I finally feel at peace in the presence of God. I don't feel foreign to him because of the absence of a feeling faith. I feel at home in his logic and order.
Which brings me back full circle to the counterfeit trainees. I imagine a figure hunched over a genuine document. A light shines in the darkness and illuminates every grain in the paper, every mark of the ink, every angle of every feature. His hands sweep the paper, tracing the indents, memorizing the bumps. Day after day after day he stares at the real thing, until it is so familiar to him that he sees it in his sleep, can recognize it in the darkness by its feel. Now, if he were to happen upon a counterfeit in his daily dealings, even the smallest variance would be so glaringly wrong.
There is logic, order, structure in his learning. But there is not doubt. He does not fill his days trying to memorize every different way in which this document could be altered. He does not surround himself with falsehoods, imitations, swearing to commit all these to memory so as to catch them if he sees them again. That is neither scientific nor logical. He need only be so familiar with the truth that he can never be fooled.
I feel God reaching down to me, showing me the Word: the Logos, the logic, the Son, the scriptures, the gospel. They are all the Word, and they are all truth. I do not need to doubt and question and swirl in the negativity that grips me in that world. Instead, I must immerse myself in the Word, logic and all, and simply know that He is God.