Sunday, 12 September 2010

Looking into the future

Grey, cold, rainy fall days always seem to hold a mirror into the future for me. There's just something about this atmosphere that makes me think down the road.

I've been wondering lately, more than usual, what that road holds for me. What adventures might I embark on? Will I indulge the traveler within me, or will I feel the need for consistency and peace? While I was in the hospital a couple of weeks back, James and I had some time alone together (the nurse actually called it a "date!" and we took the time to read our Patriarchal blessings. These blessings were given to each of us 8 years apart, in different cities and by different people. For the first time we read them aloud to each other, back to back. And it was startling how many unique yet similar things were mentioned! Of course these are private and I won't go into detail here. But there are definitely some future events down our path together that I would not have written into my current "life plan." Right now I have the yen to by some property in the country, a small home that my boys can grow up in now and then come home to when they are grown. A place where my grandchildren will come and sleep in rooms their dads slept in as kids. A place to plant a large garden and grow some apple trees. A place where I will probably eventually homeschool, teach and learn with the boys, have adventures and joys and heartaches. I want to stay home even if they are all attending public school, tending to my home and being there when they come in the door. This little picture is exactly what my heart yearns for right now.

But a little seed in the back of my mind has unwittingly been planted (not by me!) and is slowly uncurling in deep, thick dark soil. I don't think my life has prepared me for what I write above. I have a love of travel, a heart for serving, a outreach to those in need. My father worked for the airlines, and I was practically raised on an airplane. I have an ear for languages, having been educated in French Immersion, and then I married a man also bilingual in French. I have been devouring books on how to homeschool, even though there seems no current need to do it. In our last church ward we were thrust into leadership positions even as young as we were. I just have this feeling that my training and experience will not let me just settle into a cottage in the country.

All these are exciting. All these things are adventures I could embark on with my children. All these are still conducive to me spending my time as mom with my kids every day. What is a little more unsettling is a small part of my blessing that talks about a career. I found it a little startling that in a church that is so family oriented, that encourages moms to stay home to raise their children (an idea I embrace and yearn for), my blessing noted that I would be a leader and exemplar in a chosen profession. I often try to skip by this part, since it was never in my plans to go into a profession or career. I want to stay home while my kids are still here, using my "free" time to volunteer in the community in various capacities. I want to be a "stay-at-home-mom" and then a "stay-at-home-grandma." But once again, something tells me there is something else down the road.

I pray I will have the courage to walk down the road God has in store for me. I pray that instead of clinging stubbornly to my idea of the future, I will embrace the learning and training moments in this school of life so that I will be prepared for the amazing journey planned just for me. I know it will be infinitely more satisfying in the end.


Jules said...

Being a leader in a profession could mean a number of different things couldn't it? It doesn't necessarily mean you can't be both a leader in some profession and a stay at home mom. I never thought "stay-at-home-mom" and "idle" were synonymous, especially you in the role of stay-at-home mom. Maybe one of your projects pays off it some way that kind of fits the bill.

Terri-Ann said...

Oh, I definitely consider motherhood a busy full time job! But I think it means something other than that, because it talks about choosing carefully a I have this feeling it's something different. But for now, I'm definitely employed full time with three boys!