Healing

May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

***

I knew the answer in my heart, and that was enough for me.

I wanted to do some reading about miscarriages, reading about ways to cope, and how other people felt after one. I spent only minutes reading, because everything that I came across talked about the time it took to grieve the loss. People wrote about how they marked the day they lost the baby, and about how this little angel would never be a part of their family. They spoke of the terrible life-long loss, how something was always missing. Some wrote about how they long to see this baby again in the next life.

I didn't feel the same. Something in me told me that this little soul wasn't lost forever. In fact, it wasn't even really lost for long at all. What I felt was that the spirit of my baby was still waiting up there in heaven. The body whose creation had been started needed to be ended, but another body would form again very soon. And that little spirit is still waiting to come down to me. I will see him or her very soon, will rock her little body or hold his tiny fingers. I didn't feel the need to grieve a child lost from this life forever.

Although the tears still come, although I still feel a vague sense of emptiness in my body, I'm in fact looking forward to the next short while when once again I'll have that little body growing inside of me. The experience is heartbreaking, and I'm sure come July I will wonder at the idea that my little one might have arrived during the warm sunny days of summer. But my baby is up there, waiting for me, and so the only thing truly lost for me is a little time.