I just got back from the hospital again. Colin developed a bit of an infection in his eye post-surgery, which meant a trip back to the eye clinic to have it checked out (and anti-biotics prescribed.)
As I was driving down, I found my mental state was calm. Calm and peace is all I have felt throughout the past few days concerning this surgery. I didn't realize how strange this was until I was speaking with friends, my mom, my grandmother and my husband about the whole ordeal. Every one I spoke to told me how nervous and tense they have been, or would have been, in this situation. My mom reminded me about a surgery I had just before I was one year old, and she was a basketcase. My grandmother said her anxiety would have started just with the drive down into the city. James said he didn't sleep at all the night before. Most people have mentioned how brave I was to take Colin down there on my own the day of the surgery. (That wasn't planned, but a last minute cancellation of our babysitter meant James had to stay back with the other boys.)
And through it all, I didn't blink once. As I think back on it, it seemed to me nothing more than another appointment to go to. I drove down just as if I was driving to school. We stood in line patiently to register as if I was signing him up for soccer. We laughed and joked and discussed the things we saw around us, just as we would on any other day. He went off to surgery and I went to the waiting room, as if I was sending him off to his Primary (church) class and I was going off to Sunday School. I waited in the parent's lounge, reading a parenting book and making notes on some plans I have for our family direction. When it was all over, I sat at Colin's side and told him "Mario and Luigi" stories like I do at bed time. Then we got in the car and drove home.
This morning, when his eye was red and puffy and closing up, I pulled out the phone and called the hospital, just like I would make any other phone call. They asked how long it would take me to drive to the hospital - when I said "an hour and a half" and they booked me for an appointment in exactly an hour and a half, there was no panic inside, no worry for the immediacy of the appointment. I just gathered up a book, a movie and my wallet and off we went.
Even now I have no "after-hours" anxiety, now that it's all done. It was as though it was just another ordinary day.
But I know that I have been blessed with the gift of peace from my Father in Heaven. Even my laid-back style of mothering would usually have cracked under such circumstances. And yet there is peace. I am reminded of this beautiful scripture:
ab"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled c, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)
This week I have been granted that peace. Not just for a moment, or a day, only to be done with the ordeal and be suddenly overwhelmed with pent-up anxiety and worry. This week I was granted peace in its entirety. What a wonderful gift.
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