Misbehaviours vs. Stress Behaviours

At a staff meeting the other night, we had training in the idea of misbehaviours versus stress behaviours. Misbehaviours are behaviours that the child knows are wrong, has the ability to control, but simply chooses not to. Stress behaviours are behaviours that result from stressors in the child's life.

Here's the brilliant part:

Misbehaviours require addressing the behaviour.
Stress behaviours require addressing the stressor.

The basic idea of this is well known. People know that when we are tired or hungry we can be irritable, short-tempered, curt, and sometimes even a little mean. Mothers know that sleep deprived children or hungry children act out. But we so often get caught up in the behaviour that we forget to look for what might be behind it.

We studied a list of example stressors in 5 domains: biological, social, prosocial, emotional and cognitive. Here's the crazy part: there were about 60 different examples of stressors in each domain. That's over 300 examples of things that often tip people over the edge.

I scanned through the list, and immediately things started jumping out at me:

Biological:
Being hungry
Red lights
Chapped lips
Being cold
Insufficient solitude and quiet
Loud chewing/gum chewing
Too many things hanging in a classroom

Social:
Large social settings
Engaging in small talk and not really connecting at a meaningful level
Competition

Prosocial:
Being late
When your partner is stressed

Emotional:
(none really)

Cognitive:
Information presented too slowly
Lack of intellectual stimulation
Multitasking


These are all stressors that, if happen too often, get me into a "not great mood." Luckily, many of these I'm aware of, and when they start to happen I know how to deal with the stressor so that I don't start to "misbehave" (be irritable, short-tempered, become confrontational, pick on small things).

Dealing with a stressor isn't a "get out of jail free" card in regards to bad behaviour. We cannot condone the bad behaviour even if there is a reason behind it. But we do need to teach our kids to identify their stressor and deal with it appropriately, by removing it/themselves, or by using a healthy coping strategy. Because the reality is a certain amount of stressors are healthy and always going to be around.

So here's the golden nugget in all this: when I'm not happy with the behaviour of my kids, I need to stop and ask myself, do I need to deal with a behaviour or a stressor?

Christmas traditions

I was part of a conversation the other day on Christmas traditions, and all I could think was "that just sounds like more work." Christmas for me is a time to unwind, hibernate by a fire, drink hot chocolate, cuddle in warm blankets with my family and curl up with books.  Then I felt a little sad because I thought "I wonder if we're missing out?"

But sometimes those knee-jerk reactions are just because we have such a narrow definition of something. Someone talks about home-cooked roast Sunday dinners and we think "how come I don't do that?" But if we pause, we might realize that Sunday dinners does happen - maybe it's not a roast, maybe it's grilled cheese and tomato soup, but it's still everyone together.

I don't do big decorations or fancy meals at Christmastime. We don't go for our own real tree or get photos done. But we do have some great things we like to do, and, not surprisingly, they aren't decorative but instead or artsy.

We always kick off with the Santa Claus parade, but lately that usually means marching in it. From soccer to our church to our school, we have participated in a few different floats over the years. Then, sometime between the 21st and 24th we join a live Nativity play as Shepherds or Roman soldiers or townspeople and bring the Christmas story to life for thousands of people in a neighbouring city.

Finally, squeezed between December 1 and December 24, we usually have a plethora of concerts. Yes, the most dominating tradition in our home is music, and I love that. This year we have 13 concerts in 3 weeks and I love it. Multiple choirs, a talent show, school concerts, community band, ukulele club, canatas - all of us are involved in multiple programs. This is where I realized our true family traditions are taking root. Music is a huge part of James' and my life, and while we have neglected the formal music training of our children, they have grown up seeing concerts, rehearsals and the like. I hope that they will always remember the message and beauty of the Christmas music in their young lives.