We're trying to find a Nanny. My mother-in-law is here for three days to watch the boys. Friends have delivered meals and goodies; others are coming to clean the house. Colin insists that when I'm better we'll be able to visit Jacob in Toronto (an old friend). Caleb clings to my in desperate hugs when I see him. TV is driving me crazy. It hurts my eyes to read.
I'm desperately sad to have to listen to my boys growing. While pregnant with Caleb, Colin learned to walk. I didn't miss that with Caleb, but I will likely miss him learning to talk. I can't play or read or cuddle or walk or romp with them. This will be a heartbreaking two months.
We always wanted 4 kids, but I'm just not sure I can do it. Emotionally it's hard enough. But I really don't know if my body can handle any more. James laughs when I tell him I'm getting old, but really, I am getting older. My body at 30 or 32 will not be what it was at 25. It's amazing the impact each year has on you. Mentally this is also difficult. I knew I would lose 8 weeks to serious illness. I knew I would spend the time mostly staring out the window, unable to do anything else, struggling to breathe and struggling with dizziness. But I've only done 6 days and I feel like I can't go on for the next 7 weeks.
I know 8 weeks out of a lifetime is not that much. The weeks between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again simply flew by. I couldn't believe it was already April when we saw the positive result on the test. But my poor body is giving out this time.
In the endless amounts of time alone with my thoughts, I imagine snapshots of the future. I see life unfolding with my beautiful family. What I gift I have been given, and I intend to bask in every second.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
Free-Range Kids
I read this article today about "over-parenting" - the new fad that is perhaps protecting our kids too much. Maybe, just maybe, a little experience in life could do them some good. It's long, but fantastic, if you have a few minutes:
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/article/631582
http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/article/631582
Friday, 8 May 2009
Joy and sorrow
The tradition of waiting is always dispensed with in our home - whether we want to or not. As I withdraw from the social scene, drop off from the virtual world, and fade away physically, it gets hard to deny - I'm pregnant.
I'm six weeks along. I'm excited and exhausted. I found out at three weeks that I was pregnant, which seems an eternity ago (when you're keeping a secret). From 3 weeks to 5 weeks I ate like I was two people (or three Terri-Anns). There were more than a few days I made an entire second dinner at 11-0-clock at night! The human body is amazing - mine always knows to bulk up for the coming weeks. Week 5 to week 6 is a slow fade, loss of appetite, and generally feeling unwell. Then between 6 and 7 weeks it hits m e like a brick. The nausea is overwhelming. I thankfully don't throw up ever, but I always feel as if I'm only a few seconds from throwing up. It's this state that eats away at me. The constant flipping in my stomach starts to cause pain. The state of "just before you throw up" also takes a lot of energy, which exhausts me very quickly. It also causes me to have difficulty breathing; I'm only able to gasp out one or two sentences before needing to stop. I will have to force myself to nibble on a few saltine crackers each day. In the next week or two I will use any energy reserves I have and end up in bed. It will be another 8 weeks or so before I'm able to get up.
I have been so excited about this pregnancy, with the emotional roller coaster I have experienced these passed 6 months. And in a strange way, I'm almost glad for the pain. With the last pregnancy, my body didn't hit these stages. I was tired, but not ill. I feel reassured this time that at least my body is reacting to a healthy pregnancy the way I know it should.
I am grateful that after nine months, however, it will all end and I will be rewarded with a gift beyond comprehension. (January 1st, to be exact!) It feels forever away, since I have to wait until after Christmas, and we've barely begun spring. But the time will fly and we will welcome our new baby soon.
I'm six weeks along. I'm excited and exhausted. I found out at three weeks that I was pregnant, which seems an eternity ago (when you're keeping a secret). From 3 weeks to 5 weeks I ate like I was two people (or three Terri-Anns). There were more than a few days I made an entire second dinner at 11-0-clock at night! The human body is amazing - mine always knows to bulk up for the coming weeks. Week 5 to week 6 is a slow fade, loss of appetite, and generally feeling unwell. Then between 6 and 7 weeks it hits m e like a brick. The nausea is overwhelming. I thankfully don't throw up ever, but I always feel as if I'm only a few seconds from throwing up. It's this state that eats away at me. The constant flipping in my stomach starts to cause pain. The state of "just before you throw up" also takes a lot of energy, which exhausts me very quickly. It also causes me to have difficulty breathing; I'm only able to gasp out one or two sentences before needing to stop. I will have to force myself to nibble on a few saltine crackers each day. In the next week or two I will use any energy reserves I have and end up in bed. It will be another 8 weeks or so before I'm able to get up.
I have been so excited about this pregnancy, with the emotional roller coaster I have experienced these passed 6 months. And in a strange way, I'm almost glad for the pain. With the last pregnancy, my body didn't hit these stages. I was tired, but not ill. I feel reassured this time that at least my body is reacting to a healthy pregnancy the way I know it should.
I am grateful that after nine months, however, it will all end and I will be rewarded with a gift beyond comprehension. (January 1st, to be exact!) It feels forever away, since I have to wait until after Christmas, and we've barely begun spring. But the time will fly and we will welcome our new baby soon.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Don't Buy Stuff
Here is a post today on a site I like to frequent, Heavenly Homemakers. She says it so well, I'll just let her say it.
Don't Buy Stuff.
That’s it. My title is my post. Don’t buy stuff…that’s all I have to say.
When Kristen, the hostess of "Works for Me Wednesdays", asked us to share our favorite frugal tips…Don’t Buy Stuff is the best thing I could come up with.
When you buy stuff, you have to pay for it with money. And then you have to find a place to put it once you bring it home. And it won’t stay where you put it because someone will get it out and not put it away. And then it will get lost. Or broken. Or forgotten.
Buy food. You need to eat.
Splurge on toilet paper. It’s very useful.
Invest in soap…using soap is good.
But don’t buy stuff.
You’ll save a lot of money.
And…if you didn’t really need it in the first place, you won’t even miss it.Do the math
Soaring hormones + rising stress = exploding tempers.
James and I are fairly even-tempered people, but things its amazing how the laws of physics are being defied in our home. What goes up is certainly not coming down. Emotions are on the rise with the combination of things in our home situation right now. Somehow we're going to have to find our balance again, proving that as some things continue to go up sharply, others are simply going to have to stay at a low level.
This is going to be really hard.
James and I are fairly even-tempered people, but things its amazing how the laws of physics are being defied in our home. What goes up is certainly not coming down. Emotions are on the rise with the combination of things in our home situation right now. Somehow we're going to have to find our balance again, proving that as some things continue to go up sharply, others are simply going to have to stay at a low level.
This is going to be really hard.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Rhythm
I've been letting things pile up lately, but I just don't have the energy to get it done. I'm becoming aware of just how many clothes we all have, because it's been a while since I did laundry and we still seem to be making do. The knee-wall in our kitchen and the top of our shoe-shelf (the two places where wayward items collect) are precariously piled with random things. There is unidentifiable food smooshed into the carpet, begging for the vacuum. I'm losing precious days in planting carrots. My socks are sticking to the kitchen floor. I have even started tossing things onto my bedroom floor, which is my ultimate pet peave. That is really what tipped me off, because I always like my bedroom neat and tidy - it provides an oasis I can retreat to when the rest of the house is in shambles. We've lost several toys this week to foot-stepping. The dishes pile up all day. I haven't done my Monday deep-clean in a few weeks. There are fingerprints and saliva marks on the windows. You can barely walk in the basement.
The rhythm of life is a funny thing. I think each day, each week has its own rhythm. I also think each of us has our own rhythm. There are periods when things go just as you plan, and periods when it falls apart. There are times of optimism and happiness, there are times of melancholy and inactivity. There are moments when your to-do list continuously shrinks, and there are days when there isn't an end to it. Right now I'm mostly frustrated that this time of unproductive-ness is during the fabulous weather we're experiencing. The sun and warmth are usually so motivating in my life, I feel disheartened to waste such days. But the rhythm will soon alter, the cycle moves on. No one system can work forever. Life is about change and adaptation.
The rhythm of life is a funny thing. I think each day, each week has its own rhythm. I also think each of us has our own rhythm. There are periods when things go just as you plan, and periods when it falls apart. There are times of optimism and happiness, there are times of melancholy and inactivity. There are moments when your to-do list continuously shrinks, and there are days when there isn't an end to it. Right now I'm mostly frustrated that this time of unproductive-ness is during the fabulous weather we're experiencing. The sun and warmth are usually so motivating in my life, I feel disheartened to waste such days. But the rhythm will soon alter, the cycle moves on. No one system can work forever. Life is about change and adaptation.
Friday, 1 May 2009
History
"History is written by the victors. Art is written by the people."
That's my own quote. It describes my feelings lately on history. It's a common phrase that history is written by the victors and the successful. But not only is history very one-sided, it also generally suffers from two things: 1) the blessing/curse of hindsight and 2) being written by someone who wasn't there. The result is probably not very indicative of what life was really like. These histories also have a tendency to not only present, but form opinions on the events. What inevitably occurs then is that while reading the history one acquires someone else's opinion of that moment in history rather than forming their own.
Art is completely different. Art by its very nature is connected to the life and events and morality and beliefs of a people. A novel is more than a story, a painting is more than a picture, a film is more than a movie, a song is more than music. The style of a painting relates the pain or joy or opulence or poverty of an era and tell you much more than whatever the subject actually is. The form of a story conveys the emotions in the author's voice as much as a character's dialogue. The wedding of music and lyrics combine to create powerful interpretation of the musician's lifetime. The themes of a film and the manner at which the filmmaker goes about presenting them speaks volumes of the society in which s/he dwells.
I think perhaps one of the best ways to learn about a period in history, then, is to go out and experience the art of that time. A history book might be an easy way to have it all compiled, but then it also comes pre-judged. The more novice one is in regards to art criticism and historical knowledge, the more pure a conclusion they would reach. Read a book and some poetry, wander through an art gallery, soak in the music, engage in a film. Use as many and as varied sources as you can find. Then come to your own conclusion. Are there similar themes, styles, trends that transcend the different forms of art? How does the art from two different countries of the same period compare (like "A Tale of Two Cities" vs. "Les Miserables")? How does art from your own country evolve over time? Even without knowing any of the actual historical events, you might be surprised how accurate your reconstruction is. Art is powerful. Art speaks to the soul. Art is the touch of one person on another's life.
That's my own quote. It describes my feelings lately on history. It's a common phrase that history is written by the victors and the successful. But not only is history very one-sided, it also generally suffers from two things: 1) the blessing/curse of hindsight and 2) being written by someone who wasn't there. The result is probably not very indicative of what life was really like. These histories also have a tendency to not only present, but form opinions on the events. What inevitably occurs then is that while reading the history one acquires someone else's opinion of that moment in history rather than forming their own.
Art is completely different. Art by its very nature is connected to the life and events and morality and beliefs of a people. A novel is more than a story, a painting is more than a picture, a film is more than a movie, a song is more than music. The style of a painting relates the pain or joy or opulence or poverty of an era and tell you much more than whatever the subject actually is. The form of a story conveys the emotions in the author's voice as much as a character's dialogue. The wedding of music and lyrics combine to create powerful interpretation of the musician's lifetime. The themes of a film and the manner at which the filmmaker goes about presenting them speaks volumes of the society in which s/he dwells.
I think perhaps one of the best ways to learn about a period in history, then, is to go out and experience the art of that time. A history book might be an easy way to have it all compiled, but then it also comes pre-judged. The more novice one is in regards to art criticism and historical knowledge, the more pure a conclusion they would reach. Read a book and some poetry, wander through an art gallery, soak in the music, engage in a film. Use as many and as varied sources as you can find. Then come to your own conclusion. Are there similar themes, styles, trends that transcend the different forms of art? How does the art from two different countries of the same period compare (like "A Tale of Two Cities" vs. "Les Miserables")? How does art from your own country evolve over time? Even without knowing any of the actual historical events, you might be surprised how accurate your reconstruction is. Art is powerful. Art speaks to the soul. Art is the touch of one person on another's life.
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