I had an interesting experience last week.
I was feeling all tapped out. Wednesday I wrote about how motherhood has been really hard lately and how Juliette has been using up all my attention and energy. Thursday morning in my small women's bible study group I poured out my heart a little more, praying for an answer. Within half an hour of getting home, the phone rang.
It was an friend from high school, someone who has been doing video work since university, with whom I did a small pro bono video a couple of years ago. As it turns out, the professional cinematographer from that video shoot was looking for an Assistant Director and remembered that he liked my work ethic. He called my friend, who called me.
All of a sudden I was being offered a small job, 4-5 days over a two week period. Then as we chatted more, it turned out they were also looking for a screenwriter, which I also had experience doing. I got off the phone pumped. I knew that daycare might take some juggling, but I also knew that many families have to work out daycare.
It seemed to be the perfect solution, and no doubt an answer to a desperate prayer. In 5 days of work I could earn a month's wage, I could get out of the house a little, and Juliette could spend some time with someone other than me. (This would also be good preparation for when James and I are away for two and a half weeks in June. Juliette has rarely spent any time without me around.)
I dove into the script immediately since the job was a last minute thing (starting this week). That part was easy. I was a little apprehensive about the daycare. I found a university student willing to come watch Juliette in our home. But was going out to work what I really wanted? Or was this a case of God giving in to what I wanted, even though it might not be right. I started questioning, doubting. If I have the luxury of staying at home, shouldn't I want to do that? Was this just a case of things getting hard and needing to endure? Or was this actually a good thing for me?
Alas, after five days, it all fell apart. The client cancelled the video. The director called me from New York with the news. Hopefully I will be compensated for the script, but anything further is a no-go. After it all, the experience has caused me to pause and reflect on the event, the circumstances, and my emotions.
I think that a few days a month of work, of some sort, will do me good. My good friend does daycare in her home, and would gladly take Juliette a few mornings a month. Initially I thought I would just work on some projects in the evening, but I realized that as a morning person, I'm toast by 8pm. I just don't have it in me to be productive at the end of the day. But first thing in the morning I am raring to go.
I have a few ideas, including some writing and a couple other leads. If another video shoot came up I would probably try to work it out. Hopefully as Juliette grows and her demands decrease I won't feel so depleted at home and desiring to get out. But for now, these few days just might be what I need to restore my sanity.