All emotional and such

I know I'm all emotional and such with pregnancy, but this is really hard. Really, really hard. I mean, James and I really feel strongly about this little baby, but somehow I hoped that maybe this time I would react differently. I have a friend who had three terrible pregnancies with her boys, and then a dream of a time while pregnant with her little girl. It's not that I'm wishing for a girl, I just wanted a little break.

But, true to history, this one is even worse than the last. Each one got progressively worse. This time I can't stop throwing up. I'm so hungry my stomach constantly growls. This time my entire digestive system is in so much pain I dissolve in tears. As I crawled on the kitchen floor the other day trying to get ready for lunch, tears poured down my face and Benjamin just looked at me with those sad, compassionate eyes and I could tell he didn't understand why his mommy was crying. I don't know if he's ever seen me cry. He was so confused, and he started to whimper and cry a little, and it broke my heart, and all I could do was lie on the floor with him.

Now we don't even know if the pregnancy is viable. The doctor couldn't see a heartbeat at the ultrasound. Granted, at 6 weeks 4 days she said it's possibly too early, but maybe not. I have to wait another 5 weeks before she's going to do another one. And I don't know if I can wait that long, endure this pain for that long, if there's not even a baby there.

And the hard part is knowing that supposedly, this is the "easy" part of the illness; generally it is the worst between 8 and 12 weeks. I don't even know if my poor body or my mind can hold on that long.