(post script to post below)
Can I have the pride gene removed?
Now, I know this gene is humankind wide, so thankfully I know I'm not on my own with this one. Life would just be so much more pleasant, and much easier, if we could all just have that removed at birth. Perhaps we could genetically engineer it so that we aren't even born with it?
I mentioned in the last entry that I did call to apologize to James after my morning nagging session. But what I failed to mention is that after I thought of calling, it was another five minutes before I actually did. Did I want to call and admit I was wrong? Would he even notice or care if I didn't call? Sure, I knew he would probably really appreciate it if I did say I was sorry, but if I didn't, it wouldn't be much different from the other times when I stood "stiffnecked" in my pride.
One last thought flitted through my mind, which made me actually pick up the phone and dial. And it was that it really might lift him a little to hear an apology. He had a long day yesterday, has a long day ahead of him today. Both yesterday and today are drives to and from the city during rush hour. Both days are filled with heavy lifting and great physical exertion. Both days are going to be physically and mentally exhausting for him. I know the great benefit of "mind over matter." A little, short, sweet, "I'm sorry, and I love you" from me could make a world of difference to him today.
I have to say, I feel much better now. And seriously - what did it really take? It wasn't painful. It wasn't debilitating. It didn't take much effort. It didn't throw my day off. In fact, now he likely feels better, and I feel better, and our relationship is better...why don't we do this more often?
This whole, short experience this morning has just demonstrated to me in a very real way how stupid pride really is. Being "right" doesn't make me happier, it only makes me scurry around my day going over the moment in my mind, justifying my words or actions to myself, reliving the conversation and adding more snippy comebacks that I think I should have said, or explaining things to myself trying to convince myself that I really was right and have no need to apologize. So I sulk in the moment all day, which shortens my patience, increases my temper, and generally can affect my attitude all day. Or I take two minutes, say I'm sorry, and feel much better about the whole thing.
Sometimes I am amazed at how dense I can be. I'm grateful for moments of clarity and understanding like this one. I just hope I remember this lesson tomorrow.