Yes, that crazy lady was me

When I pulled up to Caleb's nursery school this morning on my bike with the bike trailer behind me with two kids inside, a friend rolled down her car window and admired "I can't even begin to be you!"

I laughed, and admitted that this was the first time I'd been on my bike since I was 16, I was drenched head to toe in sweat, had only come from around the corner, and had already gotten off to walk two hills. It made her feel better.

This morning, it was my intention to finally get onto my bike during the good weather. I can walk anywhere in town in 45 minutes, so I should be able to bike in about 20 minutes. Benjamin is old enough to wear a helmut and ride in it, and while Colin is in school I only have two kids at home, which is what the trailer can hold.

I biked Caleb to nursery school, then went to a downtown store with Benjamin. It was closed so we biked to the park for a bit, then back to the store, then back home with my new drum that was bigger and heavier than Benjamin (more about that later.)

Benjamin did not like the helmut at all. He screamed and tugged at it all the time, and I don't blame him. He doesn't understand why he has to wear it, plus it's about 40 degrees out there and those things are hot! His hair was matted beneath it in about five minutes. I don't know whether to be grateful he doesn't like it (and use that as an excuse not to bike) or sad (because I like the idea of biking.)

Either way, I need a lot more practice on the bike with the trailer. Our town is really hilly, which you don't realize until you are on a bike pulling a trailer with 60 pounds of kids in the back. There are almost no flat stretches anywhere. And there are a lot of stop signs, which kill any momentum you get going downhill.

I much prefer walking. I've got a great carrier and good strollers. More than likely I'll opt for walking in the future. But if you see that crazy lady walking her bike and hauling 60 pounds in a trailer, yep - that's me!

Challenges

Ever look at someone else's life and just think "wow, I could never do that." Let me tell you, there are some real heroes of women out there. Some I know personally, some I know through blogs, some are relatives who live far away. There are just so many challenges out there.

There are also some people who seem to have it all together. Okay, I know life can't be all smiles all the time, but I truly think that there are moments (extended moments, more like periods) in people's lives when things are running fairly smoothly. Ever look at their lives and think "wow, I could never do that."

Which brings me to the idea that my life truly is tailored to me. I'm sure some people look at the lack of sleep I have had in the past 5 years and wonder how I'm still standing on two feet. (I have had less than 10 full night sleeps, and can't remember the last time I wasn't getting up at least every 3 hours. It was at least 2 1/2 years ago.) I'm sure some people see my family on a good day when Benjamin is all smiles and Caleb is being compassionate and Colin is leading a game and think my boys are perfectly behaved. The truth is somewhere in the middle of all the mess.

But I'm learning to love my mess. It's hard, it's true. But a profound statement hit me this past week in a book I read. If we are always trying to hide the mess, then we are being hypocrites, exactly the characteristic Jesus so condemned in the Pharisees. I read the statement and it hit me right between the eyes: I am so hypocritical. I love to present the face that I've got it all together. But honestly, what purpose does that serve? If I was sick and went to the doctor, what good would it do to pretend I was well? You can't get better if you don't admit there's something wrong.

So my life is messy. I wouldn't say my life is a mess, that has so many negative connotations about it. But my life is gloriously messy. I hope that one day the mess will gradually sort itself out, but that can only happen if I actually acknowledge it is there in the first place. Sweeping it all under the bed won't help get it all in order.

I think, maybe I'll start to see the first light once my youngest is about 3. I look at Caleb and see that although there are still many challenges to a three year old, at least you can work with a three year old. At least they sleep at night and you can reason with them during the day. You can leave them for two minutes to go to the bathroom, or put a movie on to take a shower, or go out for an hour with them melting down.

When my youngest is three, everyone will be school age. If they are at school, I will be there, volunteering in their classes, and (hopefully) running school music and/or drama programs.

When my youngest is three, I will be more free to pursue some of my own passions. I will be able to be someone apart from my identity as mother. Although I truly believe that being a mom is the most honourable calling in the world, I also acknowledge my own need to be the other parts of me also.

When my youngest is three, a babysitter will be able to handle the kids, which means more regular time alone with my honey.

When my youngest is three, all the kids will be the perfect age for sports, camping, biking and hiking - my areas of specialty!

But right now, my kids are 1, 3, and 5, so I have a few more years in the trenches. So if I'm going to get muddy in this mess, might as well dive in, right?

Just like that, an answered prayer

The book that I'm reading right now suggests writing down specific prayers in a prayer journal or on small note cards. This is not only a great way to remember so ongoing prayer requests you have, but the author also says that he checks off when prayers are answered.

It may seem an action a bit too obvious - I mean, if you're the one praying, you know when it's been answered. But the nice thing about this method is that you have a visual reminder of the myriad of answered prayers in your life.

I haven't started it yet, but if I had, I would have written a request down on Friday and had it answered on Saturday. I just finished reading through the book of John (thoroughly enjoying many parts of it, most especially chapter 8 where Jesus banters with the Pharisees and takes them down!) As I was relating some of what I read to James, I also lamented that I didn't have any friends who enjoyed scripture reading as a hobby, as I do. Sure, many of my friends read the scriptures in a spiritual sense, but I would join a bible interest group for the same reasons I have joined the community band. Unfortunately, I don't really know of such a group, and I've never sat around with my friends chatting over scripture the way I would love to.

Then, the very next night, a good friend came over to hang out for an hour or so after the kids went to bed. We had made plans to go out, but everything fell through and we decided just to cancel it all and try again next week. Then, just as I was pouring a bowl of cereal for my dinner (one of those days!) she called and said she still felt like getting together and could she come over.

When she arrived, I happened to be just finishing a chapter in the book of Hebrews. She asked what I was reading and I launched into a couple of things on my mind in relation to what I had been reading. What followed was about 45 minutes of discussion that was exactly what I had been craving the night earlier. Then, as my friend was leaving, she casually mentioned that next time we should coordinate a specific scripture passage, and we could discuss it at length together.

I had not specifically lifted up my request in prayer, but it was definitely a "prayer on my heart." How awesome is our amazing God that he heard that prayer and answered it so obviously within 24 hours. It is definitely good to not only write down that which we are praying for, but to also record the amazing ways in which He answers them.

Mothers of young children - finding the time

For the past five years I have found it really hard to set aside time for both prayer and scripture study. I have heard many talks and read many articles about how important it is to do both on a daily basis. Knowledge, spiritual maturity, and relationship with God all stagnate when we aren't regularly and actively praying and spending time in God's word. I always feel like I want to do more, and yet the constant demand on my time has been a major roadblock.

I have realize now that I needed a solution that was outside the traditional box of kneeling at one's bedside to pray, or setting aside a half hour at a table to read. For five years I have battled and struggled to instil these habits, and after five years I am no further ahead.

(Sidenote: These past four months or so, I have been blessed with both boys taking naps at the same time, while Colin is at school. I really wanted to complete this Beth Moore study and so I prayed that God would grant me that time, and I would use the time given me for study instead of some other frivolous pursuit. How great are the blessings God grants, since I was able to do 45 minutes 5 days a week, for 10 weeks.)

But this is only a new phenomenon for me, and I know that most young mothers are not lucky enough to have all their children at home nap at the same time every day, for a good length of time. So there had to be another solution. And I think I found it.

This has mainly to do with babies in the first year to year and a half, and especially when they are nursing. I have found that is the perfect time to both pray and read God's word.

First, prayer. This will involve a radical change on the way you think about praying. (I'm reading a great book on this right now, called "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller.) First, when you are nursing a baby, or rocking them to sleep, or pacing the floor, you can't exactly stop to kneel and pray. That's okay - you don't have to. You can speak what is on your heart to God just as well sitting in a rocking chair or walking the hallway as you can on your knees. The second problem you'll face is the wandering mind. When you are running on little sleep, it is really hard to focus your mind. So you need to let go of the preconceived notion of the formality of prayer. Yes, a properly laid out prayer has its place, whether it is the "I thank thee/I ask thee" format or the ACTS (adoration/confession/thanksgiving/supplication) method. But our Father in Heaven will also hear the messy prayers of a sleep-deprived mother. Here's a great quote from Paul Miller's book:

"Jesus coes not say, "Come to me, all you who have learned how to concentrate in prayer, whose minds no longer wander, and I will give you read." No, Jesus opens his arms to his needy children and says "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." The criteria for coming to Jesus tis weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy."

That was eye-opening for me. In the past, if I couldn't find uninterrupted, solo prayer time, I just didn't pray. Then I realized that I had all this time "alone" with a baby in arms, nursing in the middle of the night or rocking them to sleep before bedtime, and that could be used as prayer time. Let me assure you those prayers are messy. They are wandering. They meander. But they are never more heartfelt. I usually start with pleadings: the things I beg from my Father in heaven (like just one night where Benjamin sleeps through, or that my children's whining won't drive me crazy the next day.) After pouring my heart out, I start to feel that "peace that passes all understanding," and I feel able to move on. I start to confess my short-comings and sins, and plead for his grace to help me do better. Then, if I'm still going, I turn my mind to family, friends, neighbours, and nations who are also in need of my prayers.

You would be surprised at the result. First, sometimes I find myself sitting there long after my baby is finished nursing or has fallen asleep. Second, I somehow don't feel as tired or short-tempered with my baby. Prayer has that calming affect on me.

The second challenge scripture study. This I found particularly hard, because of how much I actually do like to read the scriptures. If I couldn't get some quality time at it, I just passed. With kids getting up before 6am, and a baby still waking every 3 hours at night, there was no way to get up early and do it. With a baby wanting to be on my all day, and a 3 and a 5 year old still needing a lot of my attention and help, I wasn't about to risk trying to pull out my scriptures during the day. They would be more likely to be torn, soiled and ruined than to be read. And once the kids were in bed, there was only a couple of hours to get all the housework, laundry, etc. done, plus spend a few moments connecting with my husband. There were just not enough hours in the day.

But once again - there was that time I was spending nursing/rocking the baby. Every 3 hours I was up for at least 15 minutes, usually more. Granted, it would be counter-productive to turn on a light, flip open your bible and try to study when you are trying to lull your baby back to sleep. Solution: mp3 player. All the scriptures are available online in audio format. Each week I would download a book, then leave the mp3 player in the side pocket of my rocking chair in the nursery. When I would come in to nurse, I would first pop in the earplugs, feed the wire down the back of my shirt, out of the way of clawing hands, and press play on the mp3 player. (Mine always remembered where I had powered off last time - instantly picking up where I had left off.) Then I would pick up the baby and nurse. Sometimes I nodded off. Sometimes I found it hard to concentrate. But at least I was hearing the word of God. Normally I am not a person who can remember anything spoken like that - I am a really visual learner. But I would offer a quick prayer that God would help something stick while I was listening. And amazingly, it did. Also amazing: how many chapters you get through in such a way!

So there it is: easy prayer and scripture study for nursing, sleep-deprived moms of young babies. Okay, I will grant you that nothing is ever easy. And I imagine each of you will have your own challenges even with this format. But perhaps it helps you to think outside the typical prayer/bible box to find a radically different solution that works for you, just like this one did for me. Your spirit will thank you for it!

Adopt a missionary - photo

A Dad and his boys

Tonight James and the boys are camping out...in the living room. They did it once before and it is such a hit. We have a great pop-up 4-man tent that just fits in the living room. They set it up, watch a movie from inside, then sleep all night inside it. I think James enjoys it nearly as much as the boys! And that's part of what makes him such an awesome dad.

"Adopting" a missionary

Monday night I was able to get an invite to a family from our church whose oldest son will be heading out on a two year mission to teach the gospel. He leaves in about 2 and a half weeks now. Because we don't have any family members the boys know who will be going on missions before they do, I wanted to "adopt" some missionaries from our ward over the years between now and when our own boys will head out (age 19.)

So for Family Home Evening, we headed out to their house. Their son, Anthony, shared the things he had done to prepare to leave, and a little about where he is going and what he'll be doing. Then he showed what he'll wear - by dressing himself up into his suit and having Caleb dress up into his second suit.

The boys thought it was great. Now, once Anthony leaves, we'll write letters (at least monthly) of encouragement to him, and track news of how he is doing from his family and from letters he writes home. My hope is that the boys will be able to track Anthony on his mission and start to have an idea of what it entails, and start to think about their own missions down the road. A mission is such an important two years. If you are really serious about it, it is a time when your testimony is really solidified, when you learn what it is to live with another person 24-7 (in preparation for marriage!) and also how to take care of all the home things, like cooking and cleaning and laundry. It can be such a valuable learning experience, and I really hope our boys all decide to go and serve the Lord in this way, when the time comes.