pyjama day.

This does not bode well for Christmas morning.

Afterschool

2011-12-08T07:12:00.002-05:00

After yesterday's blog entry about making home like Santa's workshop, I saw a couple more people posting about the same thing - how they were really enjoying little activities at home with their young children. One woman wrote about the different supplies she has gathered so that when her children come home from school, they have some neat to work on together (like toothpick/mini marshmallow shapes, and baking cookies, and making up their own board games)

That got me thinking to the after school madness. And madness it is, indeed. We walk in our front door around 4:15pm after the bus drop the two older boys off. Once all the snow gear is off and put away, and the bags are riffled through for notes, it's 4:30pm and I have exactly two hours before the bedtime routine starts. In that two hours, I still have to prep and make dinner, eat, clean up, and do the little bit of homework the boys have. While I clean up after dinner, the boys usually have a little time to play with Daddy, if he's home. Somehow, that usually all takes about two hours.

I remember at the last parent teacher interview with Colin's teacher, I told her we were working on trying to do the homework each night, but that I was finding there just wasn't enough time. When I explained we only had two hours between school and bed (less on a bath night) she was genuinely surprised. She praised me for the early bedtime hour (which is appropriate for their age) and said that most kids are not tucked in so early. I was grateful for her understanding, but it still doesn't solve our lack of after school time.

We could add an extra hour every day if I drove the kids instead of them taking the bus, or if I could get them on another bus which would drop them off 45 minutes earlier. I'm hoping for the bus, but that won't happen until at least next September. If I can't get that changed, however, then the Mom Taxi it is. I just want my kids to have a little time to be kids.

Sienna

2011-12-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

My sister Jennifer had her baby last week! I know, I know - a whole week has gone by (see previous entry on blog blahs). But here is a picture of my beautiful little niece, Sienna Elizabeth Germano, with her whole head of dark brown hair, just like Mommy!

She was born November 29th, 2011, at 9:59pm. She weighed in at 9 pounds, 1 ounce. Her birth story was very long and involved, and suffice it to say that my sister is a rock star for having survived it all! Now comes the transition to motherhood for her. It's funny - you have nine months to prepare for it, but the actual transition happens in a split second. It's a startling change. All of a sudden you go from not really having to worry about anyone but you, to having a whole little life depend on you for everything. But I'm not worried - she's got a great support system, including her fantastic husband, fabulous older sister, plus my parents who arrive next week, our younger sister, and her husband's family, for whom this is the first grandchild/niece, and so are overjoyed at the prospect of helping with the baby.

Welcome, little Sienna!

A time to grow and change?

2011-12-07T06:52:00.002-05:00

The last couple of days I've come onto the computer to write a blog entry and stared at the blinking cursor for a while, then closed it down. I've been in bed a month now, 3 weeks hooked up to the IV, and I feel like there's just not that much to write about. Every day is the same. Every day I can choose between watching a movie, reading a book, or doing crosswords on the computer. Could I really write for two months about that?

This morning I was reading a friend's blog entry about how the past couple of days her house has felt like "Santa's workshop." We had the most beautiful snow yesterday, the kind that sticks to the branches of the tree and just makes everything look like a winter wonderland, and so thinking about my friend's house being Santa's workshop was just the most beautiful image. Then I thought about how we usually pass our time when I'm well, and I thought, you know what? Even if I was well, I don't know that I would have spent my mornings doing Christmas crafts and baking and the like. The past 6 years of sleepless nights have meant that I spend most mornings getting the housework done so that I can grab a nap when the boys sleep in the afternoon. Other mornings I like to take the boys out to play, to fill the time.

Fill the time. That's the expression that I'm not liking here. And that's the one that I really want to change once I'm out of bed again. Winter is here, which means my yearly hibernation from the cold, and even when I can get out of bed, it's still a long recovery of strength before I can get out of the house on outings again. But I hope I can become a little more deliberate in my mornings with the boys/Benjamin. While I may not spend time playing transformers (such a boy thing!) I want to come up with some neat ideas of things we can do together.

Happy birthday Colin

2011-12-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

Colin turned 6 years old today, and how time flies. James made the comment that he is one-third of the way to being an adult, and it really took me aback. He's little boy face has started to change ever so slightly, but enough that he's leaving behind the baby face he's had since birth.

He's such a serious little soul. He really watches and listens to everything, and with his perfect memory recall, you can't get anything by him. He amazes me every day how he learns and applies things, and integrates them into his play.

I was sad to miss the celebrations downstairs, but I think having to listen from bed made me even more attentive to all the little comments and nuances of the day. My favourite moment: after Colin made his wish and blew out the candles, he was eager to tell everyone what he'd wished for: that his family would be together forever. Talk about making my heart melt!

I'm starting to see the influence of friends and school more and more. I hate that so much effort must be put into undoing what he learns there, rather than simply teaching at home. We do our best to instil the positive qualities we hope he will foster, but it's mostly bad behaviours he picks up from school. Luckily I find he is still a little naive and innocent, which means he doesn't push back when we gently correct him.

He is still head over heels for Lego. I imagine this is a phase that lasts a long time for boys, since it's not a toy you really grow out of. Today he brought me a Lego present - a Christmas ornament for my little Christmas tree, wrapped up in a lego box with a lego bow on top.

I can see that each year of growth brings at least two in maturity, and he's starting to have some trouble with Caleb. Caleb is so full of life and exuberance and doesn't understand Colin's need to privacy and time alone. But Colin is starting to understand his introverted ways, and we're helping him to identify when he needs time alone and how to excuse himself from the bustle.

We love our big little boy so much, and what a strong example he is now, and will be as he grows, for his younger brothers.

Out my window

2011-12-01T13:01:00.003-05:00

This is the view out my bedroom window, by my head. I just love the scene that sets itself. Something about the towering maple trees, and unique design of the snug little homes, and fresh blanket of snow and the clear blue sky makes my heart soar. It is just so picturesque. This is why I love my neighbourhood. While in new subdivisions I know you get more house for your money, and everything in brand new, I love the charm of an old neighbourhood.

This snow dusting makes me yearn for a walk out in the crisp winter air. Once January comes the temperature will dip below my body's tolerance level, forcing me inside for a season of hibernation. But these first few days of winter are always so beautiful, with a little bit of snow but enough warmth in the air to enjoy it outside.

The 5 best toys of all time

2011-11-30T21:37:00.005-05:00

(I found this article on the internet. I've included a condensed version here.)

I’ve worked really hard to narrow down this list to five items that no kid should be without. All five should fit easily within any budget, and are appropriate for a wide age range so you get the most play out of each one. These are time-tested and kid-approved! And as a bonus, these five can be combined for extra-super-happy-fun-time.

1. Stick

This versatile toy is a real classic — chances are your great-great-grandparents played with one, and your kids have probably discovered it for themselves as well. It’s a required ingredient for Stickball, of course, but it’s so much more. Stick works really well as a poker, digger and reach-extender. It can also be combined with many other toys (both from this list and otherwise) to perform even more functions.

Stick comes in an almost bewildering variety of sizes and shapes, but you can amass a whole collection without too much of an investment. You may want to avoid the smallest sizes — I’ve found that they break easily and are impossible to repair. Talk about planned obsolescence. But at least the classic wooden version is biodegradable so you don’t have to feel so bad about pitching them into your yard waste or just using them for kindling. Larger, multi-tipped Sticks are particularly useful as snowman arms. (Note: requires Snow, which is not included and may not be available in Florida.)

2. Box

Another toy that is quite versatile, Box also comes in a variety of shapes and sizes. Need proof? Depending on the number and size you have, Boxes can be turned into furniture or a kitchen playset. You can turn your kids into cardboard robots or create elaborate Star Wars costumes. A large Box can be used as a fort or house and the smaller Box can be used to hide away a special treasure. Got a Stick? Use it as an oar and Box becomes a boat. One particularly famous kid has used the Box as a key component of a time machine, a duplicator and a transmogrifier, among other things.

3. String

The most obvious use of String is tying things together, which my kids love to do. You can use it to hang things from doorknobs or tie little siblings to chairs or make leashes for your stuffed animals. Use String with two Cans for a telephone (and teach your kids about sound waves), or with Stick to make a fishing pole. You’ll need String for certain games like Cat’s Cradle. String is a huge part of what makes some toys so fun — try using a yo-yo or a kite without String and you’ll see what I mean. Try the heavy-duty version of String (commonly branded Rope) for skipping, climbing, swinging from trees or just for dragging things around.

4. Cardboard Tube

My kids have nicknamed the Cardboard Tube the “Spyer” for its most common use in our house, as a telescope. (Or tape two of them together for use as binoculars.) But if you happen to be lucky enough to get a large size, the best use is probably whacking things. Granted, Stick is also great for whacking, but the nice thing about Cardboard Tube is that it generally won’t do any permanent damage. It’s sort of a Nerf Stick, if you will. If that sounds up your alley, look up the Cardboard Tube Fighting League — currently there are only official events in Seattle, San Francisco and Sydney, but you could probably get something started up in your own neighborhood if you wanted. Or if you’re more of a loner, perhaps the way of the Cardboard Tube Samurai is a better path.

5. Dirt

When I was a kid one of my favorite things to play with was Dirt. At some point I picked up an interest in cleanliness and I have to admit that I’m personally not such a fan of Dirt anymore — many parents (particularly indoor people like me) aren’t so fond if it either. But you can’t argue with success. Dirt has been around longer than any of the other toys on this list, and shows no signs of going away. There’s just no getting rid of it, so you might as well learn to live with it.

First off, playing with Dirt is actually good for you. It’s even sort of edible (in the way that Play-doh and crayons are edible). But some studies have shown that kids who play with Dirt have stronger immune systems than those who don’t. So even if it means doing some more laundry (Dirt is notorious for the stains it causes) it might be worth getting your kids some Dirt.

So what can you do with Dirt? Well, it’s great for digging and piling and making piles. We’ve got a number of outdoor toys in our backyard, but my kids spend most of their time outside just playing with Dirt. Use it with Stick as a large-format ephemeral art form. (Didn’t I tell you how versatile Stick was?) Dirt makes a great play surface for toy trucks and cars. Need something a little gloopier? Just add water and — presto! — you’ve got Mud!

Dirt is definitely an outdoor toy, despite your kids’ frequent attempts to bring it indoors. If they insist, you’ll probably want to get the optional accessories Broom and Dustpan. But as long as it’s kept in its proper place, Dirt can be loads of fun.

Hello?

2011-11-28T11:50:00.002-05:00

Today we kept Caleb home from school for a mid-day dentist appointment. With all the craziness of scheduling right now, I figured it would just be easier rather than trying to arrange a pickup and drop off at school.

Only thing is, I forgot to call the school to let them know Caleb wouldn't be there. No problem, because there are so few kids at the school (less than 100) the secretary just calls home to find out what is going on. Today Caleb picked up the phone. Here's how the conversation went:

Caleb: Hello?

Secretary: Hello.

Caleb: It's Caleb.

Secretary: Oh, hi, Caleb. You're not at school today?

Caleb: No, I'm going to the dentist.

Secretary: Are you there with your mom?

Caleb: No, with my grandma.

At that point, Caleb got my mother-in-law and handed over the phone, for story verification. I laughed at the idea of the secretary calling and getting the kid himself, who then proceeds to excuse himself from school.

Doomed with early risers

2011-11-27T14:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what kind of cosmic joke this is, but don't I deserve just one child who will sleep in past 6am?

When Caleb turned 4 we bought him a digital clock. There is only one outlet in his room in the most inconvenient spot, which means the clock needs to sit on the second shelf of the change table. Nevertheless, we should him which set of red lines forms the "first number" and told him he was not to get out of bed unless that said 6. We didn't have to worry about it being a 7 - he's never slept that late in his life.

We thought we finally had the early morning thing licked. (No, 6am is not early in this house!) Three days later, Benjamin started waking up at 5am. Now we find ourselves in the exact same spot we were two years ago, long before Caleb could read numbers and understand the instruction to stay in bed.

Seriously. Is it too much to ask for a 7am wake-up?

Tie a string around my finger

2011-11-26T09:36:00.002-05:00

This is taken from excerpts from one of the chapters in the book ("A Mother's Book of Secrets").

"As a young mother, Chieko N. Okazaki inspired me. I read notes from an address she had given in a book called “Lighten Up!” that really changed me.She talked about how as mothers we tend to "compartmentalize" our lives. We have different cubbyholes for different things…”family,” “church,” “gardening,” and so on. She said instead of thinking of our spiritual lives as one of our cubbies, it should be more like the scent in the air that drifts through all the rooms.

She relates this story:

"Suppose the Savior comes to visit you. You've rushed around and vacuumed the guest room, put the best sheets on the bed, even got some tulips in a vase on the dresser. Jesus looks around the room, then says, 'Oh, thank you for inviting me into your home. Please tell me about your life.'"You say, 'I will in just a minute, but something's boiling over on the stove, and I need to let the cat out.'

"Jesus says, 'I know a lot about cats and stoves. I'll come with you.'

"'Oh, no,' you say. 'I couldn't let you do that.' And you rush out, carefully closing the door behind you.

"And while you're turning down the stove, the phone rings, and then Jason comes in with a scrape on his elbow, and the visiting teacher supervisor calls for your report, and then it's suppertime, and you couldn’t possibly have Jesus see that you don't even have place-mats, for Pete's sake, and someone forgot to turn on the dishwasher so that you're eating off paper plates, and then you have to drive Lynne to her basketball game.

"So by the time you get back to the room where Jesus is still patiently waiting for you, you're so tired that you can barely keep your eyes open -- let alone sit worship-fully at Jesus' feet to wait for those words of profound wisdom and spiritual power to wash over you, to make you different, to make everything else different -- and you fall asleep whispering, 'I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. I'm so sorry.'"

Isn’t this how we are as mothers? When we really need the Savior’s guidance the most sometimes we tend to shut it out. The secret is to use prayer to our advantage. Let the Savior “follow” us around, and help us out when we’re at the end of our ropes. That is when prayer really works. If only I could remember that more!"

I want this

2011-11-25T08:14:00.004-05:00

Correction. My brain wants this. My pregnant body is craving...nothing. That's right. Nothing. And that doesn't mean "nothing specific." I actually feel best when I eat nothing at all. Somehow I don't think that plan is going to work. But the last two days I've cut out all snacking and little meals, which is how everyone says you should eat while you are pregnant. Instead, I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner and nothing else. My digestive system takes a couple hours to get it all through, and then all the pain starts to ease and I actually feel not too bad. I think that's why I feel best in the mornings. Eating nothing and lying perfectly still is the answer (hence why nighttime is so good.)

I wonder what my doctor would say if I told her I was just going to fast for the next two months. Unfortunately I don't think she would approve if I melted down to the weight of a 10-year-old.

But even if I do realize I need to eat, somehow a big juicy loaded burger and a basket of fries still will not be on my menu. But you can be sure, Kelsey's, that you and I have a date come June!

Things to do in bed...

2011-11-24T19:57:00.003-05:00

...when you are very sick with pregnancy.

Not much. The nurse nearly keeled over when she realized there was no TV in our bedroom. I told her that in fact, we do have one, but my husband had borrowed it for a trade show that day. But then I had to explain that although there is a TV that sits on the badly built shelf by our home's previous owner, it actually isn't connected to anything to watch. When the analog TV signal went dark in August, we didn't bother doing anything about it.

So no TV. But I am reading a lot. I bought this really, really long series I saw advertised on Amazon.ca for the Kindle. It's fantasy, which I usually hate, but it's really more of a made up historical novel (which I love) than fantasy. In other words, it is not "Lord of the Rings" (which I hate.)

I also have a laptop. On the laptop I have watched the entire series of "Flashpoint," which is awesome. I also love that it is set in our home city of T.O. It's cool to hear streets and neighbourhoods I know referenced on the show. It's also hilarious, because for some reason they never actually get the geography right. Like "we're heading west toward Lake Shore." Um, Lake Shore runs east and west, so you can't drive west toward it. Also, when driving on the 401, you cannot choose between Highway 10 and Highway 532. There is no such thing as Hwy 532. And don't tell me you're driving at the north end of the 427, surrounded by fields, and show the GPS signal smack downtown on the Gardiner.

Also on the laptop, I keep up with Facebook WAY more than I ever have. I know what everyone is doing. And I know what all their friends think of what they are doing. And I actually update my status and write about other people's statuses. I've never used Facebook as more than a glorified email system before this. It makes me feel like I still have a life.

I check in with the news (The Toronto Star - thank mom. Years of delivery to our home as a kid means that I'm stuck with it now!).

I write on my blog, and I check in on other people's blogs. Today was a blog day. When no one I knew was writing, I decided to click through their list of blogs they follow. In other words, friends of friends of friends, who are perfect strangers to me. But I found some REALLY cool stuff.

C Jane, Enjoy It is one some of my friends follow, but I've never really caught onto. Until today. When I find a new blog, I like to go into the archives back to their very first entries. Then I read chronologically, and it's sort of like getting to know a person from the beginning. C Jane's blog is kind of like that album that everyone loves, and you hear it and think "whatever." Then you hear a song on the radio, then a friend has the album, then someone loans you the CD, and after a while, you are so in love with it you wonder how you didn't see the brilliancy of it from the beginning. I like C Jane's style, humour, and candour.

I also found an awesome album by a group called The Lower Lights. If you have a spare 5 minutes, and are a musician or lover of music, watch this video. The Lower Lights is basically a group of musicians who get together to jam in a recording studio. They don't play together in a band, they hadn't ever played together before. There is no plan, other than having a bunch of creative musicians gather together and sing their hearts out. It looks AWESOME! I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a part of that process. I wish I could be a part of it.

In terms of their first album, one member said "There's a gap out there for people who want to hear music, and hear these sacred and beautiful hymns...and they want to hear them in a way that they haven't been able to." In fact, this album sort of feeds my secret love of folk music. I myself have been rediscovering (and loving) old hymns on my guitar, in a folk kind of way. Seriously it's like hearing these hymns in a whole new light.

So that's basically what I do in bed all day, hooked up to an IV machine. So far I've managed to keep myself entertained. But I hope this doesn't last for too much longer, because I am so not a sit around kind of person!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2011-11-24T07:19:00.002-05:00

...in my bedroom! Last night James surprised me by decorating my bedroom for Christmas. He hung lighted garlands around the room, and even bought a little Christmas tree to go on our bedside table. He knows how much I love Christmas, and odds are I won't get out of the bedroom until the New Year. Reason #678429534578930721 I love my husband!

Ups and downs in a day

2011-11-22T09:34:00.000-05:00

There can be so many ups and downs in one day, it's hard to believe it really is just one 24 hour period, one waking time-stretch between sleeps. There is the physical pain and discomfort of the pregnancy. There is the sorrow at not being able to be part of family moments. There is shame at lying here helpless in bed while others struggle to do the mothering job that is supposed to be mine. There is a resigned feeling that I must let others help. There is grief at the way I have interrupted other people's lives who must help. There is regret that I have thrown out of balance my perfectly happy family.

I wonder at why I am doing this, when things were wonderful. I had three beautiful, healthy boys and good health and balance in our lives and a routine that was really working. Why did I feel the need to disrupt it all? I feel like I'm gambling with life. What if I don't regain my health? What if there is something wrong with this baby? What if life changes because of this decision, and it's never the same again?

And then, once every couple of days, I hear a newborn cry or see a newborn picture and I remember what it is like to hold that precious new life, only hours old, and what it is to nurse them in my arms, and cuddle up to their small bodies in bed. These thoughts are short and fleeting, but I reach out and try to grasp at them with shaky fingers. Honestly, these moments probably come too rarely for what I really need, but I'm trying my best to remember them. And I pray, so hard, for deliverance from this stage of the pregnancy, I beg the hours to go faster, the sun to set faster, the weeks to slip by faster. I pray I will regain something of my normalcy within the next two months, and that it won't be like this for the next seven.

I feel confined, hooked up to a machine 7 hours a day now that keeps me upstairs, between my bedroom and the bathroom, unable to stray more than 36 inches from it. As I write I wonder if down the road I'll question why I didn't try to keep all these ramblings positive, leave out the trials and pain and heartache. But I guess more than anything I want this to be a true portrait of who I am and what my days really are. Because I called this journal "our daily treasures" and it is only through pain and suffering and sadness that true joy and happiness can really be recognized. These are the days that make up who I am and while the process of bringing a baby to life may not be easy for me, they are still treasured, in their own way.

Blue Sky Days

2011-11-21T09:01:00.002-05:00

I just love blue sky days. Any day of the year, no matter the season or temperature, when the sky shines a brilliant blue, just makes me smile and my heart sing. This morning is one such morning. And even lying in bed, hooked up to my IV machine, it makes me smile. In fact, it makes this whole confined to bed thing not only tolerable, but even enjoyable. Just to take a few moments and stare out my window at the baby blue colour, dotted with puffy white wisps of clouds. Just to slow down and enjoy a moment of the beauty of this wonderous creation.

Benjaminuggets

2011-11-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

The other day I heard Benjamin dodge the adults downstairs and tear his way up the stairs. "Mama! Mama!" he called out as others instructed him to stop and come back. I heard every thump up the stairs and then his feet carrying him as fast as he could down the hall. He threw open my door, busting into the room and ran all the way around my bed to my side. With all his strength he pulled himself up onto the bed and threw himself across my chest. As I cradled him in my arms, he lifted his head, looked into my eyes and said "I love you." That was first time those words came from him unprompted and in such a clear voice.

***

When Benjamin is hungry, that's exactly what he tells you: "I'm hungry." It sort of comes out "hohn-gry" in a very slow and deliberate manner. Those letters, n, g, r, are tough for one his age to pronounce, and yet he very early on understood that was the quickest way to convey what he was feeling. I think it's so funny that he didn't try the toddler's usual choice of words, like "food" or "dinner" or asking for a specific food. Instead, he got straight to the point.

While lying in bed

2011-11-19T09:14:00.002-05:00

People have been asking me what I do all day, lying in bed. At my worst, I do nothing. When I'm in too much pain, it takes too much to read or even watch TV. All I need is to lie quietly with no sounds or noises around me. When I was pregnant with Caleb, I literally just looked out the window every day for about 3 weeks. I remember this, because it was spring and I watched the bare branches out my window grow tiny little buds and then blossom and grow into leaves. Real exciting, isn't it?

But I'm still early on in the pregnancy right now. The worst doesn't usually come until about 9-12 weeks, so I've still got another week before I descend into "bud watching" mode. Mostly I pass the time reading, watching TV episodes on DVD, or surfing on the web. Dehydration and nausea makes it difficult to concentrate on anything for too long, so I mix it up a lot, punctuating each activity with a rest, just lying still. If I sit up for too long my stomach muscles start to protest and the nausea gets really bad.

But today I realized there is something I else I can, for short amounts of time...learn to play my new violin! This is something I've wanted to do for many years, and after trading a clarinet for a violin with a friend a couple weeks ago, I can now start to realize this dream. So this morning I found a couple of online lessons on beginner's violin and gave it a go. Turns out I'm actually picking the basics up pretty quickly. After a few instructions, I started to just experiment on my own. Knowing the guitar helped a bit, but mostly I'm just trying to play different hymns (which are pretty easy and slow) and getting the feel for the fingering and the bow.

Granted, it doesn't sound fantastic yet, but the tunes are actually recognizable, and not scratchy and screechy at all! I definitely overdid it this morning, though. Even though I was lying in bed while playing, it still took a lot of inner muscles and my whole inner core is rumbly, and I'll probably throw up. Lesson learned. But I'm excited to give it a few minutes every day, and actually try and do something productive while lying in bed here!

It's takes a village to...grow a baby

2011-11-18T16:28:00.000-05:00

Today I am full of gratitude as I ponder on how many loved ones I have in my life. In this age of "following" online, it's easy to have 600 friends on Facebook, but how many of them could you truly count on when you needed it most?

Early pregnancy is by far the most vulnerable time of my life. I am literally laid up in bed for at least two months. And with other little children, it means that I can't do this by myself. And now that I am hooked up to a non-movable IV pole 4 hours a day, it really limits what I can do.

First of all, there is James. People often ask me why on earth I have decided to do this four times. Honestly, I look at James and wonder why on earth he agreed to this four times. Because he knows it means he will have to do so much more. And he's already swamped with his company and his church assignments, I am baffled that he finds more hours in the day (and jealous he won't share his secret!) But steps up every time and just astonishes me. He does the laundry and cooks the meals and makes the lunches and does homework with the boys and plays with them and bathes them and gets them to bed and does the grocery shopping and throws parties and hosts dinners and looks after me, and...and...and... He also gets some big projects done, like scrubbing the kitchen floor on his hands and knees (took three nights), scrubbing down the fridge, hanging the Christmas lights, raking the billion leaves. And I've never once heard a single complaint escape his lips. (Which is more than I can say for me, when I'm feeling bogged down with running a home, never mind that I don't have a company to run at the same time)! Seriously, I have the best husband ever.

Secondly, family. James' parents are in town and help out in so many ways. James' dad takes on extra work so that James can be home when he needs to be, for the boys. And James' mom - that woman is inspiring. She never stops; she is a machine. She is so willing to help out when James is in the city on work. I can't get the boys to the bus or pick them up, or drop off and pick up Benjamin at daycare, so she steps in. She often drops in to help out with dinner or bedtime or to watch Benjamin during swim lessons. And she never comes by without quietly helping out with the housework, the dishes, the laundry. Hard as I try when I'm well, I can never get my place to look like it does when she's here. But every time she leaves I'm inspired to try a little harder.

Under family will also come my parents. Although they are in Australia right now, when my mom's school term finishes they'll be on a plane the next day on their way over. While my mom stays with my sister and her newborn baby, my dad will drive here every day to watch Benjamin and help with the boys. In fact, my mom has said numerous times she wishes she could be here already. But it's less than a month now until they are here.

Speaking of my sister, she is definitely included in this village. She is 8 1/2 months pregnant and still willing to come and help out in a jam. The other day James couldn't be home for bus pick up, so she swung by after her doctor's appointment. She picked up the boys from the bus, then made cookies with them, then served up dinner, then watched Benjamin while James took the boys to swimming, then did the dishes (dishwasher broke at the WORST possible time!). Did I mention she's 8 1/2 months pregnant? She's a super-star!

Also under family comes James' brothers. They all work together, and even though we're coming into the slower months, they are still having to pick up some extra slack for James. I know James feels bad that he can't take shifts from them so they can have some more days off, but I hope they all know how much we appreciate their sacrifice right now. This one is particularly hard for me, because I know how unpleasant it must be for them, and it makes me so uncomfortable that James can't be the superstar for them he wants to be. What gets me through is knowing that the plus of a family business is that we are there for each other, no matter what, and one day we'll be able to return this favour in kind.

Then we have some amazing friends in town here. One of my best friends is taking Benjamin every morning so that I can rest and James' mom can answer the phones for the business. Another best friend offered to come once a week and fold laundry. Countless friends are dropping off meals, more have offered to drop some as the days go by. Other friends have offered to take one of the boys for a play date here and there, which will help with a degree of normalcy in the boys' days.

Really, I can't express my gratitude for the very large and loving village who are helping me to grow this baby. I literally couldn't do it without them.

Beautiful White

2011-11-17T14:26:00.003-05:00

The snow started lightly falling this afternoon outside my window. Then it blew more furiously, before tapering off to a soft dance. A gentle reminder that winter it coming.

It was beautiful.

I miss food

2011-11-17T08:24:00.004-05:00

There are many times when I think of food and get nauseous (fairly typical for early pregnancy.) But more often than not, I really, really, really miss food. And because I can hardly eat, I'm starving all the time. There are so many things I wish I could eat. Not in a pregnancy craving kind of way, just in an "I love food" kind of way. I miss cooking and baking. I am sad as we head into the holidays and I won't be able to cook up big holiday dinners and sweet Christmas baking. I've seen at least ten new recipes I wish I could try out. I browse through Better Homes and Gardens website and see all their food ideas and dream. I don't miss fast food at all. Not that we eat it tons, but even the thought of a hamburger and fries makes me wrinkle my nose. I miss real food.

Right now I'm surviving on toast with peanut butter, ravioli, and scrambled eggs. My body is starting to reject me for lack of fruit and vegetables, which are too acidic for my poor tummy. And funny enough, I can hardly drink anything. A little milk here and there, but everything else makes my stomach churn. Absolutely no water (too hard on the stomach), a little Gatorade when I can manage a sip, but that and juice I find so sickly sweet.

My nose is also on overdrive. The other day James did my laundry in fabric softener (which I actually never use; I guess there is an old bottle down there from something) and although I tried my best, I couldn't put them on at all. And poor Benjamin makes me queazy every time he comes over for a cuddle, because he always smells like syrup (it gets permanently stuck in his hair!) or whatever else he ate that day. He has this terrible habit of rubbing his hands through his hair while he's eating, which leaves him smelling of food all the time.

Anyway, I'm storing away a bunch of food ideas for when I come out of this stage of pregnancy...oh the New Year will be so much fun in my kitchen!

Chicken Feta Wrap

Italian Cream Cheese Chicken

Tri-Level Brownies

Lemon Pecan Shortbread

Roasted Vegetables and Chickpeas

Creamy Green Beans with Crispy Shallots

Cinnamon Sugar Pull-Apart Bread

Simple Stromboli

Chicken Enchilada Pasta

Chicken Alfredo and Rice Casserole

A temporary solution

2011-11-16T17:51:00.002-05:00

As I descended into the depths of pain again this morning, I broke down and called the doctor right away, instead of waiting for things to get worse (as I always do.) I quickly got in to see her, and before I knew it I was at the hospital for the 3rd time in a week getting another IV treatment, and things were set up for me to receive the treatment daily at home. The treatment takes 4 hours, and the additional medication I need is $27 a dose (only 1 dose a day, hopefully), at least I might be able to get through the next 4 weeks not writhing in pain and confined to bed. After each treatment I've had so far, while I couldn't be up and about a lot, I was at least comfortable in a tolerable state of health.

I also learned that my family doctor, before she opened her practice, used to work as a high-risk obstetrician in downtown Toronto, so she has lots of experience with my kind of case (and worse) I can't tell you how reassuring that was to find out, because I know she really gets how bad this really is, and she's taking all sorts of positive action. I'm not one to abuse the amazing health care system we have in Canada, but I do know that we pay a lot to have it, and I'm so grateful to be able to use what is available to me in such a way.

Buoyed by the strength

2011-11-15T07:44:00.002-05:00

If you have a chance, watch this video of Stephanie Nielson. She is a young mother who, with her husband, survived a plane crash that burned 80% of her body. She was in a coma for three months before she woke. But she is alive today, to be a mother to her four children (and one on the way).

As I watched her inspiring story, I realized that she wakes every morning with a lot of pain. She endures each day with a lot of pain. And there is no end date for her. She will continue to endure this pain for the rest of her life on earth.

And I realized that my pain, although a heavy challenge for me now, does have an end date. The worst of it will only last another two months, hopefully. And even if I don't improve, this baby will arrive in 7 months and it will all be over. I know that after I deliver this new little one, all the pain I'm experiencing will disappear in an instant.

At the end of Stephanie's video, there is this quote from Elder Russell M. Ballard:

When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple. Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble.

There is a different way of looking at life. We have a choice in how we face our times of trouble. While I may not be able to look at these days just yet in such a positive, or at least spiritual, way, I feel like I have been challenged to do so. There will still be moments where I feel defeated, days when I break down in tears, but I am growing a life inside of me, and that is beautiful.

In all the giving

2011-11-14T07:46:00.000-05:00

As a mom, there is so much I want to give to my kids. I want to give them all the things they need to flourish, including my time and attention and love. But there is one thing I have also come to see is very important for them to do well: time alone.

Somewhere, in something I read, it talked about how kids need time alone to really figure themselves out. In time spent by themselves, they learn who they are, what they like, and carve out their own path. If you never give kids this time, then all you see is a reflection of what you are pushing on them. Remember, this is always with the best intention. We want to expose our kids to what we think is best. The trouble is, sometimes we fill their days with so much of what we think they want, that they don't have time to discover something themselves.

I saw this a lot with Colin over the past two years. As he outgrew daily naps, I still desperately needed the shut eye (my babies take forever to sleep through the night!) And being that Colin is quite responsible for his age, I told him that he didn't have to nap in his room if he played quietly on his own downstairs and let me sleep.

And he did, quite contentedly, for about two hours each day. At first I noticed that he spent most of his time playing with his toys in the playroom, which is how he always spent most of his playtime. But after a week or so, he had gathered together some art supplies and started creating. He would rarely just draw; usually his art time involved lots of folding and cutting and gluing. He was often recreating something from memory or from a game. And he could literally sit there for those two solid hours and work away at it.

I've mentioned before how art time is something I rarely do with the boys, because it was never my thing. But I'm so glad Colin discovered a love for it. But more than that, I've noticed that this time alone has really caused Colin to grow. He is much more capable at thinking laterally now. He doesn't only see the options I present, but looks for other ideas, different ways to go about things. That time alone really encouraged him to develop that unique thought process in him, and to be comfortable and confident in it.

Now Caleb is starting to enter this stage. 99% of the time he still takes his nap, but once in a while he's crept out early and stated that he isn't tired. So off he takes himself downstairs to amuse himself. He hasn't really found his niche yet, I think. So far he has gotten into the art supplies, but more in imitation of Colin. But he has come leaps and bounds in Lego building, as he starts to make much more intricate designs, with movable parts and stories behind the creations.

We are often so eager (desperate?) to fill every moment of our kids' time with activities. It's been nice to observe the positive aspects of just letting them be for a bit, to see where they go (grow).

Arranged

2011-11-13T10:02:00.002-05:00

I saw a beautiful film on Netflix today: Arranged. It is a small independent film about an orthodox Jewish woman and her Muslim friend, and how these two young women approach the idea of arranged marriage within their religion. (I highly recommend it. For you gals.)

What I loved most was that this wasn't a "Grease" type makeover movie. This film was not about how these girls need to get into the 21st century, that their religions are archaic, oppressive, and should be abandoned. It simply and honestly dealt with how one might feel in modern day New York about embracing such ideas.

My favourite line was this: "Why do you equate tradition with nonsense?" (one lead actor to her well-meaning boss, an older feminist trying to help her young employees see that life has more to offer than "a young marriage and a house full of children.") I am quite intrigued by all the different orthodox religions and traditions that exist in our world. I see something very beautiful in such strong faith.

I've often thought about the existence of so many deeply entrenched religions in the world. I know each religion must take the stance that theirs alone is the right one; that is an intrinsic part of religion. But each faith has very well-thought out doctrines and long-standing traditions, it makes each one so unique. From a scholarly stand-point, it makes me wonder if belief in religion is actually the fifth "necessity of life" (Thoreau) along with food, shelter, clothing and fuel.

It would be interesting to discover that if there is no Intelligent Design or Supreme Being, that in fact we are nothing more than an evolutionary accident, we would still need to believe in something of a higher power to have a happy existence. There are several things that humanity has come to accept as an identifier of our species, things that we have decided make a person's life better. We have formed family units that generally stay together for life (something unique in the animal kingdom). We have also decided that society works best when we each take on a specialty and help each other, rather than trying to be a jack-of-all-trades. So I wonder if the case could be made the one is happier, calmer, more settled, "better off" in fact, if one has a deeply seeded religious belief of some sort. Perhaps that is why there exists so many strong world religions; each culture on its own (long before the world become so connected) knew that man had a basic spiritual need that had to be met in the same way our physical needs for food, shelter, clothing and fuel needed to be met.

At any rate, I loved this film and it's strong position that tradition is not antiquated in today's society, and that these women are not somehow less woman for embracing these ideas. Definitely worth a look when you get the chance.

All emotional and such

2011-11-12T07:00:00.001-05:00

I know I'm all emotional and such with pregnancy, but this is really hard. Really, really hard. I mean, James and I really feel strongly about this little baby, but somehow I hoped that maybe this time I would react differently. I have a friend who had three terrible pregnancies with her boys, and then a dream of a time while pregnant with her little girl. It's not that I'm wishing for a girl, I just wanted a little break.

But, true to history, this one is even worse than the last. Each one got progressively worse. This time I can't stop throwing up. I'm so hungry my stomach constantly growls. This time my entire digestive system is in so much pain I dissolve in tears. As I crawled on the kitchen floor the other day trying to get ready for lunch, tears poured down my face and Benjamin just looked at me with those sad, compassionate eyes and I could tell he didn't understand why his mommy was crying. I don't know if he's ever seen me cry. He was so confused, and he started to whimper and cry a little, and it broke my heart, and all I could do was lie on the floor with him.

Now we don't even know if the pregnancy is viable. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat at the ultrasound. Granted, at 6 weeks 4 days she said it's possibly too early, but maybe not. I have to wait another 5 weeks before she's going to do another one. And I don't know if I can wait that long, endure this pain for that long, if there's not even a baby there.

And the hard part is knowing that supposedly, this is the "easy" part of the illness; generally it is the worst between 8 and 12 weeks. I don't even know if my poor body or my mind can hold on that long.

Calebite

2011-11-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

The other day Caleb brought in a small travel alarm clock. He fiddled with the buttons briefly, then placed the clock upon my dresser. Turning to me, he very seriously said "Remember. When this gets to 0:00 and beeps, then you will not throw up or be sick anymore." He melts my heart with his compassion daily.

***

Yesterday Caleb stayed home from school (too much birthday excitement and junk food the day before). He crawled into bed with me and said "I know that when mommies are having babies, they have to stay in bed all day, so I will be here to help. I know when I grow up and marry my own mommy (wife!) and she has a baby, she will have to stay in bed all day, and I will help her by doing all the work in the house. I will clean the kitchen and do the dishes and fold the laundry and clean the playroom, but I can't do the cat poop by myself. I need two hands to hold the bag, and then I don't have any hands to scoop with. But you know what mom? I will stay home from school today and help you by doing all the cleaning in the whole house."

The End of America

2011-11-10T16:26:00.000-05:00

I saw an interesting documentary this morning on Netflix called "The End of America." The film is based on Naomi Wolf's book of the same name, in which she details 10 steps of the blueprint to close down an open society. She studied previous historical instances of this happening (think Nazi Germany, Russia, and Chile) and then was shocked to find the same things happening in her home country of the United States. I recommend giving it a look - it's good food for thought.

The step that was the greatest concern for me was the idea of a "list" - a watch list that designates our own citizens as potential threats. There are many celebrities and well known names on this list - people who have expressed opinions contrary to the current government. The point about free speech was then raised: when does dissent become terrorism? Shouldn't we have the right to criticize leaders if we disagree with their policies? Obviously there is a need to protect our citizens, but where is the line between healthy debate, expressing our opinions, and when it turns to a terror threat?

The scary thing about having a list is that that is exactly how previous regimes in history managed their quick collection of "threatening citizens" who were then jailed and killed. Such a round up has to be swift to be effective, which means the information must already be compiled somewhere. Like on a watch list. I really don't like the sound of that. There are more than 1,000,000 names on the US watch list. In fact, my dad was on one such list. It meant that every time he tried to fly, he was taken aside and questioned. Which is ridiculous, because he worked for an airline. He flied all the time - it was part of his job. Apparently it was another person of the same name on the list, but it didn't matter. It took forever for him to try and battle the system that was making it so hard for him to do his job.

Journalists, actors, news reporters, novelists, and ordinary people just wanting to take a stand are all on the list. No, I do not like this one bit.

I'm not a conspiracy-theorist. I'm not an anarchist. I'm not anti-government. I want some degree of security and protection. But I also don't want to walk around with my eyes closed, and then, like many Germans claimed, be surprised at the lengths to which our governments go.

Happy 4th Birthday Caleb

2011-11-09T16:05:00.003-05:00

Today Caleb is four years old. It seems like it's only been in the past few weeks that all of a sudden he grew into this new age. He and grown older and wiser in such a short time, and all of a sudden he is losing that little boy-ness about him.

He is the most compassionate soul. He is drawn to suffering and tears, with a yearning to ease the pain. He expresses that compassion physically, always wanting to kiss and hug and cuddle.

He has a joyous light about him that draws other to him. People can't help but fall in love with his twinkling blue eyes and brilliant smile. He is mischievous, but gets away with lots because of that infectious grin of his.

He makes friends easily. Starting school was not a problem in the least. He is happy as a clam with whoever is around, children of any age. He especially likes to play with the older kids, as he loves imaginative play that some kids his age aren't into yet. I would think he doesn't even see age when he looks at others, he simply sees a world full of new friends.

He cares deeply for Benjamin, and takes his role as big brother seriously. He is protective when danger lurks, and caring when sadness comes. In fact, Benjamin seems to be very much like Caleb, and I can see that this will both draw them very close and cause some friction as they grow older.

Caleb is an early riser but a good napper. He knows when he is tired and loves to sleep.

He has the funniest and sometimes quite illogical sense of logic. But you can see those wheels turning in his head. He understands critical thinking, even if he doesn't quite have the experience to make logical conclusions yet. Behind his jovial and carefree nature, there is a good little thinker there.

Boy, do we love our Caleb. Four wonderful years with him so far have been the light of my life. I love you, sweetheart!

The news is out

2011-11-09T15:54:00.003-05:00

We wanted to wait until Christmas, but no such luck. We are expecting little baby #4! I'm only 7 weeks along (we think - dating ultra-sound to happen tomorrow) but already terribly sick. 4 people even asked me if I was pregnant before I said anything. The downside to getting so sick is that you can't hide it. People know that if you've got the flu, then you stay home. If you're pregnant, you still go out, even looking like death warmed over. Luckily this is my second pregnancy with my family doctor, and she has decided to be proactive about treating me. I have my first hospital visit tomorrow for IV fluids and medication, with the hope that it will keep me going during this first difficult four months.

I have a good friend who had terrible pregnancies with each of her three boys, but an easy one with her girl. I hoped maybe for the same; I guess either my body just doesn't handle pregnancy at all, or I'm having another boy. And for the record - we aren't going to find out what we're having. James prefers the surprise, and since I got to find out for #2 and #3, this one is his. I think it might kill me, but that's the way it goes.

Baby will likely come in mid-June, which is completely different for us, with only November/December babies. I think I'm going to like it, though. I'll be feeling well in time for the nice summer weather, and will have the opportunity to get out and about right away, instead of whiling away the winter indoors. I am super-bummed about missing the holidays this year, including all birthdays of my wonderful little boys. I'm hoping to be on the upswing come January.

But I am beyond grateful for dear friends who are offering more help than I can imagine. My illness came on so quickly this time we were unable to find someone to help in the home, and so Benjamin is at a good friend's for daycare for the mornings, then will come home for afternoon nap. The upside to James' business being in the family is that everyone will pull together for us, and do what they can so that James can work from home as much as possible, which will be crucial at least until the first week of December, when my parents arrive from Australia and will be able to help out more.

So here we go again. I can hardly believe it. My poor body is rebelling, but I just pray to get through the next two months and then hopefully there will be a little light.

Changing Education Paradigms

2011-11-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

Youth workshop

2011-11-06T07:11:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I gave my music workshop at a local youth church conference. It was beyond description.

I had to give my 45 minute workshop 6 times between noon and 6pm. I had anywhere from 5 to 35 kids in each group. The point of the workshop was to teach the kids all a song, which they would then "perform" en masse at the end of the day, in sort of a big youth choir of over 150 kids. But because it doesn't take 45 minutes to teach a song, it also meant that I had some time to fill with speaking as well.

My preparation was somewhat different than I usually would do. Most times I write out everything I want to say, and then memorize that script. This time, however, I didn't have the time to do that. So I prepared myself instead. I read about my topic, thought about it, jotted down notes here and there, and saturated myself in the ideas that came to me about this song. Then I just got up there and spoke. Each workshop was slightly different, but each one covered the same points.

In teaching the song, I opted to do a different arrangement of a familiar hymn. This way the kids weren't having to learn new words and music, just how to put it into a new setting. And I also edited together a video about the life of Christ that illustrated the song. So when the kids sang and the video played, it was sort of like a live music video.

I thought the workshops themselves went well. Some went better than others. Some kids really responded, others seemed more stoic or distracted. That doesn't bother me - I know when I'm dealing with teens, there will be some kids you just can't get to. You have to keep in mind with teens that it's about the few you do get to.

But the amazing part of the whole day was the final choir part. Because there were so many kids, they sang from the congregation pews. I stood in front and led them as chorister, just as we had practiced throughout the day. A few of the leaders who hadn't seen my workshop cried as the video and the music combined to make a very powerful effect. But then, when the fourth verse started, a few of the kids toward the back stood up while singing. Then a few more, then a few more, and before long the entire congregation were on their feet, singing "I Know That My Redeemer Lives." That's when I let a few tears go, in front of everyone. The counselor in the Stake Presidency (the area leader for the church) was going through a Kleenex box. Many of the teens in the congregation also started to cry from the spiritual emotion in the air. There was a moment of silence when the song finished, as everyone just let it hang there.

Every once in a while you are part of a moment that will stay with you for a long time. The last time I remember something like this was a presentation I gave on the Holocaust in grade 11, more than 15 years ago. You never forget that feeling at the end. How grateful I am to have been part of something so impacting for so many. And how grateful I am that I didn't get in the way of the Spirit in over preparing or trying to script this workshop. Truly, I was just a vehicle for a message from heaven.

Hallowe'en

2011-11-04T19:11:00.004-04:00

I realize this is almost a week late, but believe it or not, I didn't really get any photos of Hallowe'en myself. (My sister took these.) My boys had 5 different occasions to wear costumes, and picked a few different things

Colin: Skeleton, Simon (Chipmunk), Darth Vader (twice).

Caleb: Mr. Incredible (three times), Alvin (Chipmunk) Fireman,

Benjamin: Pirate, Pumpkin

Colinism

2011-11-03T16:17:00.002-04:00

I hand a Kool-Aid jammer to Colin.

Mom: Now be careful, don't squeeze.

Colin drinks his juice carefully. Then, a few minutes later:

Colin: Mom, I know why if you squeeze a juice box or a jammer, the juice comes out. It's because when you squeeze, you take away the place where the juice was, and it has nowhere to go but to come up the straw and then spill out.

Mom: Yep, it's called "displacement".

Colin: Displacement.

Mom: Yes - it means you are taking away the place where the juice was.

(I love seeing kids process stuff like that on their own!)

Parent teacher interviews

2011-11-02T18:25:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I come across something that is like a huge red flashing light reminder that I am a parent. I know, it shouldn't surprise me any more. But sometimes it's hard to remember that I am the grown up here. Parent teacher interviews are one such event.

First of all, I have to say how much I am loving my boys' school. There are some definite disadvantage to being in such a small school (less than 100 kids, and only 5 classes) but the positives outweigh the negatives every time. One of my favourite things about the school is that everyone knows everyone. All the teachers and administrators know my boys, and can talk easily about them. It is really a small community feel. Last week when I called to set up my interviews, I had Colin's report card in hand and so asked the secretary to slot me in at 7:30 with his teacher. Then, just as I was about to hang up, she interrupted me with "And would you like to see Caleb's teacher also?" I laughed at my forgetfulness, and said, yes please. And I smiled at the fact that even just over the phone the secretary knew me, knew Colin, and knew that Caleb was his brother.

And so last night was the interviews. Both boys' report cards were nothing of a surprise. Both are working at their grade level, completing their work, progressing well. Both need to work a little on improving their French, which is understandable considering we don't speak French generally at home. Really, the interview was just about keeping in touch with the teacher, and about hearing them speak about my kids in specifics.

Colin's interview left me soaring. Colin is a really, really smart kid. He hears, learns, understands and applies things so quickly and knows things way beyond his grade level. But I have been worried that with the newness of the French language, the teacher might not see his potential. I have thought often about pulling him out and putting him in English where he might be able to work at his own level, but I usually come to the conclusion that the English might hold him back even further, if the teacher is not amenable to creating his own curriculum for him.

At any rate, the first comment Colin's teacher had was "Colin is brilliant. No, he's actually brilliant. And I'm not just saying this for you, to puff you or him up." I sighed a huge sigh of relief and then we spoke at length about how the French language can work as a challenge for him. She said that while Colin may be at the low end of the class in terms of French, he is miles ahead of anyone in terms of knowledge and understanding. She said that even with the language barrier, his abilities are obvious.

Caleb's interview was a lot of fun, because Caleb is such a fun personality. His teacher remarked that everyone loves Caleb, and he has friends all throughout the school. He is stubborn, though, and only produces the kind of work he is capable of when he feels like it. We compared notes of what he does at school and what he does at home (in terms of speaking French) and there are so many inconsistencies (things he does at school but won't at home, and vice versa) that we both realized he's capable of much more than either of us thought. But he's the youngest in his class, so both his teacher and I are granting him some leniency right now. His teacher did say that he's very advanced in math, which I didn't realize. As I noted in my previous entry, Colin is also good at math, and both James and I were good at math also, so I guess we shouldn't be completely surprised. Sometimes I think Colin and Caleb are so different that I surprised to find similarities between them!

And so, another school year well on its way. I really like both the boys' teachers this year, and I think they are doing really well. Hopefully things continue on in a like manner!

When they are ready, they will learn

2011-11-01T15:12:00.000-04:00

The concept that kids will learn things readily and easily when they are ready is one that homeschooling is a huge advocate of. Learning to read or to do math have been skills that have frustrated many students in schools. Children painstakingly sound out letters into syllables and words, and have no idea what they have read by the end of the sentence. Other children look at the abstract concept of numbers and don't understand what is actually means.

Kids can be ready to read generally any time between three and nine. That is a huge age difference. Most schools require their students to know how to read by grade one, or six years of age. But many simply aren't there yet. And so what happens is that these kids, being forced to spend hours pouring over words, start to hate reading. And that is the worst of all.

Homeschooling philosophies say that the best thing you can do to promote reading is to foster a love of the act itself by reading to your children. Then one day the child, on his own terms and in his own time, will be curious to know how it is that the letters come together to tell such wonderful tales. This desire will foster the dedication and diligence it takes to learn to read, and in no time at all it will all come together for him.

This philosophy always made sense to me, but I was able to see it in action two weeks ago with Colin. This experience was in relation to math, rather than reading, but equally applies. I was sitting in our church service, Colin seated next to me. He had several toys, books, and a pad of paper and a pen around him. He took pen to paper, scribbling away while I listened to the talks. Then he tugged at my shirt and handed the paper over to me. He had drawn out several simple math equations, and asked me to complete the answers. I was somewhat surprised, as he has not covered equations yet in school or at home. But somewhere he had seen what one looked like, had assimilated the idea of it in his mind, and was now trying to replicate it. (My guess is that the grade twos in his class were doing work like this, and while he was supposed to be at his own grade one work, he was watching with interest the older students. I LOVE split classes so much!)

I quickly completed the equations and passed it back. But he pushed the paper back to me and asked me to write some problems for him to do. I turned my attention to the task at hand, carefully crafting questions that someone who had never done math before might figure out:

He completed the sheet as quickly as he could read off the numbers. Then he asked for another. This time I tried to do the next step up: putting the lower number first (2+8), or adding numbers that equaled more than ten:

This sheet didn't slow him down a bit. So for the next one, I tested him even more:

By the end of this sheet, the service was over, and so ended our math time also. Colin asked if we could do more when we got home. "Math is so fun!" he proclaimed. "I beat every question you gave me!" I thought it was cute that he considered solving a question "beating" it, like in a game. I also thought it was endearing that he loves math, because I always did, too. I secretly used to love soling math homework questions!

Started...

2011-10-28T14:17:00.003-04:00

Christmas shopping has begun. It may seem early to some, but with birthdays starting in November, it's just easier to get it all done now.

My gift philosophy evolves each year. This year we decided to set some money aside in June so that we could buy the boys something for the summer. There's no fun in getting a bike in December when you can't even ride it for another 4 months. For birthdays/Christmas this year, I'm going with the "buy something they are asking for." It may not be educational or useful or even something I think they'll play with for years to come. But it is something they want now, and that is enough.

We have so many toys, and so many relatives who love to give gifts, that there will never be a moment where our boys are lacking. I have adopted the "toy in - toy out" rule to try and keep things under control in our toy room here. I'm a little worried already about this year, since the boys love and play with everything that's already in there. But I figure at least half of it is going to have to go in order to make room for the new things.

Yes, this culture of consumerism worries me, and I hope and pray over the years to come that I'm able to teach the boys that toys and things are not everything, and that being lavished with gifts is a great privilege of the blessed life we lead. But I've given up trying to rein it in, since it's a fruitless expense of my efforts. This year I'm embracing the love our friends and family show through gift-giving (it is one of the 5 love languages, after all) and being grateful for it all.

Getting settled

2011-10-27T06:52:00.000-04:00

I think I'm finally getting settled after Benjamin's birth. It's been 22 months.

In the haze of sleepless nights that lasted these two years, my body compensated by craving junk food. There was chocolate almost daily, lots of pop, desserts more often than not. My body was craving sugar in order to keep me going during the day, and that isn't like me at all. While I love a chocolate bar or root beer or ice cream now and then, I just don't do well with those things as a daily part of my diet. My body usually rebels, feels ill, can't function. I eat fruit all the time, and veggie sandwiches are a staple for lunch. Not so, this past year.

But I've noticed over the last week or so that this finally seems to be abating. There are three tubs of ice cream in the freezer that have been there since before Thanksgiving. James baked three dozen cookies that I didn't eat any of. My secret stash of chocolate bars dwindled to nothing and I never bothered to replace it. A bag of Dorritos is still sitting on the dishwasher after a week. And on my road trip last weekend, I stocked up on treats and only ate one chocolate bar the whole time.

Better than that, I'm back to my toasted veggie sandwiches and fruit smoothies. Okay, I have been stocking up on those little sausage roll appetizers for lunch also, but after this box I'm not feeling like I want to replace it. Yes, I finally feel like my body is getting settled after my last baby. It's about time!

Colinisms

2011-10-26T07:00:00.000-04:00

After two yelps and then Caleb dissolving into screams, I sharply turned my attention and voice toward the playroom. Caleb, crunched over in pain, cried out that Colin had thrown a lego creation at him. I ordered Colin upstairs, when he defended his actions by revealing Caleb's guilt in the incident also. I ordered them both upstairs for five minutes alone, to calm them down. Colin went immediately, but I stopped Caleb to comfort him before sending him up. After a few minutes of soothing words, I heard Colin calling from upstairs that he was ready to resolve things. I sent Caleb up with instructions that they were not to come back down until they had worked it out.

I heard some chatting back and forth on the stairs, and less than a minute later both boys emerged. Colin led Caleb to the living room, and then announced to us all that he had something he wanted to say in front of everyone. He faced Caleb and apologized for throwing the lego and hurting him so badly. Then he pulled out two small objects from behind his back and presented them to Caleb. Caleb looked at them closely as Colin explained what the little toys were and how they worked. I recognized the toys as ones from Colin's bed shelves; these were very previous to him, collections of little toys and trinkets, each one being given a specific and special place on the shelf.

I was so proud of him. I loved that, on his own, he realized that an apology was more than just an "I'm sorry" and that he had a genuine desire to try and make things right.

***

In another incident, my sister Jennifer came for dinner and brought a fantastic apple crisp. Colin tasted the first bite and declared: "Yum! This is delicious! This is way better than a pile of dirt!"

Time Out for Women 2011

2011-10-25T08:46:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I road tripped down to Rochester (4 hours) to attend a women's conference called Time Out for Women. This is an amazing conference series put on every year by women in our church, and they tour all over the US and Canada bringing inspirational speakers and musicians to help inspire women. It is impossible to sum up the whole weekend here, but I do want to record some of the highlights and moments of true inspiration for me.

More than anything I was excited to see Hilary Weeks. She is one of my favourite singer/songwriters. She is releasing her 9th album next week, and every single album is beautiful and brilliant. I've seen her once before at one of these conferences, and not only is she wonderful to hear sing live, but she is side-splitting hilarious in between her performances. She really captures what motherhood is about, infusing the issues and problems with so much humour you can't help but laugh. If you get a chance, have a peek on YouTube at her funny little parodies: "to-do list" "laundry" "my favourite things" "teenage language barrier".

The best quote I heard all weekend was by speaker John Bytheway. He is a Bishop (pastor) in his local church and he had a woman come into his office to speak about some troubles she was having. But instead of off-loading right away, she spoke these words of wisdom: "Instead of telling God how big my problems are, I'm going to start telling my problems how big my God is." Yeah. How amazing is that. If I don't take anything else away from this conference, I will always remember those words.

The theme of the 2011 conference series is "Choose to Become." It's an inspiring theme, because it encourages us all to make some deliberate choices in our lives, to choose to become not only what we really want to be, but also that which we have the potential to be that we didn't even know was there. A quote was given that we often make "to-do" lists, but we never make "to-be" lists. And in the long run, what is more important? Do you want to get to the end of your life and see a long list of completed to-do tasks like laundry and dishes and appointments and tidying? Or do you want to see a to-be list of the amazing emotional and spiritual evolutions within you?

"Come unto Christ, and be perfected in him." (Moroni 10:32, Book of Mormon). We often forget this sequence, and think that we must first be perfect and then we can come unto Christ. I loved this reminder that it really is the other way around, and that the only way we can be perfected (eventually, one day, way down the road int he eternities!) is through Christ. This was a good kick in my self-reliant pants.

I tell my kids all the time, when all three of them are hanging off my legs and demanding things all at once, that I am only one mom, and they are three kids, and I can't possibly see to all of them at the same time. This has really helped them get a little (little) patience, because Colin and Caleb both seem to get that picture. But God deals with each of his children one-on-one each and every day. We never have to wait until he gets to us, or step aside while he deals with something more urgent than our request, or assume that our needs are not important for him at this time. He may be one God, and we may be billions of his children, but his awesome omnipotence means that we can be before him every day one-on-one.

One speaker (and mom) noted that her mother-in-law never asked her kids "what did you do in school today" when they came home. (That never works anyway, at least with boys. Have any of you ever actually gotten an answer to that question? And still I ask it every day, and press and probe and use psychology tricks and even bribe until I can get three or four short words of an answer.) Instead, this mother always asked "who did you help today?" That changed her kids' focus when they left home for school every day, because they began to search out opportunities to serve others. This is a HUGE passion, desire and focus of mine as I raise my boys, and I am definitely adopting this.

Instead of trying to chase away bad or negative thoughts, fill your mind with good and positive ones, so that there simply is no room for the bad ones. How simple yet profound this idea is. It takes so much effort to push out the negative thoughts, but much less effort to simply think good ones in the first place. And what you think is what you become, so if I think positive I will feel positive and therefore be positive. Sound so simple, doesn't it?

Deliberate mothering means that each moment is a brick I am laying in my family and home. I am not just vacuuming and cleaning and training and disciplining and chauffeuring and packing lunches. Each of these acts is slowly helping to shape the lives and character of my children, whether by impacting them as people or creating the atmosphere in which they live. My top priorities shouldn't be speed and efficiency, but my family members, one by one.

Well, it's impossible to sum up a whole weekend in a few short paragraphs, but these are the thoughts I really want to remember. The conference will be coming to Toronto again next June, and I'll buy my ticket as soon as I can for that. I love to be inspired by inspiring people!

Talking with teens

2011-10-24T08:33:00.003-04:00

Somewhere, quite a while ago, I read an article about talking with teens. This one wasn't about the dreaded sex topic, or even about how to get your teens to talk to you about their life. It was simply from a teen's point of view about how they feel when they (have to) communicate with adults. The one point that stuck with me all these years was to make sure that you talk to them about real things. Don't assume all they can converse about is boys/girls, clothes, sports, and teen drama. Sure, a lot of that is relevant to their lives and they will want to talk sometimes on these topics. But the teens interviewed said that many times adults never really gave them any credit that they were interested about things bigger than these.

Saturday night I had an opportunity to drive my friend's 12 year old son home from his friend's house (I was in the neighbourhood and offered to help out.) It was going to be about a 20 minute drive, and running through my head was "what on earth are we going to talk about?" Now, I'm not a small chat person to begin with. When I have to drive someone home that I don't know well, I generally just sit in silence, completely unable to gather up any conversation ideas. That's why I insist on bringing James to any event I have to go to, because he jumps in and so easily starts conversations with anyone.

So as we climbed into the car, I tried to fill my head with conversation starters and topics, praying that we wouldn't just have to endure 20 minutes of silence, because that is a long time and would probably be unbearably uncomfortable.

I started with sports, knowing that he played on a team. Then I moved to the hike he had been on that day. But honestly, these were both those kinds of teen topics that kids generally get stereotyped into.

But then somehow there was a shift in the conversation, and it just took off. We talked about the Italian Renaissance art movement, the characteristics of those paintings, the difference between Da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa and those who could paint identical reproductions, the size of art canvases and how to conceive mural size paintings. Then we talked about writing, and how authors create and write a series, and what about a book means it merits a sequel, and then what about a sequel means it merits a third in the series. We talked about living abroad and learning new languages, and the difficulties of fitting into a new culture.

The 20 minutes flew by, and I found myself pulling into his driveway. He grabbed his knapsack and hopped out, and that was the end. As I drove away, I was amazed. I never would have thought that I would not only have found interesting topics of conversation with a 12 year old, but that I would engage with such enthusiasm and interest with someone who hadn't even reached teenagehood yet. It was neat to finally see the theory of "talking with teens" in action, and to see just how important it is to let these youth express thoughts that go deeper than last night's hockey game or what outfit to wear to school.

The "safe" zone of school

2011-10-18T15:46:00.004-04:00

I have read numerous (too many) articles in the papers lately about bullying related suicides. Children between ages 9 and 15 taking their lives because they can't cope with the endless taunting and tormenting at school.

Granted, bullying can take place anywhere, but the majority of it happens at school, and when a child is spending 30+ hours there a week, it is no wonder it grates on their poor hearts. Over and over we hear that schools are safe places for kids to be, but I think this is less and less true. Too many stories (in papers and from friends of my own) of children being bullied, abused, and mistreated in the supposedly safe zone of school.

I had a conversation with a friend on this exact topic on Sunday. She expressed some concerns over her young son, worrying that one day he might find himself a bullying victim. Worse, she was worried that she might never know what was happening during the time he was away from the safety of her home.

I told her that the best thing was to have it on your radar constantly. Bullying is an open dialogue in our home already, and Colin isn't even 6. He talks at times about bullying behaviour from kids at school. Thankfully it is all more controlling behaviour than bullying, but I've got my eye on it, and I'm glad to know Colin can recognize that kind of behaviour and that he is willing to let me in on it.

But let me tell you, I would pull my children so fast from an environment like the ones described by these children who took their own lives to escape the pain. Many of the kids talked about switching schools to try and escape, but these days it seems like schools are nothing more than a social ladder, where everyone wants to climb and the only way up is to drag the person above you down by the scruff of their neck and trample over them as you climb. It's terrible.

I feel like the only way my kids will be safe is if they blend in, if there is nothing that makes them different or stand out from the other kids. But that's not really the type of kid I want to raise. In fact, I want to raise kids who dare to be different, love to stand out, feel free to embrace who they are. How contradictory to the institution where they will spend the next 12 years of their life.

I know these aren't the stories of everyone, but especially during those tough middle school years (grades 6-9) almost everyone feels vulnerable. I almost feel like it would be a good idea to homeschool during those years anyway. I know some people will say that it will "toughen" kids up, or that they need to face that kind of adversity to make them strong, but I say that's crap. There is no reason that during some of the most vulnerable years of their lives they should be thrown into a lion's den. There are many ways they can be prepared for the world without being taught to crush other people's souls before they crush yours. Again, not the kind of kids I want to raise. But maybe for a couple years I can let them grow in themselves in the comfort and security of their own home, developing intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally during those fragile times and emerging on the other side ready to face high school, post secondary education and eventually the work force. When you put the two options side by side, it doesn't seem to be much of a decision, does it?

Calebite

2011-10-18T09:28:00.003-04:00

Caleb: I don't think Santa needs to come this year. We already have so many toys - the playroom is full of them. And any toys that we don't have, we can make out of paper.

Be yourself

2011-10-14T07:42:00.000-04:00

My friend posted this, and I thought it was so poignant:

There is nothing to practice;
To know yourself, be yourself.
To be yourself, stop imagining yourself to be this or that.
Just be.
Let your true nature emerge.
Don't disturb your mind with seeking.

— Nisaragadatta Maharaj

Colinism and Calebite

2011-10-13T07:18:00.001-04:00

Colin and Caleb are taking swim lessons. There are no words that can describe their excitement. But since photography and videography are not allowed at the pool, I will have to do my best to try and capture our most hilarious half hour of each week.

Every week we walk down the street to the pool. The boys are so excited they talk a mile a minute, right over top of each other. I actually have to tell them to stop, and give each boy three sentences to speak, before cutting him off to give time to his brother. Back and forth for the ten minute walk/run. Because walking is too slow. When we turn the last corner and can see the pool, they take off at speeds previously unattained by children under the age of 8.

Because I already have them in their swimsuits before we leave, all they have to do is take off their crocs and shower before entering the pool. Now, these are two boys who cry if we try and get them to shower instead of bathe at home. They cry that the water will get in their eyes, or it's too hot, or the water will hurt their backs. Not so, at the pool. The first week they turned on all three showerheads and ran back and forth under the streams. When I ended that for safety's sake, they chose instead to both stand under one showerhead. They stand as still as statues, head's bowed, Caleb holding his arms slightly out to the side. And they just stand there and let the water pour over them. They have to stand very close to each other to get under the stream, and it is just too cute to see two little brothers in that close proximity without wrestling and tears resulting.

Once the shower turns off, they dart into the pool, where we always have five minutes to wait (because I don't like to be late, I'm usually a little bit early.) They hop from foot to foot, darting toward the pool's edge to look over and then darting back at my firm voice of warning. They can't resist picking up flutter boards or diving rings or exclaiming loudly at the other kids already swimming.

When their class begins (there is one other girl in the class with them) I ascend to the balcony, where I can watch them from behind a glass window. And I laugh and laugh and laugh. And other people laugh and comment about them. Their excitement is infectious.

Because there are three kids and only two teachers, one is always left waiting for 15 or 20 seconds, standing on the submerged platform, while the other two students practice a technique. Whenever Colin or Caleb are on that platform, they are jumping and bouncing and spinning and twirling and laughing and making goofy faces at me and dancing and playing on the rails. They literally can't contain themselves. Yesterday, though I couldn't hear what was happening, I could swear that Caleb was singing the little "Huh-banana-squash-banana" that Rafiki sing in the "The Lion King", while Caleb paced back and forth on the platform "walking like an Egyptian."

While doing the actual swimming, Colin and Caleb are as different as night and day. All of Colin's perseverance comes to the forefront. If the teacher tells him to lie on his back and kick, he will do it for as long and as far as he possibly can, even when he is 6 inches under the water and can no longer breathe! His little face is grinning ear to ear and his legs are kicking ferociously, while he slowly sinks beneath the surface. And he wants no help at all. If the teacher stands 10 feet off and tells Colin to swim to her (usually kids need this to be encouraged to swim on their own), Colin swims toward her and then veers off on an angle to try and swim as far as he can. Every instruction she gives he immediately takes and applies, with absolutely no fear. He will do that front stroke as far as his lungs will take him (he can't turn his head to breathe yet). There were a couple times when he was almost choking on swallowed water, but no way was that going to stop him!

Caleb, on the other hand, swims vertically. Seriously. It's hilarious. He does everything Colin does (he wouldn't do it because the teacher asks, but he will do it because he sees Colin doing it!), but he does it with his body straight up and down in the water, rather than horizontal. So imagine these big arm front strokes, his legs kicking hard, but he's moving as though he was walking rather than swimming! He can't reach the bottom, so I know he's not really walking. The teacher holds onto him so he doesn't sink. Then he tries to do a back float, and his head is back, and his legs are dangling straight down. Then he tries a front kick, while holding onto the teacher's arms, and his legs are going back and forth 2 1/2 feet under. I also laugh each time he has to jump into the pool. I know he can do it, because he was jumping non stop this summer on our camping trips. I think he's a little nervous because the teachers are new, and he doesn't trust them completely yet. So the teacher will stand a couple feet out and reach out to him, and Caleb wants to jump - he really does - I see him bend his legs as if to jump, but then he just bounces up and squats down in position again, and reaches a little further, and then touches the teacher's hand and pulls her closer, all the while he's bouncing as if he was going to jump. Finally the other teacher comes from the side and lightly touches one finger to his back just to give him an added push. It's not even a push at all, more like a little pressure to get him going.

Once the boys finish, you'd think they would have expended all their energy, but nope. They are still wired. They take another shower, standing perfectly still, Caleb in front, Colin just behind. Then comes the business of getting dressed. Colin absolutely can't stand getting dressed when his skin is 100% dry, so it's a chore to try and get him ready. He also will not tolerate a single drop of water on his clothes; try putting on a pair of pants in a pool dressing room without letting the legs touch the floor!

And then the walk/run home. They talk a mile a minute. They run ahead and then run back to talk more, and then jump and dance and run again. It's past bedtime when we get home, but it takes forever to wind them down from it all! Next time I will have to try and book an earlier class, that's for sure.

I'm so disappointed that I can't get it on video. Even this long description can't capture it all, but I'm hoping it will be enough to trigger my memory of it. I'm so tempted to secretly film it all on a camera phone or something like that. It's just too funny!

Benjaminugget

2011-10-12T07:37:00.001-04:00

My in-laws have a huge stash of mini Smarties boxes, and every time they see the boys they bring one for each of the boys. For a long time, only Colin and Caleb got one, but recently Benjamin has become old enough to chew the favourite candy-coated chocolate also. Benjamin calls them "mommies."

***

Benjamin calls pictures of cats in books "cats." But real cats he calls "Cleo." That's the name of our cat, which he then applies to all cats.

***

Benjamin loves having his teeth brushed. I've heard from so many friends how their toddlers resist this daily habit, and yet Benjamin couldn't wait to start. He stands on his tiptoes on the little stool, opens his mouth wide and lets you brush away. Every 10 seconds or so he "spits" into the sink. It's one of the most adorable things I've seen.

You absolutely must try this!

2011-10-11T09:43:00.005-04:00

I love to bake. Yesterday I made three desserts for James' family Thanksgiving dinner, which meant it took the better part of the morning/afternoon to get it all done. But I never felt as though it was something I had to get through, or that there was anything else I would rather have been doing. It was just so much fun!

My first dessert is my classic, the Mile-High Apple Caramel pie. This is a huge hit, and I could never show up to a holiday meal without it. Roasting the apples before baking the pie intensifies the flavour and allow you to get twice as many apples into the pie than when I put them in uncooked. There are also praises all around for my crust, which, to be honest, I just make according to the directions. Apparently crust is difficult to master, but I guess my natural touch is what it takes, because I certainly haven't had to experiment on it!

The second dessert was a pumpkin pie. I think the filling had the right balance of sweetness and spices, but it didn't gel as firmly as I hoped. Still scrumptious, but I will need to look into the secrets of pumpkin pie a little further.

The third dessert was to die for. No, really. I dropped it off about 3pm, then had to run home because I forgot the diaper bag. By the time I returned the first tray was half empty - and it wasn't originally intended as an appetizer! The recipe, however, is not mine. The only credit I can take is that I do seem to be developing a talent of reading a recipe and discerning from the ingredients and directions what it might taste like and if it might suit our family's taste buds. And oh my, was this one ever a winner! And so, for your baking pleasure, I give you "Marbled Chocolate-Pumpkin Brownies."

Marbled Chocolate-Pumpkin Brownies

Makes: 36 brownies

Prep: 30 minutesBake: 1 hour

ingredients

3
ounces cream cheese, softened
1
tablespoon butter, softened
1/2
cup sugar
1
egg
1
cup canned pumpkin
1
teaspoon vanilla
1/2
teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4
teaspoon ground ginger
1
tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 1/4
cups all-purpose flour
3/4
teaspoon baking powder
1/2
teaspoon salt
6
ounces unsweetened chocolate, chopped
3/4
cup butter, cut up
2 1/4
cups sugar
4
eggs
1/4
cup milk
2
teaspoons vanilla
3/4
cup coarsely chopped walnuts, toasted (optional)

Preheat oven to 325°F. Line a 13x9x2-inch baking pan with foil, extending foil over the edges of the pan. Grease the foil; set pan aside.

In a medium mixing bowl beat cream cheese and the 1 tablespoon butter with an electric mixer on medium to high speed for 30 seconds. Add the 1/2 cup sugar. Beat until well combined, scraping sides of bowl occasionally. Beat in 1 egg, the pumpkin, 1 teaspoon vanilla, the cinnamon, and ginger until combined. Stir in the 1 tablespoon flour. Set aside.

In a small bowl stir together the 1 1/4 cups flour, the baking powder, and salt; set aside.

In a large saucepan combine the chocolate and 3/4 cup butter. Cook and stir over low heat until melted and smooth. Remove from heat. Gradually add the 2 1/4 cups sugar, beating with an electric mixer on low speed just until combined. Add the 4 eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in milk and the 2 teaspoons vanilla. Gradually beat in flour mixture just until combined.

Spread chocolate mixture evenly in the prepared pan. Spoon cream cheese mixture in several mounds on top of the chocolate batter. Using a narrow metal spatula, gently swirl the cream cheese mixture into the chocolate batter. If desired, sprinkle with walnuts.

Bake about 60 minutes or until center is just set when pan is gently shaken. Cool in pan on a wire rack. Use foil to lift uncut brownies out of pan. Cut into brownies.

To Store: Layer brownies between sheets of waxed paper in an airtight container; cover. Store in the refrigerator for up to 3 days.

Giving thanks

2011-10-10T12:51:00.003-04:00

We have a tradition at our family Thanksgiving meal to go around the table and name one thing we are thankful for. This year's thanks included family, a new baby to arrive soon, the beautiful countryside (me), the gorgeous weather, "that everyone I love could come and be here for dinner and Thanksgiving" (Colin) and "That I don't have to go to school on Monday." (Caleb) Kids personalities shine through in everything!

But I am grateful for so much. The fall in Canada here is stunning. We have had more than a week now of summer temperatures, clear and bright blue skies, deep red, burnt orange and golden yellow displays of turning leaves that take your breath away. The fields are in harvest, looking like an old patchwork quilt over the rolling hills, and the countrysides are dotted with the orange of pumpkin patches. Blue skies are the number one thing that always settle me into a peaceful calm.

I am grateful for my family even more right now than ever. James and I have several friends and family members who are having marital problems. He looked at me last night and said "is it just me, or are marriages crumbling all around us?" We sat with each other for a minute, in a moment of silence that expressed our mutual gratitude for the beautiful relationship and forever family that we have.

Life is good. Life is change, but change is good.

A little excitement!

2011-10-07T16:24:00.002-04:00

After 11 months of waiting, I received word today - I am going to be a published author! My essay on the Power of Individuality in mothering was selected to be included in an upcoming book. I wrote and submitted the nearly a year ago, and had all but forgotten about it. Needless to say, I'm so excited! No, this isn't a paying gig, but I will get copies of the book. And really, seeing my name in print will just be so cool. I don't have any further information yet (like the release date - but it seems to me that the publishing world can often run slower than ones nerves can take!), but I'll will update when I hear more.

New digs

2011-10-06T08:36:00.000-04:00

No, not a new house, just a new sort of workplace. As of September, I'm taking up the accounting side of our business. Today was my first full day (although I have been putting in night hours in the past couple of weeks.) At first we were hoping I would be able to work some days in the month to do all the work, but James is so busy he often works 6 days a week, and some evenings and early mornings as well. So for now I'll just have to find the time here and there to get caught up to current and then hopefully find some sort of routine to keep things current going ahead.

Honestly, I actually really enjoy the work. The first half is all data entry, which suits me wonderfully. I sit before the computer with stacks of neatly organized papers around me. I work in silence, because even though I love music, a song will always take centre stage in my mind, never becoming "background," and would thus hinder my concentration. Once the data entry is completed, then I must make sure everything reconciles to our online account. It seems to me that computer might actually make things more difficult in these kinds of cases, because we have already done all the work manually in the field, and then have to input everything electronically a second time, and then go through it a third to make sure it matches the bank's electronic records. If everything was as it was half a century ago, 100% on paper, then that first record would be all that was necessary.

At any rate, this is what is required now, and I can happily work away in world of numbers for hours on end. My brain is actually fitted well to this work. James would only point me in the right direction when I understood clearly the task at hand, and not only worked away easily at it, but often thought of time and work saving solutions, making full use of the new computer program.

I always liked math when I was in school. I always attacked math homework first, actually enjoying the list of equations assigned from a textbook. I may have, one or twice, even done some extra problems just for fun. Today, while I don't peruse textbooks any longer, I do love the new fad of Sudoku, a math version of a crossword or wordsearch.

And so I am settling into this new work. James laughed a little at my enthusiasm, warning me it will tire once I am chasing down employees for missing reports, receipts, and information. I laughed back and said I already had a system forming in my mind, and that they will perhaps rue the day I took over accounting, joking that I will bill each employee for hours spent chasing him or her down. (Or perhaps not joking...)

It's a good way to spend one's time when you love the work in which you are engaged. And accounting is definitely an area I have an affinity for.

Calebite

2011-10-05T11:47:00.002-04:00

Usually at least once a day James puts on the music for the boys to dance to. Our boys LOVE to dance. No matter where they are in the house, or what they are doing, they drop and run for the living room. I love that they love to dance.

I don't love the music so much. James is a big 80s fan. I am not. But since he is the one who usually puts on recorded music, there is mostly 80s music playing. I find recorded music is generally just another layer of noise added to an already noisy house. I will blast my music if I'm home alone (ha ha) or in the car on my own (ha ha). At home, I generally opt for live music, singing songs a cappella, playing and singing at the piano or on my guitar, or, very rarely, getting in a little flute practice.

Lately James' picks have been Michael Jackson (always a standard here), two songs from Transformers the Movie, and the theme from Neverending Story. But yesterday he put on my itunes playlist (he does that now and again, and I love that he thinks of me in that way.) Immediately Eva Cassidy's beautiful voice filled the house in the strains of "How Can I Keep From Singing?" This song has sort of been my anthem for the past couple of months. I've always loved it, but Eva's version lent itself so well to the guitar that I play it a lot while I'm learning. And then I fell in love with it all over again, and started singing it to Benjamin at bedtime. And I continued to sing it when Benjamin and Caleb began sharing a room, so Caleb often heard it at bedtime also.

Colin came down the stairs upon hearing the music, and was singing it with full gusto (much like Eva and I do!) "Above the tumult and the strife/I hear the music ringing/It sounds an echo in my soul/How can I keep from singing?"

I smiled as I watched Colin come down, singing. But then I heard Caleb's heavy tread running from the playroom. He picked into the hall and saw me, and this huge grin spread from ear to ear. "Mommy!" he exclaimed, excitement bursting forth, "It's the singing song! She said ringing, and singing, and Mommy, that's the song you sing! I love this song!" He then ran into the living room and began a slow yet moving sway back and forth to the rhythm of the music.

It did my heart good to see my boys show such a love for my favourite kinds of music. I know they love music, and we are a very musical home, but it's nice to see such an enthusiasm for it also.

Benjaminugget

2011-10-04T16:06:00.003-04:00

One of my boys has had his first kiss - and it was my youngest baby!

Last week I was watching my friend's three children, who all happen to be the same ages as my boys. Except her youngest is a girl. She and Benjamin have a love-hate relationship. When they see each other they smile and laugh and hug and call each other their baby-version of their names. But once playtime starts, there are often tugs and pulls and pushes and cries. And then laughs. And then fights. It goes back and forth. My friend and I always laugh about it.

At any rate, last week I was watching her kids, and because it was a beautiful morning, all the kids went out into the backyard to play. The oldest four boys were running around, playing all sorts of imaginative games, climbing the big rock and hunting through the "forest" and generally being boys. Benjamin and Maddie were, as usual, always playing together, sometimes happily, sometimes not. At one point, the two of them wandered over to the big playhouse we have. Benjamin went inside and peered out the different windows. Maddie circled the house on the outside, squealing in delight when Benjamin surprised her by popping his head out a window.

Well, at one point, he peered out of this little circular window that is just the right size for a toddler's face. I guess Maddie just couldn't resist that cute little framed face of his, because she ran right up and kissed him on his cute little pink lips. I only caught it out of the corner of my eye, from my perch on the deck, and wondered if I had indeed seen what I thought I saw. I watched silently for another couple of minutes, and sure enough, Benjamin came back for more. He disappeared back into the house, then came rushing forward to the window, where Maddie reached in and kissed him again! It happened a third and fourth time, before they tired of the game and moved on to something else.

It was such a precious moment to catch.

The Hero

2011-09-29T07:02:00.002-04:00

I saw a great movie last night: 3:10 to Yuma. I actually sat, interested, and watched the whole thing. That is unusual for me. I usually get a little antsy just sitting and watching the TV. Okay, admittedly I did fold two loads of laundry at the beginning, but my interest was piqued enough not to go looking for more to do.

The ending (and trying not to spoil it!) made me think about heroes in our movies and culture today. Fifty years ago, the hero was about facing a villain and winning in the end. Happy ending, happy hero, happy movie, happy audience. But today the heroes either don't win, or must sacrifice themselves in order to win. This is a major statement about the world in which we live, and how we feel about this world. Do we feel that we can't surmount our enemies? Or that we must sacrifice ourselves in the fight so that, although we are physically conquered, a future generation might come out on top?

Is there really that much despair in this world? Is hope too far out of our grasp? While we as a society often are a reflection of pop culture, high art is of a reflection of society. To watch a well crafted movie or read a well written book is to stare into the face of humanity in our time. The artist has an uncanny ability to remove himself a slight distance, observe his surroundings, and then point a mirror in the right direction so that we can see ourselves running around in our world from a third person point of view. It can be a stark and eye-opening experience to evaluate high art in such a way; it is like peeling back your body and peering into your soul.

I think the "hero loses" endings were more prevalent in the past decade, and while are sometimes still present, seem to be giving way more to the "hero sacrifice" ending, which seems to say that while we felt there was a time of desperation in the past, we are now seeing a glimmer of hope. While we may not feel that we will be able to enjoy what rises from these ashes, at least we now believe that a good life will emerge once more, somewhere, sometime.

Me? I always want to watch the first 10 minutes of a movie and then just skip to the last 5. I have a yearning for the "inciting incident" never to take place. I watch a movie and see a perfect world and just want everything to stay that way. You see, I don't like hopelessness, even if there is a possibility of a noble sacrifice for hope. I'm longing once more for the hero movies of 50 years ago, when the hero was the hero and the villain the villain and good always triumphs over evil. I'm tired of the jaded look at the present, because I see joy in life. Maybe one day I'll return to my filmmaking career and bring back the conquering hero story.

Hit over the head

2011-09-28T07:25:00.000-04:00

This morning I was preparing for my visiting teaching visit with a new woman of the ward. The spiritual message to deliver was about receiving personal revelation. The line that spoke directly to me was this:

“The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life.” (Julie Beck)

I thought this was a strong recommendation, and one that has great merit. Then, as I finished reading the message, I flipped through the scripture references noted at the bottom. That was when I got my hit over the head.

Behold, I command you that you need not suppose that you are called to preach until you are called. Wait a little longer, until you shall have my word, my rock, my church, and my gospel, that you may know of a surety my doctrine. And then, behold, according to your desires, yea, even according to your faith shall it be done until you. (Doctrine and Covenants 11:15-17)

You see, our church has a lay ministry, which means that there are no paid positions. The result of that is that you don't apply for teaching or leadership positions - our Bishop extends the call to serve as he feels guided by the spirit. This has been really hard for me over the years, because if I was in any other church I feel certain I would have studied religion and then gone into professional ministry. I have always wanted to spend my life teaching others the passion I have for the gospel. Instead, because of my talent in music, I have spent nearly all of the last 16 years serving in the church in music, rather than teaching.

I felt this none more acutely than over the past week, as our church had a big shake up in callings. It seemed as nearly everyone was shifted around except me. I am in a church that has 5 or 6 really talented musicians, and I watched as every one of them was called to teach in some form or another, which obviously meant that I had to retain my music calling again.

It was really hard at first. I even cried as I felt such a yearning to teach. I often hear of people called to teach who don't want to do it, or don't bother doing it, and I felt it so unfair when I am sitting here wanting nothing more than to teach. But then over the next week I sort of settled back into music, with some new ideas and a renewed love for a unique way of sharing the gospel.

Then I read that passage. You know, sometimes I read the scriptures and see it more as a historical record, or a general spiritual guide, than as personal revelation. Then one day I am guided to such an obvious answer to a prayer and it makes me laugh - there is no doubt that God has a sense of humour! (For another example, read this - it was also a hit me over the head moment!)

And so I am feeling at peace once again. I am sitting more at the piano, singing in worship. I am composing and arranging again. I have a Christmas program to write and rehearse. And I have much guidance and counsel from that section of scripture to prepare myself for the time when I will be called to teach.

Good friends

2011-09-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

I am so grateful to live in a place where we have good friends. And when I say "we", I mean everyone in my family. And when I say "good" I don't just mean people I like or acquaintances who help pass the days. I mean people who listen to your hopes and dreams and fears and heartaches. I mean people who invite you out to things, whose list you are at the top of of "people to call when cool things happen." I mean people who you share your life with and who share right back. I mean people you can just hang out with and talk about everything or nothing at all.

And I'm grateful that we have friends that are families, where I have a girlfriend whose husband is friends with James and whose kids like to be with our kids. And we don't just have one or two of these friends who are families - we have lots and lots.

There have been some circumstances over the last year that have caused us to ponder whether or not we need to move (all to do with James' work.) And every time we broach the subject with each other, we categorically decide "no." This is the place for us. While we might be able to meet new people and perhaps make some new acquaintances, James and I both know the special and unique gift we have found in our little town.

Words of wisdom

2011-09-26T13:03:00.003-04:00

Saturday night I watched a broadcast of a women's conference from our church. It was an hour an a half of pure inspiration. But by far, my favourite quote (and most relevant to how I'm feeling right now) is this:

"Forget not the 'why' of the gospel. Sometimes, he said, LDS church members focus on what the Lord wants them to do and how to do it, but forget the why. While understanding the 'what' and the 'how' of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the 'why,' " he said. "When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet." (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

I have a HUGE passion for the why. I have no doubt been caught up in the "what" and "how" over the years, and just this past year or so have finally gotten down to the basics. I think the more spiritually mature you get, the less complicated it gets. We complicate religion and spirituality and church when we have only a limited understanding. As we grow and mature, we see the beauty of the simplicity in it all. I have had my eyes opened in a new way, and I have such a passion for helping others see the same thing.