I love where I seem to have settled in for now. Having come through the tumultuous teen years, the wary university years, and the stumbling early motherhood years, I feel like I have finally found peace where I am. And the root of this peace, for me, is that I finally realized the fruitlessness of trying to "keep up with the Jones'."
I think this expression is obvious enough in relation to teenagehood and the college era, but I was surprised to find myself hit by this desire with a vengeance when I became a mother. There were so many issues, so many positions, so many persuasive advocates, so many people I wanted to emulate. I found myself very quickly being "tossed to and fro by the doctrines of men." There seemed to be no middle ground with any of the opinions. Healthy eating meant not only baking your own bread, but cooking everything from scratch, growing your own food and grinding your own wheat. Home-schooling was a complete eschewing of all things public education. Health care meant either doctors and medicine or doulas and homeopathy. Each advocate was so persuasive as to make one believe that theirs was the only way to successfully raise your children.
My conclusion: there is no middle ground. And so began desperate attempts to read and research and integrate these beliefs into my own life. But I didn't find myself enjoying the process. I found myself struggling as I tried to copy other's lives.
Then, somehow, I emerged from this shadow and regained confidence in myself. I realized it would not be worth trying to imitate even my dear, closest friends, those whom I admire as mothers, homemakers and wives. My own uniqueness requires my own unique approach in my home. We may all have the same goals but there are an infinite number of ways to achieve them. Success only comes from discerning what methods fit with your own personality and your family dynamics.
A book I am currently reading talks about principles versus practices. The principle is the idea, the goal, what you are hoping for in results. The practice is the means to achieving that idea, goal or result. Creativity and success arise from a multitude of practices. In fact, failure may be a direct result from copying a practice that is not the right fit for you. The author encourages the reader to keep their mind on the principles and to let their minds and imaginations guide them to the appropriate practices to achieve that principle, and above all, to not let the practices of others constrict your thinking.
The middle ground on which my feet are firmly planted has opened my eyes to the contest of motherhood. Not only have I learned how to figure out what is best for me and my family and how to feel secure and unmoved in my personal decisions, but I have also developed a greater tolerance and understanding for mothers with alternate practices. Raising our kids is not about convincing other parents why "my way is the best way." Rather, it is about a community of ideas and conversations of empathy. Once I realized that I didn't need validation from others that what I'm doing is right, the contest between myself and other women not only vanished, but left in the clearing of the fog much richer relationships that have spurred me on to greater heights in my calling as a mother. I have found my ground, I feel at peace, and I have moved out of Jonesville completely.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
It's that time of year...
Actually, I may even be a little late, but I'm wasting no time as I jump into the Christmas spirit. I like to have lots of time to settle into Christmas gift ideas, choosing just the right thing for each friend and family member. It's a good thing I decided to get going, because I didn't realize how difficult this year was going to be!
My first stop is the boys...and this proved to be a great roadblock. Our playroom is currently stuffed with toys. Every few months I go through and cull out the things that aren't favourites, just to keep the amount of things manageable. But last month I only came up with two small, rinky toys that weren't used on a regular basis! And so when I started considering adding more toys to the piles, I started getting concerned about what would get the boot to make way for the new additions.
My boys are too young for collecting (ie: action figures or play sets). Truly - some weeks their absolutely favourite thing is Happy Meal toy or Dollar Store buy. Imagination through acting is much more common here than imagination through toys. Toys seem to be a secondary prop rather than a primary tool. Add to that the fact that their interests in toys come and go so quickly, I felt a little hesitant to "invest" in some of the playsets out there.
So I sat up in bed one evening, flipped on the laptop and began to do some preliminary searching online for gift ideas. An hour later, I was still nowhere. I posed the question to James, and he came up with nothing either. Over the next few days I started talking with friends who have boys older than mine, to find out what the toys with staying power really are. I got a few good suggestions, but nothing quite right for my little guys. Up until at least the age of 5, there was nothing that was really going to have the kind of staying power I wanted to spend money on.
Eventually I did decide on one thing - I wasn't going to buy everything brand new. Although our budget could certainly handle the expense, I just couldn't see the point in spending that much money on toys that wouldn't hold their interest for more than a year or two. And so, with much trepidation, I hit the "online garage sales" of Craig's List and Kijiji. Personally, I can't stand these sites. There is so much sifting through garbage, so many "hits" for each search, so few people close enough to make it worth the drive, and so many items listed for way more than they are worth second hand! Nevertheless, in the spirit of the old tale "long walk part of gift," I dove into the murky online world and started searching.
So far, I have had a bit of success. I've figured out a few things to get: a couple of toys, a couple of movies, a couple of more practical things. Again, even with a budget that would allow a little more extravagance, a mountain of presents is not what we want our focus of Christmas to be, and so as parents we are practicing a good amount of restraint. The ideas are finally starting to cement in my mind, and the first few items have been purchased already. My favourite part of this whole process is storing the gifts in bags in the basement, wandering down every so often to "take stock" of what I have, thinking about each person who will recieve the gift and what it will mean to them.
With our baby on the way, I will be certain to have most of the shopping down in the next month or so. Gratefully most of our family members feel much the same as we do, and so there isn't a huge amount of gift shopping to be done; just a few thoughtful presents to show our love of those near and dear to us, something that will truly be appreciated as more than a gift card or an envelope full of cash.
Hmmm...now that I'm Christmas shopping, does that give me permission to open up my box of Christmas music yet? I'm thinking yes...
My first stop is the boys...and this proved to be a great roadblock. Our playroom is currently stuffed with toys. Every few months I go through and cull out the things that aren't favourites, just to keep the amount of things manageable. But last month I only came up with two small, rinky toys that weren't used on a regular basis! And so when I started considering adding more toys to the piles, I started getting concerned about what would get the boot to make way for the new additions.
My boys are too young for collecting (ie: action figures or play sets). Truly - some weeks their absolutely favourite thing is Happy Meal toy or Dollar Store buy. Imagination through acting is much more common here than imagination through toys. Toys seem to be a secondary prop rather than a primary tool. Add to that the fact that their interests in toys come and go so quickly, I felt a little hesitant to "invest" in some of the playsets out there.
So I sat up in bed one evening, flipped on the laptop and began to do some preliminary searching online for gift ideas. An hour later, I was still nowhere. I posed the question to James, and he came up with nothing either. Over the next few days I started talking with friends who have boys older than mine, to find out what the toys with staying power really are. I got a few good suggestions, but nothing quite right for my little guys. Up until at least the age of 5, there was nothing that was really going to have the kind of staying power I wanted to spend money on.
Eventually I did decide on one thing - I wasn't going to buy everything brand new. Although our budget could certainly handle the expense, I just couldn't see the point in spending that much money on toys that wouldn't hold their interest for more than a year or two. And so, with much trepidation, I hit the "online garage sales" of Craig's List and Kijiji. Personally, I can't stand these sites. There is so much sifting through garbage, so many "hits" for each search, so few people close enough to make it worth the drive, and so many items listed for way more than they are worth second hand! Nevertheless, in the spirit of the old tale "long walk part of gift," I dove into the murky online world and started searching.
So far, I have had a bit of success. I've figured out a few things to get: a couple of toys, a couple of movies, a couple of more practical things. Again, even with a budget that would allow a little more extravagance, a mountain of presents is not what we want our focus of Christmas to be, and so as parents we are practicing a good amount of restraint. The ideas are finally starting to cement in my mind, and the first few items have been purchased already. My favourite part of this whole process is storing the gifts in bags in the basement, wandering down every so often to "take stock" of what I have, thinking about each person who will recieve the gift and what it will mean to them.
With our baby on the way, I will be certain to have most of the shopping down in the next month or so. Gratefully most of our family members feel much the same as we do, and so there isn't a huge amount of gift shopping to be done; just a few thoughtful presents to show our love of those near and dear to us, something that will truly be appreciated as more than a gift card or an envelope full of cash.
Hmmm...now that I'm Christmas shopping, does that give me permission to open up my box of Christmas music yet? I'm thinking yes...
Monday, 12 October 2009
"The Monster at the end of this book"
Going through some of the last boxes my parents left here, I stumbled upon an old favourite book from my childhood: "The Monster at the End of this Book." I think I actually let out a squeal of joy when my fingers touched upon it. If you have never read it, it "stars" Grover from Sesame Street, and he talks directly to the reader as you read, pleading that you stop turning the pages because that is bringing you closer to the monster that is at the end of the book.
As with any beloved childhood memory, I was eager to share it with my boys, and a little apprehensive about their reaction also. Would they enjoy it as I had? Or would they find it utterly boring? As it turned out, this lovable "classic" was just as much a hit with them as it was with me. Each page brought an eruption of giggles, and I had barely turned the last page when they demanded to read it again...and again...and again. Now, Colin loves books and will sit and read book after book with you, but rarely has he insisted on the same book over and over again. My heart is filled with delight at this shared experience.
Another found treasure that also brought a squeal of joy: "Charlotte's Web." I'll have to wait a year or two to start reading chapters from that, but my excitement is bubbling over with imaginations of sitting beside my boys, tucked into bed, and drinking in the characters and stories with whom I shared my own childhood.
As with any beloved childhood memory, I was eager to share it with my boys, and a little apprehensive about their reaction also. Would they enjoy it as I had? Or would they find it utterly boring? As it turned out, this lovable "classic" was just as much a hit with them as it was with me. Each page brought an eruption of giggles, and I had barely turned the last page when they demanded to read it again...and again...and again. Now, Colin loves books and will sit and read book after book with you, but rarely has he insisted on the same book over and over again. My heart is filled with delight at this shared experience.
Another found treasure that also brought a squeal of joy: "Charlotte's Web." I'll have to wait a year or two to start reading chapters from that, but my excitement is bubbling over with imaginations of sitting beside my boys, tucked into bed, and drinking in the characters and stories with whom I shared my own childhood.
Friday, 9 October 2009
"I have confidence in me"
I'm taking part in a women's bible study this fall that has really surprised me in what I learned about myself. The study is called "Me, myself and lies," its focus being to erase the lies we as women tell ourselves and replace it with truth. The first week involved looking into your own personal "thought closet" to see what was in there - what are the things you tell yourself? What are the negative "I am" statements that are lurking there? What surprised me is that I found my negative thought closet completely empty.
I know my parents worked overtime as I was growing up to make sure I had a positive self-image. But only upon this week of self-discovery did I realize just how well they had succeeded. I have heard told many times that we as women are our hardest critics, that we hold onto these negative labels either given by others or ourselves. "I am not smart" "I am not pretty" "I am not capable" "I am fat" "I am no good" "I am not as good as so-and-so" "I am an idiot" "I am a klutz" "I am not athletic"...the list goes on and on. I stared in front of my blank page as I searched for that lie of a label that I was "always telling myself". And there was nothing there.
I was suddenly awash in grattitude for my parents. I know I'm not the best in every aspect of my life. I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, or the smartest, or the most talented at (fill in the blank). The reality of life is that there is always going to be someone higher up each comparative ladder we climb. But my own personal self-esteem was never built through comparison, which is why I think I never clung to any labels. If I see someone who has achieved something desirable, I simply put my mind to doing it myself. My parents also instilled an amazing sense of confidence in me: they always told me that I could do anything, and I always believed them.
I think the other large part of this confidence stemmed from my upbringing in my faith. Right from an infant I was taught that I was of infinite worth, of divine nature, a precious creation of God, and that nothing God creates is ugly or wrong or garbage. God is good, all that he created is good, and that is a piece of truth I can own my whole life. Every person is created differently, and we work together because of our differences. Somehow there has developed a human tendency to climb for superiority by pushing others down; instead I have always been taught that I can reach the greatest heights as I help others around me climb as well.
I was a little embarassingly aware of the seeming pride in my confidence as I conversed with my study group; and yet I realized the uniqueness of the outcome of my childhood and teen years, and wanted to give the deserving credit to my parents. The most valuable lesson I learned is that with all the worries I have as a parent about how my children will turn out, success really is possible.
I know my parents worked overtime as I was growing up to make sure I had a positive self-image. But only upon this week of self-discovery did I realize just how well they had succeeded. I have heard told many times that we as women are our hardest critics, that we hold onto these negative labels either given by others or ourselves. "I am not smart" "I am not pretty" "I am not capable" "I am fat" "I am no good" "I am not as good as so-and-so" "I am an idiot" "I am a klutz" "I am not athletic"...the list goes on and on. I stared in front of my blank page as I searched for that lie of a label that I was "always telling myself". And there was nothing there.
I was suddenly awash in grattitude for my parents. I know I'm not the best in every aspect of my life. I know I'm not the prettiest person in the world, or the smartest, or the most talented at (fill in the blank). The reality of life is that there is always going to be someone higher up each comparative ladder we climb. But my own personal self-esteem was never built through comparison, which is why I think I never clung to any labels. If I see someone who has achieved something desirable, I simply put my mind to doing it myself. My parents also instilled an amazing sense of confidence in me: they always told me that I could do anything, and I always believed them.
I think the other large part of this confidence stemmed from my upbringing in my faith. Right from an infant I was taught that I was of infinite worth, of divine nature, a precious creation of God, and that nothing God creates is ugly or wrong or garbage. God is good, all that he created is good, and that is a piece of truth I can own my whole life. Every person is created differently, and we work together because of our differences. Somehow there has developed a human tendency to climb for superiority by pushing others down; instead I have always been taught that I can reach the greatest heights as I help others around me climb as well.
I was a little embarassingly aware of the seeming pride in my confidence as I conversed with my study group; and yet I realized the uniqueness of the outcome of my childhood and teen years, and wanted to give the deserving credit to my parents. The most valuable lesson I learned is that with all the worries I have as a parent about how my children will turn out, success really is possible.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Random bits
Colin: "I wish Heavenly Father lived in our home."
***
When Caleb wakes up, he runs into our bedroom and pronounces: "All done (sleeping)!"
***
My nausea is taking another turn for the worse. Oh, and I am now suffering from migraines, but without the headache part. My only symptom: blindness. Not darkness, but everything in my field of vision becomes these wavy lines. I can still maneuver around the house, seeing through a small clear spot in the centre. But let me tell you - VERY SCARY the first few times it happened! Each episode lasts about an hour, after which I have a very mild headache. Worst part is I can't really do any driving more than around town, in case I have an episode and have to pull over!
***
Colin is (finally) on the road to toilet training. He is doing great when in underwear at home. I still send him in pull-ups to school, because he isn't quite that dependent yet, but I'm hoping that after this next week (no school until next Wednesday) he'll be good to go! Yay!
***
I am a wandering nomad in the land of literature. It's been over a week since I finished my last book and I haven't found anything I'm ready to sink my teeth into. I've thumbed through four or five different books, but nothing is sticking. Luckily "Walden" is seeing me through for just before bedtime, but I'm beginning to feel the effects of starvation...
***
Caleb appears to have the same spatial awareness that Colin has. He is already directing me around town. He completes puzzles without looking at either the piece or the space - he just remembers where they all go (even after only doing the puzzle once). Nothing is ever "out of sight, out of mind" - he can always remember where things were put or left.
***
Only nine weeks until I'm considered full term. That's not that long. Really - this is the first time I've truly felt like the end is in sight. I officially transferred from my doctor's prenatal care to the obstetrician today.
***
***
When Caleb wakes up, he runs into our bedroom and pronounces: "All done (sleeping)!"
***
My nausea is taking another turn for the worse. Oh, and I am now suffering from migraines, but without the headache part. My only symptom: blindness. Not darkness, but everything in my field of vision becomes these wavy lines. I can still maneuver around the house, seeing through a small clear spot in the centre. But let me tell you - VERY SCARY the first few times it happened! Each episode lasts about an hour, after which I have a very mild headache. Worst part is I can't really do any driving more than around town, in case I have an episode and have to pull over!
***
Colin is (finally) on the road to toilet training. He is doing great when in underwear at home. I still send him in pull-ups to school, because he isn't quite that dependent yet, but I'm hoping that after this next week (no school until next Wednesday) he'll be good to go! Yay!
***
I am a wandering nomad in the land of literature. It's been over a week since I finished my last book and I haven't found anything I'm ready to sink my teeth into. I've thumbed through four or five different books, but nothing is sticking. Luckily "Walden" is seeing me through for just before bedtime, but I'm beginning to feel the effects of starvation...
***
Caleb appears to have the same spatial awareness that Colin has. He is already directing me around town. He completes puzzles without looking at either the piece or the space - he just remembers where they all go (even after only doing the puzzle once). Nothing is ever "out of sight, out of mind" - he can always remember where things were put or left.
***
Only nine weeks until I'm considered full term. That's not that long. Really - this is the first time I've truly felt like the end is in sight. I officially transferred from my doctor's prenatal care to the obstetrician today.
***
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
More from Thoreau
I picked up "Walden" again last night, for a few more pages on some thought-provoking insight. He wrote of the beauty of each new day dawning, each morning being a chance to lift ourselves higher than yesterday. Somehow the dawn of a new day speaks to artists; I certainly have experienced this. I have been at my most creative when I have taken an early morning hike through the wilderness of a forest, letting the early light fall on my shoulders and awaken my mind and spirit.
He also had a humourous passage about the nonsense that is news today (it applied 150 years ago, and I think rings even truer today). Who has decided that murders, car crashes, accidents, disasters and such are news? Sure, they are tragedies, but they really are personal tragedies, affecting the lives of those directly involved. I feel it is nothing more than a sick form of voyeurism that we feel the need to watch images and hear the stories of these awful events. And besides - once I have seen one car accident scene, why do I need to see another, and another and another? This has not expanded my world view, challenged my ideas, or informed me about world and community events. The way I see it, these "news items" are no better than any of the other drivel on TV today. Thoreau makes the point that, other than a few items here and there, the news stories could have been written last week, last month, last year, and no one would suspect it. Argh. In case you can't tell, this is a real pet peave of mind, and I got a good chuckle out of the fact that we haven't seem to have progressed at all in this area in the last 150 years.
He also had a humourous passage about the nonsense that is news today (it applied 150 years ago, and I think rings even truer today). Who has decided that murders, car crashes, accidents, disasters and such are news? Sure, they are tragedies, but they really are personal tragedies, affecting the lives of those directly involved. I feel it is nothing more than a sick form of voyeurism that we feel the need to watch images and hear the stories of these awful events. And besides - once I have seen one car accident scene, why do I need to see another, and another and another? This has not expanded my world view, challenged my ideas, or informed me about world and community events. The way I see it, these "news items" are no better than any of the other drivel on TV today. Thoreau makes the point that, other than a few items here and there, the news stories could have been written last week, last month, last year, and no one would suspect it. Argh. In case you can't tell, this is a real pet peave of mind, and I got a good chuckle out of the fact that we haven't seem to have progressed at all in this area in the last 150 years.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Random bits
Tonight the boys were out late with us at a church function. When I finally wrangled them out the door about 8:30, Colin stopped in his tracks as he stepped outside.
"Wow, Mom, I can't believe my eyes! It's so dark! And look at the moon - it's sooo beautiful."
Has it really been that long since Colin has seen nighttime? (Summer means going to bed while the sun is still up) But it was a beautiful, clear, crisp fall night with a gloriously shining sun. I think he has inherited my love and awe of nature.
***
It was the neatest experience this afternoon to actually go out to the garden to pick carrots for the roast dinner I made. I popped the roast in the oven, peeled the potatoes, and then thought to myself: time to go get the carrots. Orange tops peeking out of the soil, green leaves reaching for the sky, slipping the large, fat carrots from the earth, being overwhelmed for the first time in my life at the real fragrant smell of carrots that hasn't been lost in transit to my grocery store. It was beautiful. I'm disappointed my tomato plants have died before I got a single tomato from them. The small, hard, green balls just sit there, taunting me, starting to rot. And I didn't realize that there is supposed to be a pumpkin already on my pumpkin plant, not just flowers. But the green onions I've been putting into my quesadillas were great, and these carrots have provided just enough inspiration to try again next year, under some closer tutelage from expert friends.
***
If you ask Caleb what he wants to eat, he says, without fail, in the following order:
Mac and Cheese
Cereal
Sausage rolls
***
I have just finished reading "The Question of God" - a collection of thoughts by C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud about their positions on theism (Lewis being the theist, Freud the atheist). I was astonished by the logical, intelligent and well-formed points of view of these two men. It was interesting to see Freud's dismal conclusion, that life sucks and then you die, so deal with it. He was a pessimist his whole life, but didn't see any other choice than to live in the miserable reality of atheism. With Lewis' writings, I was amazed to read such a logical explanation as to the existence of God. My own personal experiences are much more emotion-based, although I have a strong tendency to the logical side of things. It was neat to read how a "lazy atheist" eventually came to the conclusion that there must be a God. I hope to write in more detail about this book at another time, but in case "some day" never comes, I wanted to note that it is a fantastic read, one I would love to pick up again.
***
My parents are currently sailing to Australia. They will be back in December for the birth of our baby, and so really it seems like just an extended vacation. But I do miss already how often they were around. Colin and Caleb still tell us that "Pa will fix it" when a toy is broken. Caleb still looks for "Ma's van" out the window now and then. Travel has always been a huge part of who we are as a family, and so perhaps their absence will always seem impermanent, that they'll be back again soon.
***
The house is a disaster. Tomorrow should be cleaning day, but it's a PA day at school, so Colin is home, which makes it a lot more difficult. I am seriously considering calling a friend and inviting ourselves over for a morning playdate, while hoping a cleaning fairy stops by while I'm out.
"Wow, Mom, I can't believe my eyes! It's so dark! And look at the moon - it's sooo beautiful."
Has it really been that long since Colin has seen nighttime? (Summer means going to bed while the sun is still up) But it was a beautiful, clear, crisp fall night with a gloriously shining sun. I think he has inherited my love and awe of nature.
***
It was the neatest experience this afternoon to actually go out to the garden to pick carrots for the roast dinner I made. I popped the roast in the oven, peeled the potatoes, and then thought to myself: time to go get the carrots. Orange tops peeking out of the soil, green leaves reaching for the sky, slipping the large, fat carrots from the earth, being overwhelmed for the first time in my life at the real fragrant smell of carrots that hasn't been lost in transit to my grocery store. It was beautiful. I'm disappointed my tomato plants have died before I got a single tomato from them. The small, hard, green balls just sit there, taunting me, starting to rot. And I didn't realize that there is supposed to be a pumpkin already on my pumpkin plant, not just flowers. But the green onions I've been putting into my quesadillas were great, and these carrots have provided just enough inspiration to try again next year, under some closer tutelage from expert friends.
***
If you ask Caleb what he wants to eat, he says, without fail, in the following order:
Mac and Cheese
Cereal
Sausage rolls
***
I have just finished reading "The Question of God" - a collection of thoughts by C.S. Lewis and Sigmund Freud about their positions on theism (Lewis being the theist, Freud the atheist). I was astonished by the logical, intelligent and well-formed points of view of these two men. It was interesting to see Freud's dismal conclusion, that life sucks and then you die, so deal with it. He was a pessimist his whole life, but didn't see any other choice than to live in the miserable reality of atheism. With Lewis' writings, I was amazed to read such a logical explanation as to the existence of God. My own personal experiences are much more emotion-based, although I have a strong tendency to the logical side of things. It was neat to read how a "lazy atheist" eventually came to the conclusion that there must be a God. I hope to write in more detail about this book at another time, but in case "some day" never comes, I wanted to note that it is a fantastic read, one I would love to pick up again.
***
My parents are currently sailing to Australia. They will be back in December for the birth of our baby, and so really it seems like just an extended vacation. But I do miss already how often they were around. Colin and Caleb still tell us that "Pa will fix it" when a toy is broken. Caleb still looks for "Ma's van" out the window now and then. Travel has always been a huge part of who we are as a family, and so perhaps their absence will always seem impermanent, that they'll be back again soon.
***
The house is a disaster. Tomorrow should be cleaning day, but it's a PA day at school, so Colin is home, which makes it a lot more difficult. I am seriously considering calling a friend and inviting ourselves over for a morning playdate, while hoping a cleaning fairy stops by while I'm out.
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