Exhaustion

The last three days have been a bit of a downhill slide for me. I've had energy each day to get things done, but the majority of the day has been spent feeling ill again. Today I spent the afternoon and evening in bed. Much too reminiscent of these past couple of months...

I wondered what it was that has put me out. The past two weeks I have been careful with what I eat (mainly fruits and veggies) to ease the stomach pains, and careful with activity levels (limiting myself to one or two outings a week).

There has been one marked difference in the past few days. I have returned to the piano. When I'm well, I love to spend time playing. I play children's songs for the boys, and all sorts of pieces for myself. I play the piano to celebrate, grieve, find strength, relax, uplift, release frustrations, control anger, and feel joy. In short, the piano is an outlet for every emotion.

And perhaps, in the end, that is what has exhausted me. I had thought that simply sitting in one spot with limited movement would be the perfect "activity" for me as I try to resume a sense of normalcy in my life. What I didn't consider is the physical toll of such an emotional activity. Today I played in the morning for the boys, then at church played piano prelude to the meeting, organ accompaniment for the congregational hymns, and an hour of accompaniment for the children's primary. Today, by far, I exceeded any preceding time spent playing the piano. I also picked up the flute for the first time since falling sick. I played only one song, but added to the culmination of music output today, perhaps I sent myself over the top.

It makes me a little sad to think I need to wait a little longer before indulging in this love of mine again. Which is even harder when I think that being sad makes me want to play the piano and feel that healing balm it is for my sadness. But this relapse has been a caution to me...judging from the last two pregnancies, I should soon be getting to a "functioning" state, not the lying-on-the-couch-and-unable-to-stand-or-call-out-to-the-boys state I was in Friday morning, or the lying-in-bed-staring-at-the-wall state I was in today. I am feeling that I am older, that my body is even more aware of the little nuances than it has ever been before, and I cannot take the least degree of allowance without also accepting the consequences.