Sleep, where art thou?
While I know that my body and mind must have adjusted to the severe lack of sleep, I still feel in a bit of a haze. I mean, with the amount I'm actually getting, I probably shouldn't even be able to function. And yet I not only function, but manage to keep a smile and positive attitude about me for the most part.
I still feel at a loss of what to do. What I want to do is just bring Benjam
in into bed with me. I would co-sleep in a nano-second if he would. Benjamin has been under the weather this past week, which has meant he's either been up until four am, or getting up at four am, and it's about killing me. Migraines and strep throat are onsetting again, a result of lack of sleep for me. But every time he weeps in the night, my heart simply breaks. I know he wants to sleep. I know he's angry and upset that he isn't. When I scoop him up into my arms, he curls right into my neck, closes his eyes and dozes off. Unfortunately, if I try to bring him into bed with me, he just likes to crawl around and explore, even at 4 in the morning. On the few occasions I've tried this, I always end up catching his leg just before h
e launches off the bed, or protecting myself from hair tugs and foot kicks in the face. All of my boys are big movers in bed, which doesn't make for happy, easy co-sleeping.
Does anyone remember the short lived TV show "Dinosaurs?"
The baby would often grab a frying pan and knock his father over his head, proclaiming "Not the mama!" He had on obvious preference for his mother, and wouldn't accept Dad as a replacement. I often feel this way. There are some times when James can distract Benjamin with a game long enough for my arms to rest from carrying him all day. But mostly Benjamin just cries with his face drawn into the saddest frown you ever saw, and eyes brimming with tears, as he silently proclaims "not the mama!"
James asked yesterday if I didn't love it secretly. Sure, I love the cuddles. But I really don't know if the endless sleepless nights, the carrying him every waking moment, and the nursing every time I sit down, is working for me right now. Isn't there something in between?