Honesty

I recognize that this blog is out there in the world wide web, making it available for anyone to read.  That said, I know most who read this are close friends and family, and so I usually try to honestly express my feelings, knowing that I'm using this as a journal or record of my life.

So, in the way of being perfectly honest, I'm freaking out a little.

Friday I was hit with an illness - nausea and stomach cramps.  After two days the stomach cramps went away, but the nausea has held on.  No other symptoms.  I know where your minds are all jumping; my doctor's mind went there too: when I arrived at the doctor's office on Monday there was already a note in the chart for the nurse to do a pregnancy test.

Now let me lay this out for you.  Juliette is supposed to be our last addition to the family.  My doctor has said that if I got pregnant again and, following my medical history, got worse than the last time, well, they would probably advise against keeping the pregnancy.  (My grandmother, who suffered much the same as I, was also advised such.)  So James took the step to prevent any further pregnancies.

So here's the honest status:

- vascectomy 6 months ago
- all clear given by doctors
- we've only had one opportunity to take advantage of the "all clear"

- I still don't have my period

- I took a pregnancy test that said negative

Do you know what the odds are, given those circumstances, that I'm pregnant?  And yet, this nausea persists.  I'm hoping it's the strangest virus case I've ever had.  And although the odds are about 1 in 1,000,000, I'm still freaking out.  My mind quickly goes to "what if?"  What if I'm hospitalized for the next nine months?  What if I miss the next year of Juliette's life?  What happens to the kids over the summer?  What if things are as dire medically as the doctors predict?  What if I have to make a choice about this baby?  Because let me tell you, if I am pregnant, then this baby beat out impossible odds.

A short radio spot this morning reminded me that just as God cares for the lilies of the field and the little sparrow, He will take care of the me as I walk through this life of plans he has for me.  The advice to not "worry about tomorrow" is about resting in the knowledge of God's omnipotence and his love.

(But I'm still freaking out, a little.)