Wonder why I called that last entry "Honesty?" It wasn't about revealing that I might be pregnant. I was about being honest about my feelings about maybe being pregnant. Because I know the reaction to such feelings would be varied, possibly critical, possibly judgemental, and hopefully a little supportive and understanding also. When you put something on the web, you open yourself up to all of that. In fact, even by putting it in print and leaving it for posterity opens you up to all that. Sometimes I worry as I write here that one day my kids will read these entries and wonder at the emotions and thoughts I had. I've often thought "should I sanitize what I write?" Should I leave out the dark feelings? The doubts? The hard times? In the end, I decided, no. Honesty, as long as it's not destructive, can actually be helpful, not only to myself (in getting things out and finding support from friends) but also to others who may be struggling in the same way.
And so I let myself record those "freaking out" feelings. If it ended up I was pregnant, those feelings wouldn't be about wishing a child wasn't here. A fifth baby would be loved, wanted and cherished, even if he or she was not "planned" in the traditional sense.