Mothering

This past weekend found me at my sister-in-laws home for a long, intimate chat about motherhood. She is due with her first baby, due to arrive mid-March, and as she doesn't have any sisters, I offered to share my experiences so far with motherhood, labour, delivery, and all the wonderful and crazy changes she's about to go through.

I'm not sure I've ever sat in one place and spoken with one person so long - five hours we passed in her living room, chatting about a wide range of subjects. It was fantastic. I've never been able to spend much time alone with her, let alone that much uninterrupted and distraction-free. She had a whole list of questions and concerns, many of which I never would have thought to bring up.

As a consequence of our conversation, I was able to stand back and examine my own mothering philosophies. What I realized is that five years ago when I was in her same position, I never would have guessed the ideas and opinions and positions I would take.

I'm much more unconventional than I ever used to be. I wouldn't say I'm a "hippie," but compared to the relatively conservative and mainstream ideas I had before raising my children, I've strayed hugely from that path.

I have a set of cloth diapers that I use about 30% of the time. I haven't fully vaccinated my children (yet.) I have thoroughly researched homeschooling and I'm sure we'll do it one day. I try to use as natural of products as I can, meaning I try to only put on our bodies what we could also put in our bodies (ie: olive oil, oatmeal, natural soaps.) I use silver nanotechnology instead of chemical cleaning products. I breastfeed all the time, anywhere I need to, am still breastfeeding Benjamin at 13 months and I don't have any plans on cutting him off.

But, I would say my greatest philosophy (and consequently, advice) is to mother in moderation, and never say "never."

Mothering in moderation means that I don't ever take such a hard stance on something that I'm not willing to negotiate or bend a little. I try to stand by all my philosophies most of the time, while realizing that I might be making life harder for myself and my family if I don't at least consider change now and then.

Sometimes I consider something and agree to let it go. Like letting Grandparents ply my kids with sugar. It's not like their grandparents are doing this day in and day out, and the rest of the time with me they eat really healthy food. There have been a few days when this backfired on me, and poor Colin's stomach rebelled against the junk food, but that experience helped him realize that he needs to regulate himself. (By the way, it totally worked. He is always telling me that he needs to have healthy foods first and then only a small amount of junk food, so that his tummy feels okay.)

Sometimes I consider something and stand firm in my position. Like naptimes. My boys need their naps and if they miss it, get so incredibly grumpy and teary and have more melt-downs in an hour then they would usually have in a week. Plus it usually goes on for two or three days after a missed nap before they catch themselves up. So missing naptime is one I never give in to. Oh - look at that. I said "never," and that's not even really true. Over the five years, there have been two or three times that we intentionally missed nap, like on our day at Canada's Wonderland theme park. But I did bring strollers for all, a soother for Caleb, and blankets to help them get cozy. And Caleb did sleep for an hour or so.

The one other piece of advice I think is important is to read as much as you can, sift through it all, and then pick and choose what you think is best for you, your family, and your children. I don't think you can ever read too much, as long as you read with a discerning mind. Knowledge is power, and as a mother, you need all the power you can get!

Because he's that kind of husband

I write day in and day out about myself and the kids, but there is one very important person in our home that makes everything run smoothly, plus he keeps me sane and laughing each and every day.

He's my wonderful husband.

And lately I've noticed he has kicked into high gear in helping around the home. It's just little things - things like how I walked by the kitchen the other day and realized I didn't do that load of clean dishes in the dish rack. Or as I switch over the laundry from the washer to the dryer and find a dry load I didn't put in. Or how he rolls out of bed every day at 6am with the boys and lets me lie in for as long as I can (usually about another half an hour.) And really, it's those little things that make life roll along a little more smoothly and a little more pleasantly.

Because I'm that kind of wife

I know I'm opinionated and persistent. I often stick in my heels and insist on doing things my way. Well, when you're always right, why wouldn't you always want it done your own way? But this is a little story to show that I'm not obstinate just to be contrary. I have a rational mind that can be convinced with a little forethought and planning.

This story starts two days ago when my computer finally had it. The power connector inside the computer was so loose that it could no longer hold the power cord and keep a charge. So we yanked and pulled and wrangled one last time to do a complete backup of all the files, and then let her "go gently into that good night."

The next morning I sat in the living room of my friends house and told her how there was no way I was letting James buy me a new computer when he has two. My rant included arguments like "who needs three computers when there are people in this world without food?" and "he's just going to have to pick one to give up to me," and, of course "we absolutely do not need to spend the money on something as frivolous as a third computer." I told them how I knew James was going to insist that he needed both computers for work every day - the Apple for video editing and the PC for email and linking to his Blackberry. (Don't even get me started about the Blackberry.) And I told them that there was no way, no how, I was giving in and buying a new computer.

I was so firm, so persistent in my position, so sure that I was going to win this one.

Then I came home. I made lunch and put the boys down for nap. I made myself something to eat. And just at the moment when my hunger was satiated and my brain was enjoying some peace and quiet, James very calmly came upstairs.

He told me how he had done our taxes and figured out the amount of our nice, large tax return this year. He told me that he had researched computers and how the MacBook had many advantages. He outlined said advantages, including the software that came with the computer and the major upgrade Apple had made since my computer (a 2001) that died. He said that because Apple doesn't let stores competitively price their products, they are the same price everywhere. He mentioned that our electronics store in town has one in stock. He explained that after buying the computer we would still have a portion to put against the mortgage and to contribute to our RRSP fund.

He finished without flourish.

And I said "yes." Because I'm that kind of wife.

I can be convinced with a well-thought out argument. I don't stick my heels into the ground just because I want to be right. If I genuinely think he's got a point, or he's actually right, I don't fight it. Why bother?

And later that night, I got a nice, shiny new computer out of this deal!

(My friends also had a really good laugh about it the next day!)

Is change really possible?

Sitting here tonight in a bit of a funk. A winter-blue-blah kind of feeling. I know it's common around this time of year, especially up here in the cold frigid Canadian temperatures. I posted this on my facebook status:

"House is a mess, even with a friend and my in-laws dropping in. I told them to just step over everything. Anyone else got a bad case of the winter blahs?"

That's right. Even now at 11:30 at night, getting ready to go to bed, and I'm just going to leave it all again for tomorrow. But a dear friend, seeing my status, directed me to a website that, in her words "changed her life 2 years ago. Best thing ever."

That is some high praise, especially from this wonderful woman I admire. So I clicked on over. The first quote I read on the site was:

Are YOU living in CHAOS?

(Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome)
Do you feel overwhelmed, overextended, and overdrawn?
Hopeless and you don't know where to start?

Wow! Does that pretty much describe how I'm feeling or what? I was intrigued and clicked further into the site. I haven't gone very far, but I did listen to what her first step is: shining your sink. The whole idea is that order comes from baby steps.

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."

Which led me to pose this question to myself: is change really possible?

For so long we (everyone) write off our faults as character flaws. Hey - if it's embedded deep down in who we are, can we really do anything about it? I fall victim to clutter and untidiness. I don't like it, but I've never really been able to change it.

Until now?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Here's to some serious reorganization!

Benjaminuggets

I have absolutely adored watching Benjamin learn to walk. Both Colin and Caleb just stood up and went one day. Benjamin, on the other hand, has been slowly going through all the more traditional stages of learning to walk.

He has been cruising like nobody's business. He pretty much gave up crawling when he learned how fast he could propel himself along the couches and tables and walls in the house. He got fairly adept at the practice, managing his own version of the "run the circle" of the living room/kitchen/hall circuit we have. He loves chasing the boys when they get going.

In recent days he has been doing steps on his own. He would turn around and steady himself for a moment or two, and then slowly take a few steps toward something (usually me.) Each day he found more and more balance, which resulted in more and more steps.

Then today, he seemed to coordinate himself fully in order to wander across the rooms and through the main floor. There is ever so slight of a pause before he starts, as though he was gathering all the information needed, like the path to take, sizing up obstacles, finding his balance and gathering the will. Then he just plunges one foot forward and off he goes.

It is such a delight to watch it all take place. It's like this little person unfolding right before my eyes!

When little voices grate

Today Caleb had a need to preface every sentence he spoke with "Mommy!" Sometimes, for fun, he'd change it up and start with "Mommymommymommymommy."

Needless to say, by 10 am his lovely adorable little three year old voice was DRIVING ME CRAZY! I had heard my "name" one too many times and didn't want to hear it even once more.

It was at that point that I told him that for the rest of the day, he must address me as "Anakin." (The boys are in a Star Wars phase right now.)

He seemed confused. I was just trying to maintain my sanity. Then he caught onto the game and had a good giggle every time he called me Anakin.

And that is how I made it through today.

Calebites

While Caleb and Benjamin were quietly and calmly playing this afternoon, I was finishing up a sewing project in the kitchen. As I wrapped up, I came into the playroom to gather the boys to head out. A quick glance at Caleb revealed faint smudges around his mouth.

"Did you eat something?"

Sheepish nod.

"What?"

Points to the floor. My eyes follow and land on the container of chocolate chips. Correction, the container that used to contain chocolate chips! Caleb gave me this half-grin that said "I don't know if I was supposed to or not, but darn it, it was so good and I don't regret it at all."

"Did you eat them all?"

Sheepish nod.

"How many were there?"

He holds up his fingers and counts really quickly: "onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineteneleventwelvethirteenfourteenfifteen- that many!"

He cannot count any higher yet. I can only assume that it means there were a lot. My saving grace is that it was an old container, and I have a big bag of Chippits I'm using now, so I think it was mostly empty.)

"Did you get them out of the cupboard?"

"No, Benjamin did."

I couldn't get mad at him; really, he didn't know specifically that he shouldn't snack on a container of chocolate chips, especially since Benjamin was the one who took them out. And he was so darn cute with that face, staring up with big blue eyes, totally innocent. I love that boy.