James and I just returned from two and a half weeks in France. So much to write, and yet there is something about trying to capture it all after the fact that seems inadequate. And so I might get to some of these thoughts over the next little bit, but then again, perhaps it will all stay tucked away in my own personal memory box.
Either way, I'm back and my mind is bursting with new ideas, new roles, new books, and new directions. Summer is here, and it's sort of like another new beginning mid year. New beginnings are so inspiring and I'm filled to the brim and bursting with the newness. Love it!
Tuesday, 24 June 2014
Monday, 2 June 2014
Fighting the man
Last month we had a very scary, very close call with the bus. Our afternoon bus stop is on the far side of a busy street, and necessitates us crossing said street to get home. While the bus has it's lights flashing and stop sign open, cars regularly run straight through it. Whether it's the slight hill before the stop, or distracted drivers, or drivers simply feeling they are in too much of a hurry if there aren't kids directly in the middle of the street, we constantly have our eyes peeled for danger. Two years ago we had a close call, after which I stopped having the kids take the bus while I went through the "bus stop" appeal process. The stop was changed for a month, and then reset in September back across the street. I've been fighting it ever since, but the review kept coming back that there was "no problem with the stop."
So last month a car came speeding right through and was only two or three feet from where Benjamin was crossing. We were all right behind him. Enough was enough. I pulled them again from the bus and this time was not going to take "no" for an answer.
I got the run around at every corner. The bus company said they need a report for the bus driver. The bus driver said her supervisor told her not to open her mouth about it. The school said they don't control the busses. The bus company said that a "50km/h, two lane road that dead ends in 500 feet shouldn't be a problem stop." Oh, and they said that they can't control drivers.
Well, they can control where the stop is. I sent a letter to the school saying that as of June 2nd my children would no longer be attending school, as it is too dangerous for them to get to and from school. The principal jumped on the phone and said she would talk with the board and the bus company.
Two weeks passed, and this morning, June 2nd, arrived. I sent a short email stating that the kids would not be at school. But I was feeling pinched because James and I leave on vacation this week, and my mother, who will be watching the kids, needs them to go to school and take the bus. If I was going to be here I was going to keep them out of school as long as it took. As it is, I only had three days.
As it turns out, we only needed 30 minutes. By 9:30 this morning I had an email and a message from our school that the bus would now drop the kids off on our street, well away from the major artery. (Bonus, it's actually right in front of our house!) I can't express how relieved I am. We will have kids at this school for the next 13 years, and as long as we live here they will be taking the bus. I just hope I don't have to fight this again come September, or that I didn't have to go to the media about it. But let me tell you, I will!
So last month a car came speeding right through and was only two or three feet from where Benjamin was crossing. We were all right behind him. Enough was enough. I pulled them again from the bus and this time was not going to take "no" for an answer.
I got the run around at every corner. The bus company said they need a report for the bus driver. The bus driver said her supervisor told her not to open her mouth about it. The school said they don't control the busses. The bus company said that a "50km/h, two lane road that dead ends in 500 feet shouldn't be a problem stop." Oh, and they said that they can't control drivers.
Well, they can control where the stop is. I sent a letter to the school saying that as of June 2nd my children would no longer be attending school, as it is too dangerous for them to get to and from school. The principal jumped on the phone and said she would talk with the board and the bus company.
Two weeks passed, and this morning, June 2nd, arrived. I sent a short email stating that the kids would not be at school. But I was feeling pinched because James and I leave on vacation this week, and my mother, who will be watching the kids, needs them to go to school and take the bus. If I was going to be here I was going to keep them out of school as long as it took. As it is, I only had three days.
As it turns out, we only needed 30 minutes. By 9:30 this morning I had an email and a message from our school that the bus would now drop the kids off on our street, well away from the major artery. (Bonus, it's actually right in front of our house!) I can't express how relieved I am. We will have kids at this school for the next 13 years, and as long as we live here they will be taking the bus. I just hope I don't have to fight this again come September, or that I didn't have to go to the media about it. But let me tell you, I will!
Friday, 30 May 2014
Easy does it
Over the last six weeks James and I have been participating in a parenting class on Sunday nights at our church. We have learned so much, both from the psychologist-bent teaching and workbook, but also from the four other couples in the class. We have the youngest children in the group; everyone else's youngest is at least six years of age, and all of them have teenagers.
More than anything, I feel like I have conquered much of my anger in my parenting. I'm not an angry person, and I don't yell often, but I realized that those times when I do lose it don't accomplish anything. Not one little thing. Even though I yell as a last resort, out of frustration from non-compliance or disobedience, yelling rarely gets the result I want. Usually the child in question is too far gone already for yelling to be effective.
I realized that a yelling match takes two. If I am a calm wall, then the child can yell and yell and never gets any fuel in their fire, which eventually dies out. I have been amazed that I don't need to match their tone/voice/volume in order to communicate. In fact, it's pretty pointless to try and communicate at all when that kind of emotion is running so high.
Apparently 97/100 times if you calmly and clearly articulate the expectation, the child will comply by the third time. The trouble is that usually by the third time saying something, I have a bit of a tone change, to exasperation, frustration or anger. With my two oldest children (ages 6 and 8) this has worked beautifully. With Juliette, it takes a little longer for her to calm down from a tantrum, but we are eventually yielding results. With Benjamin it's a bit more of a wild card. I guess he is one of the 3/100 for whom this technique isn't always effective.
James has expressed his frustration that Benjamin "seems to enjoy taunting others, making them angry." I think it's a little different than that. I don't think he "enjoys it" in that he wants to see others hurt. I think instead he wants interaction with others and isn't always sure how to do that appropriately. And mostly I think he is just thinking of himself and the fun, or pleasure, centre of the brain. If he is enjoying what he is doing (like bumping into Juliette's bike, or running around with Colin's lego toy, or running free outdoors, even in a parking lot) he just gets so focused on that enjoyment that he doesn't listen or heed our council and warnings. Rather than being malicious, he is simply being selfish. Regardless, I have come to realize that, even with Benjamin, there is no percentage in getting angry. Anger still accomplishes nothing. It might take a bigger basket of skill sets to parent him, but hey, that's why we signed up for this in the first place.
More than anything, I feel like I have conquered much of my anger in my parenting. I'm not an angry person, and I don't yell often, but I realized that those times when I do lose it don't accomplish anything. Not one little thing. Even though I yell as a last resort, out of frustration from non-compliance or disobedience, yelling rarely gets the result I want. Usually the child in question is too far gone already for yelling to be effective.
I realized that a yelling match takes two. If I am a calm wall, then the child can yell and yell and never gets any fuel in their fire, which eventually dies out. I have been amazed that I don't need to match their tone/voice/volume in order to communicate. In fact, it's pretty pointless to try and communicate at all when that kind of emotion is running so high.
Apparently 97/100 times if you calmly and clearly articulate the expectation, the child will comply by the third time. The trouble is that usually by the third time saying something, I have a bit of a tone change, to exasperation, frustration or anger. With my two oldest children (ages 6 and 8) this has worked beautifully. With Juliette, it takes a little longer for her to calm down from a tantrum, but we are eventually yielding results. With Benjamin it's a bit more of a wild card. I guess he is one of the 3/100 for whom this technique isn't always effective.
James has expressed his frustration that Benjamin "seems to enjoy taunting others, making them angry." I think it's a little different than that. I don't think he "enjoys it" in that he wants to see others hurt. I think instead he wants interaction with others and isn't always sure how to do that appropriately. And mostly I think he is just thinking of himself and the fun, or pleasure, centre of the brain. If he is enjoying what he is doing (like bumping into Juliette's bike, or running around with Colin's lego toy, or running free outdoors, even in a parking lot) he just gets so focused on that enjoyment that he doesn't listen or heed our council and warnings. Rather than being malicious, he is simply being selfish. Regardless, I have come to realize that, even with Benjamin, there is no percentage in getting angry. Anger still accomplishes nothing. It might take a bigger basket of skill sets to parent him, but hey, that's why we signed up for this in the first place.
Monday, 26 May 2014
Kidlets
The boys suddenly discovered playing "school." This is something I remember playing with my sisters all the time. Someone was teacher, and would create school work to be completed. There were science projects and slide shows with my microscope/projector. There was attendance and hand raising and dismissal.
The boys' first order of business? Figure out the PD days. (There were three the first week.) And then what to do during recess and gym. Eventually they got to some math problems. They all really love math (just like mama.) But they do call the teacher "Mr. Gawthroupe" which is really cute.
The boys' first order of business? Figure out the PD days. (There were three the first week.) And then what to do during recess and gym. Eventually they got to some math problems. They all really love math (just like mama.) But they do call the teacher "Mr. Gawthroupe" which is really cute.
Friday, 23 May 2014
Character training
(Forgive me, for someone who might be reading straight through these entries. I have a shadow of a memory that this might be familiar. I only hope that, if I do repeat myself in my writings and thoughts, that as the years pass I have grown and learned a thing or two, and am not just riding the same merry-go-round in circles.)
I came across a wonderful idea about raising children the other day. So often we are performance focused, and result based in our parenting. For example, we might praise our toddler "Good job for going on the potty!" While celebrating accomplishments is important, perhaps there is something deeper we can be teaching in these moments.
The example I read added one more sentence to this praise, and, to me, it made all the difference: "Good job for going on the potty! You should real self-control by doing that."
Do you see the difference? In the first instance, you have praised simply the action of going to the bathroom. The child will feel affirmed, and hopefully want to repeat that action. However, in the second instance, you have instructed the child that controlling one's bladder is a form of self-control, and that exerting control over your body is a worthy character trait.
Yes, I know that a two year old is not likely to make that connection. But this parenting technique involves trying to tie a character trait to the positive actions of your child.
Here's one that I managed to get in today. Colin proudly told of how he was really holding his own playing soccer with the older kids at school. "I'm doing so much better!" he exclaimed. I first shared in his joy, and then added "Isn't it amazing how your hard work and perseverance have helped you improve?" Raising a child who is good at soccer is fun for him and I, but raising a child who is learning the value of hard work and the reward of sticking to something is invaluable.
Here is a list of 49 character qualities found on the chart I printed off from here. (This chart includes a scripture for each trait also.) The chart also includes the opposite of that character quality, which is useful in providing a quick idea of what that trait is about. I have hung this chart on my fridge so that each day my eyes will fall on these traits, and hopefully they will lodge themselves in my mind and be on the tip of my tongue throughout the day.
Truthfulness
Alertness
Self-Control
Wisdom
Resourcefulness
Orderliness
Attentiveness
Obedience
Hospitality
Reverence
Discernement
Thriftiness
Initiative
Sensitivity
Sincerity
Generosity
Diligence
Faith
Contentment
Responsibility
Justice
Virtue
Joyfulness
Thoroughness
Discretion
Punctuality
Humility
Compassion
Boldness
Flexibility
Dependability
Love
Tolerance
Decisiveness
Gentleness
Forgiveness
Availability
Security
Creativity
Cautiousness
Determination
Deference
Persuasiveness
Endurance
Patience
Enthusiasm
Gratefulness
Loyalty
Meekness
I came across a wonderful idea about raising children the other day. So often we are performance focused, and result based in our parenting. For example, we might praise our toddler "Good job for going on the potty!" While celebrating accomplishments is important, perhaps there is something deeper we can be teaching in these moments.
The example I read added one more sentence to this praise, and, to me, it made all the difference: "Good job for going on the potty! You should real self-control by doing that."
Do you see the difference? In the first instance, you have praised simply the action of going to the bathroom. The child will feel affirmed, and hopefully want to repeat that action. However, in the second instance, you have instructed the child that controlling one's bladder is a form of self-control, and that exerting control over your body is a worthy character trait.
Yes, I know that a two year old is not likely to make that connection. But this parenting technique involves trying to tie a character trait to the positive actions of your child.
Here's one that I managed to get in today. Colin proudly told of how he was really holding his own playing soccer with the older kids at school. "I'm doing so much better!" he exclaimed. I first shared in his joy, and then added "Isn't it amazing how your hard work and perseverance have helped you improve?" Raising a child who is good at soccer is fun for him and I, but raising a child who is learning the value of hard work and the reward of sticking to something is invaluable.
Here is a list of 49 character qualities found on the chart I printed off from here. (This chart includes a scripture for each trait also.) The chart also includes the opposite of that character quality, which is useful in providing a quick idea of what that trait is about. I have hung this chart on my fridge so that each day my eyes will fall on these traits, and hopefully they will lodge themselves in my mind and be on the tip of my tongue throughout the day.
Truthfulness
Alertness
Self-Control
Wisdom
Resourcefulness
Orderliness
Attentiveness
Obedience
Hospitality
Reverence
Discernement
Thriftiness
Initiative
Sensitivity
Sincerity
Generosity
Diligence
Faith
Contentment
Responsibility
Justice
Virtue
Joyfulness
Thoroughness
Discretion
Punctuality
Humility
Compassion
Boldness
Flexibility
Dependability
Love
Tolerance
Decisiveness
Gentleness
Forgiveness
Availability
Security
Creativity
Cautiousness
Determination
Deference
Persuasiveness
Endurance
Patience
Enthusiasm
Gratefulness
Loyalty
Meekness
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Enough with the chocolate already
Lately I have turned to chocolate as a survival mechanism for the lack of sleep I'm getting. But my body is starting to reject that now. Mentally I know it's terrible for me. I'm not usually one with a sweet tooth. I don't buy cookies or candy or chocolate or chips or treats regularly. I skip those aisles completely at the grocery store. But if I'm out running an errand I find myself throwing something in the cart at the checkout, and way more often than is good for me.
Now that the good weather is here, I'm hoping to substitute biking and walking for chocolate. I find the physical activity stimulates me the same way a sugar kick does. Actually, the real answer is to start sleeping more than two or three hours a day, and hopefully that will come soon also.
Thursday, 15 May 2014
From distracted to disciplined
Lately everything in my life and in my head feels like a giant ping pong game. I can't seem to finish anything I start. I first noticed it in regards to reading. It's completely normal for me to have three or four books on the go (different genres.) But usually I finish at least 75% of what I start (I don't make myself finish something that isn't holding my interest.) Lately I've started and abandoned so many books within the first couple of chapters, not because they aren't interesting but because I can't seem to stay focused.
I've also had several writing projects that I've jumped into and then left after a chapter or two. I have some really, great solid ideas that I'm excited and passionate about and should leave me desperate for time to steal away and write. But I can't stay focused.
I can't even stay in a two minute game of solitaire without jumping over to Sudoku.
I'm sure much of it has to do with the fact that I'm still getting very little sleep. A couple of hours here and there leave me in a general fog. Regardless, I'm tired of feeling so unproductive. If these are the sleep-deprived, toddler overwhelmed circumstances in which I must work, then I must learn to do just that.
I have a strong feeling that what I need is some good old-fashioned discipline. While being at home means that I have a never-ending load of work, it also means that I am my own boss, which leads to a laissez-faire attitude when it comes to deadlines. I need to do the laundry but people can pull their clothes from an unfolded basket if I don't get to the folding. That child that really needs some attention will still breathe and function if I'm too exhausted. The toy room will look like a bomb hit it ten minutes after I clean it, and so it's easy to not bother. But all this doesn't mean that I'm working as effectively as I can or should.
This is by no means a personal guilt trip. I think guilt is useless and have never given it corner in my life. This is motivation. I want to be doing things more orderly and more effectively not because someone else is defining expectations, but because I believe in these expectations myself.
I'm not sure what the answer is just yet. These are the early ramblings of desire without a plan. My first stab might be just to simplify. Stop multitasking and just focus one on thing at a time. Discipline myself to stay with one task and see it through to completion. We'll see how it goes.
I've also had several writing projects that I've jumped into and then left after a chapter or two. I have some really, great solid ideas that I'm excited and passionate about and should leave me desperate for time to steal away and write. But I can't stay focused.
I can't even stay in a two minute game of solitaire without jumping over to Sudoku.
I'm sure much of it has to do with the fact that I'm still getting very little sleep. A couple of hours here and there leave me in a general fog. Regardless, I'm tired of feeling so unproductive. If these are the sleep-deprived, toddler overwhelmed circumstances in which I must work, then I must learn to do just that.
I have a strong feeling that what I need is some good old-fashioned discipline. While being at home means that I have a never-ending load of work, it also means that I am my own boss, which leads to a laissez-faire attitude when it comes to deadlines. I need to do the laundry but people can pull their clothes from an unfolded basket if I don't get to the folding. That child that really needs some attention will still breathe and function if I'm too exhausted. The toy room will look like a bomb hit it ten minutes after I clean it, and so it's easy to not bother. But all this doesn't mean that I'm working as effectively as I can or should.
This is by no means a personal guilt trip. I think guilt is useless and have never given it corner in my life. This is motivation. I want to be doing things more orderly and more effectively not because someone else is defining expectations, but because I believe in these expectations myself.
I'm not sure what the answer is just yet. These are the early ramblings of desire without a plan. My first stab might be just to simplify. Stop multitasking and just focus one on thing at a time. Discipline myself to stay with one task and see it through to completion. We'll see how it goes.
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