Tuesday, 19 June 2007

A House of Order

Will I ever be able to achieve a house and a life of order again? Lately I seem to be just managing to make it through one day at a time. Even my daily prayers reflect this desperation: Let me feel well; let me sleep tonight and wake well-rested; let Colin sleep tonight; let James travel home safely. My wider concern for family, friends, and world-issues seems to be waning. Long-term goals don't even flash across my mind in wishfulness. My calendar lies neglected in the bottom of my purse. I can barely remember what I'm supposed to do today, let alone tomorrow, later in the week or next. Gone are the weekly schedules, planned outings, daily trips, grocery lists, cleaning plans, and get-togethers. I sometimes have trouble remembering the month, never mind the date, or even the day of the week.

It's amazing how much your life is affected by illness. The old enthusiasm has faded. The loss becomes all the more evident when James comments on one of my good days "it's great to have you back."

I think that remark encapsulates how I'm feeling. I feel as though I'm staring down on myself with unfocused vision, and all I can do is reach out and hope to steady myself to keep me from slipping.

My appreciation for health has sky-rocketed. I know this state won't last forever (although November seems so far away!), and all I can do is be thankful for the insight I have and look forward to the day I will have some order restored.

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