Houses and homes

"There is some of the same fitness in a man's building his own house that there is in a bird's building its own nest. Who knows but if men constructed their dwellings with their own hands, and provided food for themselves and families simply and honestly enough, the poetic faculty would be universally developed, as birds universally sing then they are so engaged? But alas! we do like cow-birds and cuckoos, which lay their eggs in nests which other birds have built, and cheer no traveler with their chattering and unmusical notes." (Henry David Thoreau)

I have always been fascinated with the idea of building homes. Other than raising your own food, building your own home fills life's most basic needs. I've often watched houses being built, observing each stage as the house slowly reveals itself. Have you ever walked the aisles of a building centre and noticed that there really aren't that many different sizes of pieces of wood? It would seem to me that it's just a matter of learning which pieces go where, like solving a puzzle. Constructing a modest, simple home cannot be beyond the average person, as average people regularly built their own dwellings for thousands of years.

In fact, my grandfather, father and uncles built the house my grandparents moved into for retirement. It is simple, but beautiful, and everything my grandmother wanted. When many people hear of someone "building their own house", it often means something nearly palatial, and custom designed and built by a company. The way I see it, the more space you have, the more area there is for family members to spread out. A big house is there perfect way for everyone to be home and never see each other.

A few years back I had signed up with Habitat for Humanity to assist in the construction of homes in Toronto. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with Colin, and so was unable to work with the organization, but one day I hope to volunteer again.

Last week I saw advertised in a Home Hardware flyer a cottage. That's right, an entire cottage. They supplied all the materials necessary to build one of two or three designs. I figure if they are advertising it in a flyer, it can't be beyond the average woman!

What a dream fulfilled it would be to one day build my own home. Every day I would lay down to sleep surrounded by the walls I built with my own hands, and perhaps sing with a little more poetry in my voice.

Wintery, blustery day

Last Monday we walked to Kinderclub, it was 18 degrees Celsius and we ditched our coats.
This Monday we walked to Kinderclub with snow on the ground, snow falling from the sky, and bundled in long johns, snowsuits, hats, mitts, boots, scarves and blankets.

Only in Canada.

Walking was a last minute event this morning, as James had to run out to work to fill in for a sick employee. So with only 20 minutes until class and a 20 minute walk ahead of us, I raced around to dress everyone. But the surprise of walking took me off guard, and we hadn't had a chance to "practice" the snowsuit yet, which is really important for Colin. He has a difficult time with change, and really needs some advance notice for things like this. After struggling and arguing for 10 minutes, I finally gave up on the hat and mittens and plopped him into the stroller. Off we went, the wind making tears streak down my face and my nose snuggled into my scarf. As we walked, and as each extremity of Colin's froze, he quietly asked for each additional winter item, first hat, then mittens, then finally for me to do up his jacket.

My heart ached for him, though. It really is tough on him, and when we arrived at his nursery school the stress of the morning caught up with him and he threw his arms around me, bursting into tears. I often get so caught up in our schedule that I forget how easily I could toss it aside. Really, what difference would it have made if we skipped class today? He absolutely loves going, it's true, but my adult watch-wearing, clock-watching, time-keeping habits certainly aren't necessary in a child's life. I think I need to take a page from my kids' book, toss the clocks and live life moment for moment.

Happy Birthday

Can a year have passed so quickly? Caleb is celebrating his first birthday today. A baby grows so rapidly during his first year, changing more than he ever will again.

Caleb is a joy in our lives. He runs around the house as fast as his little legs will take him. Once he discovered walking, there was no way he was going back to crawling on all fours. He loves cars, and drives them all over the floor, making a little "drrrrr" engine noise as he goes. He is understanding a few words now: "ball" was the first (about a month ago), and will happily find his ball for anyone willing to play with him. And he's got a heck of an arm on him, easily launching the ball across the room. He also knows the word "kiss", and turns his whole open smile to you, leaning in for an open-mouthed kiss if you ask. He has a good temper on him, and has mastered the art of crying and screaming when he is unhappy with the situation. He doesn't sit still for a second, and is constantly roaming and exploring his surroundings. There is little fear in him, and has no qualms about climbing, turning, digging, or doing anything he sets his mind to. And he's as smart as they come. It took less than 2 minutes with each childproofing device to figure it out. He sees something once and understands how it works. He's very strong, and holds his own against Colin, despite his age and size. If you take something from him, he'll likely charge you and get it back. He's a mama's boy through and through, and is rarely happy with anyone else if I'm in eyeshot. He loves to nurse and is showing no sign of self-weaning yet. In fact, he nurses on average between 10 and 12 times a day! I'm sure this has something to do with his affinity for me. He loves food. He has a sixth sense for food, even if it's covered, wrapped, or hidden. He trains his eye on it and there's no distracting him until he obtains the golden prize. Most of all, he has the most joy-filled smile, big apple cheeks and sparkling eyes that make your heart melt.

He's my little guy, and he's a whole year old today. How time flies by you before you even know.

Family Tree

The old nature and nurture question has been brewing in my mind today.

I have many different friends, all with different views on life, ways to build a home and raise their family. They have different ideas on faith, how we got here and where we're going. I love to get a glimpse into their lives and see who they are and what they are becoming. Most of all I love to see the gentle evolution of self. As they learn and grow and read and ponder, each one is developing new ideas to incorporate into how they spend each day of this life they have been given.

I see in them qualities I admire. I see the battles I fight daily that they seem to have already won. I see concepts they are grasping and planting deep within, and often wish I had the same root.

I see homes that are fun, homes that are peaceful, homes that are creative, homes that are educational, homes that are always busy and homes that retreat into family life. Of course most of them are balanced, but each family has a particular characteristic that emerges as a sort of defining element. I wonder how my family is seen, not out of fear of being judged or of not measuring up, but more out of curiosity and clarity. Amid my whirlwind, what is rising to the surface? I find it impossible to wade through the chaos to look in from the outside and see.

Are nature (parental genetic code) and nurture (parental influence) the only influences? Both of these have a large parental aspect, which seems to leave out both individual personality and evolving growth. Can I ever integrate a new quality that I see in another friend or family? Or are the influencing factors of nature and nurture simply too strong to ever accommodate a more drastic change of direction? Will I only ever be able to achieve an imitation of the deep-seeded natural characteristics I admire?

Can I ever have a home with more peace, with a family of first-born, out-going, natural-born leaders? Or am I fighting a losing battle, and should simply embrace the chaos and energy and spend my time channeling it?

How much do we really change from our long family line? If history doesn't repeat itself, I've certainly heard that it rhymes. Will I one day meet a family in my ancestry who seems just like a reflection in a mirror?

New music

I'm learning to play the flute. For the longest time I've been wanting to learn an instrument that would be more portable than the piano. I played the clarinet for years, but I really wanted to learn something practical like the guitar (great for camping), or sweeping beauty like the violin, or delicate like the flute.

Well, a friend of mine mentioned she has two flutes, and graciously loaned one to me. And I am loving it!

The most difficult part is mastering how to blow air across the flute. My friend will drop in next week to pass on some advice, however it's really going to be just a matter of practice. Thankfully the fingering is close to the clarinet, so it didn't take long for me to pick that up. And because I already play the piano and clarinet, and have basic trumpet and saxophone, adding another instrument is easier than it sounds.

That being said, just to pat my own back a little, I was able to play a few songs during that first half hour of practice! And now after four days (I get about 10-15 minutes a day to practice) I actually have been through 15 or 20 different songs! Now, they aren't all perfect, but they all do sound recognizable. My dad walked in the other day (not knowing about my new instrument) and thought I had a friend over practicing a flute/piano duet (with me obviously on piano!).

I am glad that it did come so easy, however. Between the previous few moments of time to practice, and my natural weakness to give up on anything that doesn't come quickly (a character flaw common to most gifted learners, I've recently learned), I think if I wasn't getting any sound out of the thing yet I might not be as motivated to continue.

I hope to perform for a music number at church sometime in the future (that will still be a while away!), but for now I'm just absolutely loving the floating melodies filling the air.

Guilty Pleasures

It's that time of year when the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say
"Merry Christmas, may your New Year Dreams come true!"
And this old rhyme in 3/4 time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing too.

Christmas is my favourite time of year. There's just something about the snow and the music and the light step in people's gait. There's the time spent with loved ones and the bounteous tables of food and the aromas of holiday baking.

I love the memories of Christmases past - decades past - of sleigh rides and Christmas balls with waltzes and long elegant red coats trimmed with white fur.

And there's the decorations.

I love to roam the stores and peruse the catalogues to take in the Christmas decorations. I love the bows and lights and wreaths and trees. I love the Christmas dish sets and table decor. I love candles burning and holly and mistletoe.

I see the displays and flip through the pages and just wish that I could buy it all up and deck the house from top to bottom. I wish I could host dinner parties and music concerts and Christmas celebrations and do it all in style. I know that I could hold all these events surrounded by family and friends and miss nothing of the joy it would bring by missing the abundance of decorations. But they're so pretty!

It would be a guilty pleasure of mine to buy up these decorations by the bagful. "Guilty" because I'm in this place right now where I'm learning the difference between need and want, and much about the great needs (not wants) around the world and even in my own city. My new motto of simplicity twinges me with guilt when I think about indulging in this pleasure, especially since it's only for one month of the year.

And yet...wouldn't it be beautiful, even if only for a short time...

Go hug your children

This week, two good friends have shared very personal and very scary stories with me about events their children underwent. One friend's son is 17 years old, and upon hearing her story I came home and cherished the ages of my kids right now, that although there is a big world out there, for the time being they are under my protection most of the day. The other child is Colin's age, and all I wanted to do was go wake up Colin and give hold him all night. It was 10pm and I wasn't about to actually wake him up, but I longed to envelop him in my arms.

But our kids are so often in tune with what we need. Colin has only woken up in the night a handful of times since he was an infant. But last night within half an hour of hearing my friend's story and me raising my need to hold him to the heavens, I heard this tiny voice calling my name. "Mommy? Are you there? I need a hug."

I rushed into Colin's room and scooped him up, pressing my cheek against his and breathing his smell in deeply. In no time at all he snuggled back into bed, with no fuss. 6 hours later, at four in the morning, that little voice woke me from my slumber. "Mommy? Daddy? Are you there?" James went in this time, but nothing would settle Colin. Eventually he crept into bed with James and I, something he's only done once before. "I just want to hug you, Mommy," he whispered as he cuddled up between us and drifted off to sleep.

***

Thank you, Lord, for your ever watchful eye over us.
Help me remember that you are Lord over the Storm.
Call me back to you, and shelter my trembling body
and weakening belief.
Fill me with faith to wash away my doubt.
I feel only peace when I am hidden in the shadow of your wings.
I am yours.


***

"At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you."
(John 14:20)

***

"Under His wings, O what precious enjoyment!
There will I hide till life's trials are o'er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
Resting in Jesus I'm safe evermore
(William Cushing, "Under His Wings I Am Safely Abiding)