Family Tree

The old nature and nurture question has been brewing in my mind today.

I have many different friends, all with different views on life, ways to build a home and raise their family. They have different ideas on faith, how we got here and where we're going. I love to get a glimpse into their lives and see who they are and what they are becoming. Most of all I love to see the gentle evolution of self. As they learn and grow and read and ponder, each one is developing new ideas to incorporate into how they spend each day of this life they have been given.

I see in them qualities I admire. I see the battles I fight daily that they seem to have already won. I see concepts they are grasping and planting deep within, and often wish I had the same root.

I see homes that are fun, homes that are peaceful, homes that are creative, homes that are educational, homes that are always busy and homes that retreat into family life. Of course most of them are balanced, but each family has a particular characteristic that emerges as a sort of defining element. I wonder how my family is seen, not out of fear of being judged or of not measuring up, but more out of curiosity and clarity. Amid my whirlwind, what is rising to the surface? I find it impossible to wade through the chaos to look in from the outside and see.

Are nature (parental genetic code) and nurture (parental influence) the only influences? Both of these have a large parental aspect, which seems to leave out both individual personality and evolving growth. Can I ever integrate a new quality that I see in another friend or family? Or are the influencing factors of nature and nurture simply too strong to ever accommodate a more drastic change of direction? Will I only ever be able to achieve an imitation of the deep-seeded natural characteristics I admire?

Can I ever have a home with more peace, with a family of first-born, out-going, natural-born leaders? Or am I fighting a losing battle, and should simply embrace the chaos and energy and spend my time channeling it?

How much do we really change from our long family line? If history doesn't repeat itself, I've certainly heard that it rhymes. Will I one day meet a family in my ancestry who seems just like a reflection in a mirror?

New music

I'm learning to play the flute. For the longest time I've been wanting to learn an instrument that would be more portable than the piano. I played the clarinet for years, but I really wanted to learn something practical like the guitar (great for camping), or sweeping beauty like the violin, or delicate like the flute.

Well, a friend of mine mentioned she has two flutes, and graciously loaned one to me. And I am loving it!

The most difficult part is mastering how to blow air across the flute. My friend will drop in next week to pass on some advice, however it's really going to be just a matter of practice. Thankfully the fingering is close to the clarinet, so it didn't take long for me to pick that up. And because I already play the piano and clarinet, and have basic trumpet and saxophone, adding another instrument is easier than it sounds.

That being said, just to pat my own back a little, I was able to play a few songs during that first half hour of practice! And now after four days (I get about 10-15 minutes a day to practice) I actually have been through 15 or 20 different songs! Now, they aren't all perfect, but they all do sound recognizable. My dad walked in the other day (not knowing about my new instrument) and thought I had a friend over practicing a flute/piano duet (with me obviously on piano!).

I am glad that it did come so easy, however. Between the previous few moments of time to practice, and my natural weakness to give up on anything that doesn't come quickly (a character flaw common to most gifted learners, I've recently learned), I think if I wasn't getting any sound out of the thing yet I might not be as motivated to continue.

I hope to perform for a music number at church sometime in the future (that will still be a while away!), but for now I'm just absolutely loving the floating melodies filling the air.

Guilty Pleasures

It's that time of year when the world falls in love
Every song you hear seems to say
"Merry Christmas, may your New Year Dreams come true!"
And this old rhyme in 3/4 time
Wishes you and yours
The same thing too.

Christmas is my favourite time of year. There's just something about the snow and the music and the light step in people's gait. There's the time spent with loved ones and the bounteous tables of food and the aromas of holiday baking.

I love the memories of Christmases past - decades past - of sleigh rides and Christmas balls with waltzes and long elegant red coats trimmed with white fur.

And there's the decorations.

I love to roam the stores and peruse the catalogues to take in the Christmas decorations. I love the bows and lights and wreaths and trees. I love the Christmas dish sets and table decor. I love candles burning and holly and mistletoe.

I see the displays and flip through the pages and just wish that I could buy it all up and deck the house from top to bottom. I wish I could host dinner parties and music concerts and Christmas celebrations and do it all in style. I know that I could hold all these events surrounded by family and friends and miss nothing of the joy it would bring by missing the abundance of decorations. But they're so pretty!

It would be a guilty pleasure of mine to buy up these decorations by the bagful. "Guilty" because I'm in this place right now where I'm learning the difference between need and want, and much about the great needs (not wants) around the world and even in my own city. My new motto of simplicity twinges me with guilt when I think about indulging in this pleasure, especially since it's only for one month of the year.

And yet...wouldn't it be beautiful, even if only for a short time...

Go hug your children

This week, two good friends have shared very personal and very scary stories with me about events their children underwent. One friend's son is 17 years old, and upon hearing her story I came home and cherished the ages of my kids right now, that although there is a big world out there, for the time being they are under my protection most of the day. The other child is Colin's age, and all I wanted to do was go wake up Colin and give hold him all night. It was 10pm and I wasn't about to actually wake him up, but I longed to envelop him in my arms.

But our kids are so often in tune with what we need. Colin has only woken up in the night a handful of times since he was an infant. But last night within half an hour of hearing my friend's story and me raising my need to hold him to the heavens, I heard this tiny voice calling my name. "Mommy? Are you there? I need a hug."

I rushed into Colin's room and scooped him up, pressing my cheek against his and breathing his smell in deeply. In no time at all he snuggled back into bed, with no fuss. 6 hours later, at four in the morning, that little voice woke me from my slumber. "Mommy? Daddy? Are you there?" James went in this time, but nothing would settle Colin. Eventually he crept into bed with James and I, something he's only done once before. "I just want to hug you, Mommy," he whispered as he cuddled up between us and drifted off to sleep.

***

Thank you, Lord, for your ever watchful eye over us.
Help me remember that you are Lord over the Storm.
Call me back to you, and shelter my trembling body
and weakening belief.
Fill me with faith to wash away my doubt.
I feel only peace when I am hidden in the shadow of your wings.
I am yours.


***

"At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you."
(John 14:20)

***

"Under His wings, O what precious enjoyment!
There will I hide till life's trials are o'er;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me;
Resting in Jesus I'm safe evermore
(William Cushing, "Under His Wings I Am Safely Abiding)

Hallowe'en

An interesting day today. The weather is beautiful out - blue sky, shining sun, and warm enough to toss the jacket. It's Hallowe'en and there are a ton of different fun things we could have done today. Could have done.

Unfortunately, we lost out entire morning to an orange. An orange! The morning started out well enough as the boys knowingly awoke just as James was pulling out of the driveway. Breakfast was uneventful, and Colin even asked to get dressed (clothes are a daily battle in our home). I threw on a movie for Colin while I put Caleb down for his morning nap (he'd been up early) and then came down to grab a quick 20 minute nap while Colin's movie finished. I had just lied down when Colin asked for an orange (clementine). I peeled and sectioned it, put it in a container and lied back down. 10 minutes later Colin told me to go get him another orange. Anticipating this, I had put an extra one on the table within his reach. I told him to bring it to me.

He burst into tears and yelled at me to go get it. I insisted he bring it to me. And so back and forth and back and forth we went. I'm trying to help him learn to do some more things on his own, and also that demanding I do anything will result in nothing.

He screamed and yelled and cried for half an hour. When I was done my "nap", I went to get myself a snack, and so I offered to peel the orange at the table.

Colin burst into tears. He didn't want me to peel it in the kitchen, but in the living room. He took the prepared orange slices and tossed them at the fridge. He cried for another half an hour. Caleb woke up and I went to get him. I offered to take the boys out somewhere. But Colin was fixated on this orange thing!

Still crying, Colin then picked up the slices and placed them at James' seat at the table. "That's Daddy's orange. Make me a new one." So back and forth we went about how the orange would dry up if left there, how it was perfectly fine for him to eat, and how he cannot demand anything of me. He cried for another half an hour, demanding a new orange.

Then I ate "Daddy's orange." More screaming, yelling and tears. I got Caleb dressed and pronounced us ready to go out, if Colin chose. Distracted just long enough, the waterworks ceased. Colin asked politely for an orange. I graciously gave him one.

Two hours we lost to the orange. All morning, essentially. We sang some songs and played some games and soon enough it was lunch time. And the gorgeous day laid to waste.

***

Tonight we are taking Colin trick-or-treating, although I think his excitement is really only stemming from ours. He's going as a firefighter, thank goodness. For the month leading up, the only thing he wanted to be was "Thomas the Tank Engine", and I'm not that good with crafts! But he saw this costume in the store and got really excited, so I snatched it up. It's a size 8, but I just cut the coat to fit him, and he's happy as a lark. Caleb is going as...nothing. We borrowed a costume when Colin was 1. Several times I had really cute costumes in my hand to buy for Caleb (a pumpkin, a caterpillar, Tigger), but each time I realized that dressing up a one year old is really only for the parents, and there was no need to spend the money. So although we'll all go out tonight, Colin will be the only one dressed up. We'll only go out for a block or two, but it's amazing the haul young toddlers can get! For some reason people see a cute two year old and think he needs a whole handful of candy rather than just one piece!

***

Postscript - once the boys got up from a good long nap, their humours were much better. We had a fantastic 30 minute outside, where Caleb spent the whole time trying to sweep leaves and a reluctant Colin got excited about a new toy I'm building him. It's incomplete, (there are houses and a fire station and an airport, plus sides and legs for the table!) but he loved it anyway.

Sleep

Sleep is a word that has not been in our vocabulary this past year. We've struggled since day one with trying to get Caleb to sleep well, which of course would result in me sleeping well. And more than just trying to get enough sleep to be able to function, a lack of sleep in Caleb also makes him very temperamental, prone to crying fits and being generally unhappy. Those few times when his smile and laughter break out, he's such a joy. But all too often he is suffering in more ways than one because of his lack of sleep.

We've been working on this since birth. I've read countless sleep books, surfed websites, talked with our doctor and even a baby sleep specialist. None of these resources were able to help us with why Caleb has difficulty sleeping, which makes it especially hard to fix the problem!

Finally, however, I stumbled across one small paragraph in yet another book about sleep that seems to pinpoint his troubles precisely:

Issue: He hasn't learned how to fall back asleep on his own
Solution: Babies with poorer self soothing skills and more challenging temperaments may tend to wake up when they enter periods of light sleep. These transitions occur about once every 60 minutes. That's a lot of opportunities for a baby to wake up each night. If there's anything else that disturbs them as they make this transition - hunger, noise, cold, wetness - it's game over in terms of baby's sleep and yours.

Four things:

1. Finally seeing something about temperament included was a relief. I always thought this was a big part of the problem, and seeing it acknowledged felt like I was finally getting somewhere. Caleb is easily frustrated and hates being ignored or put down during the day - add the frustration of being woken up and it's a nightmare!

2. The 60-minute sleep cycle makes perfect sense. Caleb's daytime naps were always only one hour. But after a little bit he'd be super-cranky again. Now when he wakes after the hour I just put him back down and he gets the second hour that he really needs. His night wakings are also always on the hour (ie: if he goes to bed at 7:30pm, he usually wakes at 10:30pm)

3. The "conditions" aspect finally explains why he sleeps through the night at my parents but is constantly waking here. They live further out in the country, in a completely quiet neighbourhood, where he sleeps in a dark room with well-controlled heat. Here there are cars that drive by through the night, plus the vent to his room is shared with Colin's room, so noise travels easier. There is no return in his room so the temperature is difficult to control. He also hates a wet diaper during the day, insisting on being changed as soon as he wets it, and often is woken by a wet diaper at night.

4. I was not pleased to read this paragraph and find out that their conclusion to the solution was "game over". What kind of an answer is that?! Too bad, so sad, nothing you can do. Well, I guess it's true. The answer is to do the best we can to control what we can and hope for the best.

Although nothing is really solved, per se, it's at least nice to have some answers. I also found some ideas on how to break Caleb of the habit of needing to nurse to fall asleep. That, of course, is my own doing in resorting to feeding to calm him down. Unfortunately, because of his temperament and how easily his senses are stimulated by sound (singing, shushing), sight (someone in the room), smell (milk), and touch (being held, rocking, rubbing his back), nursing is the only thing that actually calms him down, whereas all these other things only wake him up more.

And so, our days and nights go on. We pray for sleep to come soon, as Caleb grows and hopefully outgrows some of these habits. I keep reminding myself that one day he'll be a teenage boy who we won't be able to drag from bed at noon. One day.

Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy

I love discovering new-old hymns. There is a lot of fantastic new and inspirational Christian music, but there is something enduring in the hymns of years gone by. Every so often I become acquainted with an old hymn whose poetry touches my heart.

"Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy" is one I've come across lately.

The words and melody are beautiful, but it was the story behind the song that impressed me. The hymn was written by Philip Paul Bliss after hearing a sermon about the Cleveland harbour.
On dark, stormy nights, although the lighthouse burned bright, it was of great importance that the lower lights of the town along the shoreline be light. Although the lighthouse could guide the boat in the general direction, the lower lights enabled the boats to navigate the rocky channel. The sermon was concluded with this admonishment:

"Brethren, the Master will take care of the great light-house; let us keep the lower lights burning."

And so, the words to this mid-19th century hymn were penned.

Brightly beams our Father's mercy from His lighthouse evermore,
But to us He gives the keeping of the lights along the shore.
Let the lower lights be burning! Send a gleam across the wave!
Some poor fainting, struggling seaman you may rescue, you may save.


(Aside: just as I wrote the title of the hymn above, Colin started singing the song to himself while he is playing! There is much simplicity and beauty in being taught spiritual truths through music.)