Tuesday, 21 June 2011

The Benjamin equation

Sleep, where art thou?

While I know that my body and mind must have adjusted to the severe lack of sleep, I still feel in a bit of a haze. I mean, with the amount I'm actually getting, I probably shouldn't even be able to function. And yet I not only function, but manage to keep a smile and positive attitude about me for the most part.

I still feel at a loss of what to do. What I want to do is just bring Benjam
in into bed with me. I would co-sleep in a nano-second if he would. Benjamin has been under the weather this past week, which has meant he's either been up until four am, or getting up at four am, and it's about killing me. Migraines and strep throat are onsetting again, a result of lack of sleep for me. But every time he weeps in the night, my heart simply breaks. I know he wants to sleep. I know he's angry and upset that he isn't. When I scoop him up into my arms, he curls right into my neck, closes his eyes and dozes off. Unfortunately, if I try to bring him into bed with me, he just likes to crawl around and explore, even at 4 in the morning. On the few occasions I've tried this, I always end up catching his leg just before h
e launches off the bed, or protecting myself from hair tugs and foot kicks in the face. All of my boys are big movers in bed, which doesn't make for happy, easy co-sleeping.

Does anyone remember the short lived TV show "Dinosaurs?"
The baby would often grab a frying pan and knock his father over his head, proclaiming "Not the mama!" He had on obvious preference for his mother, and wouldn't accept Dad as a replacement. I often feel this way. There are some times when James can distract Benjamin with a game long enough for my arms to rest from carrying him all day. But mostly Benjamin just cries with his face drawn into the saddest frown you ever saw, and eyes brimming with tears, as he silently proclaims "not the mama!"

James asked yesterday if I didn't love it secretly. Sure, I love the cuddles. But I really don't know if the endless sleepless nights, the carrying him every waking moment, and the nursing every time I sit down, is working for me right now. Isn't there something in between?


Mom said...

How about a blindfold so you can't see that sad little face and ear plugs so you can't see that sad little cry? :-)

Mom said...

sorry - that was meant to say so you can't HEAR that sad little cry - actually I have often wondered if you are so patient with Benjamin because he could be your last baby and you subconsciously don't want to let that baby go. I worry all the time that all this is going to take too much out of you and that you are going to get really sick. I really wish that you could just let him cry it out - I know you find that too difficult - but I do know from experience that he CAN sleep through the night and that he CAN play without being held all the time. Even though Dad and I are 'not the mama', I do believe that Benjamin CAN learn to do these things with you. However, I also STRONGLY believe that moms should do whatever works for them. I am hopeful that you will survive this stage in your's and Benjamin's life.