Wednesday, 13 May 2009


We're trying to find a Nanny. My mother-in-law is here for three days to watch the boys. Friends have delivered meals and goodies; others are coming to clean the house. Colin insists that when I'm better we'll be able to visit Jacob in Toronto (an old friend). Caleb clings to my in desperate hugs when I see him. TV is driving me crazy. It hurts my eyes to read.

I'm desperately sad to have to listen to my boys growing. While pregnant with Caleb, Colin learned to walk. I didn't miss that with Caleb, but I will likely miss him learning to talk. I can't play or read or cuddle or walk or romp with them. This will be a heartbreaking two months.

We always wanted 4 kids, but I'm just not sure I can do it. Emotionally it's hard enough. But I really don't know if my body can handle any more. James laughs when I tell him I'm getting old, but really, I am getting older. My body at 30 or 32 will not be what it was at 25. It's amazing the impact each year has on you. Mentally this is also difficult. I knew I would lose 8 weeks to serious illness. I knew I would spend the time mostly staring out the window, unable to do anything else, struggling to breathe and struggling with dizziness. But I've only done 6 days and I feel like I can't go on for the next 7 weeks.

I know 8 weeks out of a lifetime is not that much. The weeks between my miscarriage and getting pregnant again simply flew by. I couldn't believe it was already April when we saw the positive result on the test. But my poor body is giving out this time.

In the endless amounts of time alone with my thoughts, I imagine snapshots of the future. I see life unfolding with my beautiful family. What I gift I have been given, and I intend to bask in every second.

1 comment:

Emily Tayman said...

I still say that all moms should be sainted.